Sunday, October 25, 2015
Friday, June 17, 2011
SPEAK EASY NOTES #53 - When Silence Is Golden
Dear Wordsmith,
I’d like to know if you agree with how I handled a certain situation at work last week. I am a mid-level manager in a large insurance company and one of my coworkers observed some communications between my boss and me and came up to me afterward and said, “Sydney really is difficult!”, with a very supportive facial expression and showing me a good deal of sympathy. I decided that the best response was to say nothing. My friend that I’ve worked with for years had made a disparaging remark about my boss to me and I felt like it was very important to avoid agreeing or making any negative statements about my (yes, very difficult) boss that could be repeated or distorted and then used against me in some way down the road.
In retrospect, I feel I made the right choice. I’m a positive person and am respectful of the hierarchy that exists in the workplace. I don’t like complaining and want to be sure I’m seen as a strong contributor and positive team player. What do you think of my choice to say nothing at all? I really don’t like the thought of getting bitten down the road because of some stupid off the cuff remark I made.
Signed,
Zipped
I’d like to know if you agree with how I handled a certain situation at work last week. I am a mid-level manager in a large insurance company and one of my coworkers observed some communications between my boss and me and came up to me afterward and said, “Sydney really is difficult!”, with a very supportive facial expression and showing me a good deal of sympathy. I decided that the best response was to say nothing. My friend that I’ve worked with for years had made a disparaging remark about my boss to me and I felt like it was very important to avoid agreeing or making any negative statements about my (yes, very difficult) boss that could be repeated or distorted and then used against me in some way down the road.
In retrospect, I feel I made the right choice. I’m a positive person and am respectful of the hierarchy that exists in the workplace. I don’t like complaining and want to be sure I’m seen as a strong contributor and positive team player. What do you think of my choice to say nothing at all? I really don’t like the thought of getting bitten down the road because of some stupid off the cuff remark I made.
Signed,
Zipped
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Zipped,
What a great example you presented. First of all, I’d like to praise you most of all for your great attitude and your goal to avoid being seen as a negative force in your workplace. Good for you! It’s hard to refrain from going down the road of taking advantage of an easy opportunity to throw a dagger at your difficult boss, especially with a coworker you’ve known and worked with for a long time who is a friend.
I agree strongly that there are many times when silence is a very good choice following certain types of communications. The motivation behind your silence is smart and legitimate. Your choice to say nothing was based on clear goals and values that are important to you. I would like to point out some alternative interpretations of silence that you may not have considered: Sometimes when a person is silent, it might be seen as agreement or acquiescence. This means that rather than being seen as a non participant in negativity, you could have been perceived as being in complete agreement with the remark your friend made. It’s also possible that your facial expression and eye contact conveyed something different from your silence.
Rather than recommend one best way to handle this type of situation which might include or exclude silence as the optimum way to respond, I’d prefer to give you a variety of responses for a coworker – that are in line with the goals and values you described – to choose from, including silence, that you could use in various versions of the circumstance you described:
“I appreciate your being supportive. Sydney keeps me on my toes all the time and it really has elevated my attention to detail and my delivery of excellence.”
“It’s always good to feel that you have my back. I believe in accepting and seeing people, particularly bosses, as they are, without seeing them as either difficult or easy. My approach makes working with Sydney smooth and productive and keeps me on an even keel at work."
“Thanks for reaching out to me. I like to think of my boss from a different perspective. I know what demands are coming down on Sydney from the top so I just keep that in my mind when the demands on me from Sydney are high."
And there are many other types of responses that might work well. It would be good for you to think through these options and create the version that would work well for you so you can be ready for your future.
Here is a related excerpt from SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success:
Sometimes it’s best to say nothing at all. In our communications we often dig ourselves a hole and then can’t get out of it. Frequently, we feel it’s necessary to respond, defend, disclaim, explain, or even, attack when silence would be the ideal choice.
Acknowledging through facial expression, eye contact and head nodding may be the ideal communication in many situations. You can convey that you’re listening, you’re sincere and you’re giving attention, without saying a word.
REMINDER:
It’s critical to remember that a look of annoyance or frustration will convey more than words; if silence is the desired communication, your face must be silent as well.
The less comfortable you are with silence, the more likely it will be that you will rush in to participate when non-participation would be the best choice possible. This is a silence of self-benefit, different from acquiescence or tail-between-the-legs silence. This is a silence of active listening and attentive acknowledgement.
Until next time,
The Wordsmith
Friday, June 10, 2011
SPEAK EASY NOTE #52 - The Boss Who Threatens Rather than Praises
Dear Wordsmith,
I love my job and I hate my boss. Your input and advice would be really helpful. I have risen to a significant leadership role in a short amount of time. I work for a large national consulting firm that is a very demanding work environment known for its cutting edge innovation. I have thrived and enjoyed working for all of my previous managers. I have recently been promoted to a newly created area of the company that has no former track record of any kind and where I have a tremendous amount of visibility.
My new manager is at the top of the food chain in the company and must think that talking down to people and threatening them are the ways to get the most out of them. I, actually, for the first time in my career am feeling like I want to quit my job. This manager never praises anything I do or gives me credit for all of the elements we have put in place. My team is working so hard and has produced on a high level in a challenging timeframe. Some appreciation would be so valued. I just had a performance review and was actually dumbfounded by my manager's lack of acknowledgement of anything positive about the past six months. I basically said very little in this meeting. It was very upsetting and one-sided. It is very bizarre because I was told by my HR business partner that my manager's written ratings that were provided to Human Resources which I did not receive or see were actually fairly good although certainly not at the level that matches my efforts and successes. Please help me see this in a different way. I feel like I am at the end of a rope, hanging by a thin thread.
Signed,
Desperate
Desperate,
It must feel so bad to have worked so hard and achieved so much, without getting any praise or recognition. And I’m sure the contrast to what you've experienced before makes this even worse. You have obviously been a top performer to have come so far in such a short time and been placed in charge of a new visible area that is important to the company.
My first recommendation is to make sure that you remember how you got where you are and to reconnect with your former managers to rekindle your sense of accomplishment and to get their perspectives on your work delivery and on your current manager. It would be hard to believe that this punitive and threatening behavior is directed at you, specifically. It sounds like this is most likely your manager’s standard M.O. Sometimes there are cultural background components and gender issues that contribute to this kind of behavior and the individual actually believes that this kind of condescending, reprimanding behavior and communication are motivating and appropriate. Sometimes managers are hardest on their best performers, thinking this will get the most from them. Sometimes people get to the top through performance and connection without having any leadership or management skills to go with those assets. It’s important to see this challenge as a gift for you to be able to respond and communicate in a strong professional manner. There’re always going to be demanding and diverse people in your work settings at every level. Learning how to be effective with difficult people is an art and requirement for success in the workplace.
Often when people describe these types of exchanges to me there’s an underlying permission that’s being given to the senior individual through acquiescence and submission. Make sure you work on your communication skills and comfort level with speaking to your manager so that you can clearly and specifically present the contributions you've made and strongly address whatever points your manager has critiqued. You want to make sure you convey what motivates you and what de-motivates you without being emotional or sounding whiny, hurt or angry. You will want to connect everything you say to your manager to what you and your team are doing for the company. People respond well to being told what they’re doing well and what they’re required to do to succeed. This is what you want to hear from your manager so it’s important to make sure you present what you want to say to your manager, avoiding any of the negative approaches that the manager used in communicating with you. Research shows that attack, criticism and finding fault are de-motivating and produce the opposite effect on the desired outcomes. One individual I’m working with who reports to a micro-managing difficult boss, described the response to this negative managerial approach as survival mode where it’s impossible to look at the bigger higher priorities and where fixation on small insignificant details takes over and mistakes increase.
Here’s a valuable link to a wonderful classic article from the Harvard Business Review by Daniel Goleman that looks at the components of Emotional Intelligence and how they interweave with various leadership styles: Leadership That Gets Results. This article will help you gain perspective and skill in these communications as will this excerpt from my book, SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide For Career And Life Success:
Over the years, I’ve heard a wide variety of reactions to situations in the workplace.
Person A will say,
“I’m so used to hearing my boss, Grace, fly off the handle like that. I just ignore her. She always calms down eventually and sometimes she even apologizes. I know it’s more about her frustration than it is about me, even though she directs such hostility towards me sometimes. She’s really pathetic that way. The main thing for me is that I feel good about myself and my work. I really love what I do here and I wouldn’t let her bad behavior change that for a second. I’d be happier if she’d calm down and stop attacking everybody. It would be better for the company too.”
Person B, in the same setting with a similar job and an exactly parallel relationship to that manager, will have a completely different experience of the same type of communications from the manager and say,
“No matter what we do, Grace is never happy with our work. Some days I can barely get myself to come in to the office; I never know if it’s going to be a horrible day because she’s in such a frenzy and will make me crazy and depressed. I just don’t think I can listen to her attack me the way she does anymore. I hate having a boss who is constantly criticizing me like that. I’ll probably leave the company before the end of the year because of how she treats me.”
What gives Person A the ability to separate herself from the attack of her boss? She clearly gets the “sticks and stones break bones and words never hurt you” message. What comes first for Person A is her own self-esteem which is closely aligned with her focus on and enjoyment of work. She also disconnects her boss’s erratic attacking behavior from herself, by seeing it as generalized rather than targeted at her.
Person B has a much more personal experience of what his manager says to him. His self-esteem suffers and he lets his manager completely obliterate his ability to focus on anything other than how destroyed and distraught he is because of his boss’s constant criticism. He’s a defeated victim and his work-life is a picture of total stress because of his boss.
If we could gain some distance and perspective to examine the whole of our individual lives from beginning to end, surely the importance of a single person’s negative behavior, in the grand scheme of who we are, would take on an entirely new perspective and be relatively insignificant. When we give others the power to destroy our well-being and our ability to communicate effectively, we’re actually feeding the monster.
Until next time,
The Wordsmith
I love my job and I hate my boss. Your input and advice would be really helpful. I have risen to a significant leadership role in a short amount of time. I work for a large national consulting firm that is a very demanding work environment known for its cutting edge innovation. I have thrived and enjoyed working for all of my previous managers. I have recently been promoted to a newly created area of the company that has no former track record of any kind and where I have a tremendous amount of visibility.
My new manager is at the top of the food chain in the company and must think that talking down to people and threatening them are the ways to get the most out of them. I, actually, for the first time in my career am feeling like I want to quit my job. This manager never praises anything I do or gives me credit for all of the elements we have put in place. My team is working so hard and has produced on a high level in a challenging timeframe. Some appreciation would be so valued. I just had a performance review and was actually dumbfounded by my manager's lack of acknowledgement of anything positive about the past six months. I basically said very little in this meeting. It was very upsetting and one-sided. It is very bizarre because I was told by my HR business partner that my manager's written ratings that were provided to Human Resources which I did not receive or see were actually fairly good although certainly not at the level that matches my efforts and successes. Please help me see this in a different way. I feel like I am at the end of a rope, hanging by a thin thread.
Signed,
Desperate
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Desperate,
It must feel so bad to have worked so hard and achieved so much, without getting any praise or recognition. And I’m sure the contrast to what you've experienced before makes this even worse. You have obviously been a top performer to have come so far in such a short time and been placed in charge of a new visible area that is important to the company.
My first recommendation is to make sure that you remember how you got where you are and to reconnect with your former managers to rekindle your sense of accomplishment and to get their perspectives on your work delivery and on your current manager. It would be hard to believe that this punitive and threatening behavior is directed at you, specifically. It sounds like this is most likely your manager’s standard M.O. Sometimes there are cultural background components and gender issues that contribute to this kind of behavior and the individual actually believes that this kind of condescending, reprimanding behavior and communication are motivating and appropriate. Sometimes managers are hardest on their best performers, thinking this will get the most from them. Sometimes people get to the top through performance and connection without having any leadership or management skills to go with those assets. It’s important to see this challenge as a gift for you to be able to respond and communicate in a strong professional manner. There’re always going to be demanding and diverse people in your work settings at every level. Learning how to be effective with difficult people is an art and requirement for success in the workplace.
Often when people describe these types of exchanges to me there’s an underlying permission that’s being given to the senior individual through acquiescence and submission. Make sure you work on your communication skills and comfort level with speaking to your manager so that you can clearly and specifically present the contributions you've made and strongly address whatever points your manager has critiqued. You want to make sure you convey what motivates you and what de-motivates you without being emotional or sounding whiny, hurt or angry. You will want to connect everything you say to your manager to what you and your team are doing for the company. People respond well to being told what they’re doing well and what they’re required to do to succeed. This is what you want to hear from your manager so it’s important to make sure you present what you want to say to your manager, avoiding any of the negative approaches that the manager used in communicating with you. Research shows that attack, criticism and finding fault are de-motivating and produce the opposite effect on the desired outcomes. One individual I’m working with who reports to a micro-managing difficult boss, described the response to this negative managerial approach as survival mode where it’s impossible to look at the bigger higher priorities and where fixation on small insignificant details takes over and mistakes increase.
Here’s a valuable link to a wonderful classic article from the Harvard Business Review by Daniel Goleman that looks at the components of Emotional Intelligence and how they interweave with various leadership styles: Leadership That Gets Results. This article will help you gain perspective and skill in these communications as will this excerpt from my book, SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide For Career And Life Success:
Over the years, I’ve heard a wide variety of reactions to situations in the workplace.
Person A will say,
“I’m so used to hearing my boss, Grace, fly off the handle like that. I just ignore her. She always calms down eventually and sometimes she even apologizes. I know it’s more about her frustration than it is about me, even though she directs such hostility towards me sometimes. She’s really pathetic that way. The main thing for me is that I feel good about myself and my work. I really love what I do here and I wouldn’t let her bad behavior change that for a second. I’d be happier if she’d calm down and stop attacking everybody. It would be better for the company too.”
Person B, in the same setting with a similar job and an exactly parallel relationship to that manager, will have a completely different experience of the same type of communications from the manager and say,
“No matter what we do, Grace is never happy with our work. Some days I can barely get myself to come in to the office; I never know if it’s going to be a horrible day because she’s in such a frenzy and will make me crazy and depressed. I just don’t think I can listen to her attack me the way she does anymore. I hate having a boss who is constantly criticizing me like that. I’ll probably leave the company before the end of the year because of how she treats me.”
What gives Person A the ability to separate herself from the attack of her boss? She clearly gets the “sticks and stones break bones and words never hurt you” message. What comes first for Person A is her own self-esteem which is closely aligned with her focus on and enjoyment of work. She also disconnects her boss’s erratic attacking behavior from herself, by seeing it as generalized rather than targeted at her.
Person B has a much more personal experience of what his manager says to him. His self-esteem suffers and he lets his manager completely obliterate his ability to focus on anything other than how destroyed and distraught he is because of his boss’s constant criticism. He’s a defeated victim and his work-life is a picture of total stress because of his boss.
If we could gain some distance and perspective to examine the whole of our individual lives from beginning to end, surely the importance of a single person’s negative behavior, in the grand scheme of who we are, would take on an entirely new perspective and be relatively insignificant. When we give others the power to destroy our well-being and our ability to communicate effectively, we’re actually feeding the monster.
Until next time,
The Wordsmith
Friday, June 3, 2011
SPEAK EASY NOTE #51 - Job Seekers with Special Needs
Dear Wordsmith,
A friend of mine has a 45 year-old daughter who is in a wheelchair. She has a Master’s degree in Library Science. She’s worked for 13 years at a major consumer products company before her position was downsized. She also worked on Wall Street before that. She has concern about searching for a job in this difficult job market with such high unemployment. Since she is confined to a wheelchair, she is worried that many employers will pass when they see her. She isn’t telling employers about her disability and is just showing up for interviews in a wheelchair. My opinion (which I told my friend) is she should mention her disability in her cover letter. This way, if she gets a call, the disability probably isn’t an issue.
I certainly can speak with her and offer advice but I thought there would be no one better than you to ask what your views are about this challenging situation!
Signed,
Concerned Friend
Dear Concerned Friend,
Thank you for the high value you place on my viewpoints. I am pleased to share my perspectives regarding this special situation.
I have the opposite opinion from yours. I feel it’s best and appropriate for a person who is wheelchair-bound to refrain from indicating that in any initial communications with potential employers. If the person were to get an interview, it would be up to her to decide at that point if she wants to inquire about wheelchair access to the appointment location. We live in an age where diversity of all types is an accepted part of our workplaces, protected by law and that can’t be used as excluded grounds for employment. We also know that the vast majority of employment is networking-related and that leveraging contacts and relationships is always the strongest route to gain employment for everyone. This is certainly a more key factor for individuals with special challenges. She certainly has a good track record of employment and a solid credential. I would also highly recommend that she become as technology/digitally fluent as possible and highly informed about social networking if she has not yet gained these capabilities and areas of expertise. I hope my thoughts and recommendations are helpful.
Here is an excerpt on good networking strategies from my book SPEAK EASY – The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success:
We will encounter much more success in all of our endeavors when we recognize the high value of gathering information from real people who’ve traveled the road before us and of building strong and lasting bonds with them.
There is great variety in individual styles and comfort levels when it comes to engaging new people and nourishing relationships with those outside of an already well known or familiar circle.
The word, NETWORKING, is used so freely and widely that its basic meaning has been diluted and it has lost many of its most important nuances and benefits. When career advisors emphasize the importance of networking, they often neglect to teach its subtleties adequately and to fine-tune their clients’ networking communications well. It’s easy to see why many jobseekers think that networking is simply informing as many people as possible that they’re looking for a new job.
Certainly, letting people know you’re looking for a new job is a much better strategy than simply sitting by the phone, waiting to see if someone will call you up to offer you a job. However, if your bottom line is no more than a numbers approach of seeing how many people you can get your resume in front of, the benefits of the fine art of networking will be sadly missed and the process of continuing the endeavor will become stale and unrewarding. After all, how many times can you say to someone, “Here I am again, still looking. Got anything for me?” No wonder people become so disenchanted with networking – both on the asking AND on the receiving end!
Until next time,
The Wordsmith
A friend of mine has a 45 year-old daughter who is in a wheelchair. She has a Master’s degree in Library Science. She’s worked for 13 years at a major consumer products company before her position was downsized. She also worked on Wall Street before that. She has concern about searching for a job in this difficult job market with such high unemployment. Since she is confined to a wheelchair, she is worried that many employers will pass when they see her. She isn’t telling employers about her disability and is just showing up for interviews in a wheelchair. My opinion (which I told my friend) is she should mention her disability in her cover letter. This way, if she gets a call, the disability probably isn’t an issue.
I certainly can speak with her and offer advice but I thought there would be no one better than you to ask what your views are about this challenging situation!
Signed,
Concerned Friend
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Concerned Friend,
Thank you for the high value you place on my viewpoints. I am pleased to share my perspectives regarding this special situation.
I have the opposite opinion from yours. I feel it’s best and appropriate for a person who is wheelchair-bound to refrain from indicating that in any initial communications with potential employers. If the person were to get an interview, it would be up to her to decide at that point if she wants to inquire about wheelchair access to the appointment location. We live in an age where diversity of all types is an accepted part of our workplaces, protected by law and that can’t be used as excluded grounds for employment. We also know that the vast majority of employment is networking-related and that leveraging contacts and relationships is always the strongest route to gain employment for everyone. This is certainly a more key factor for individuals with special challenges. She certainly has a good track record of employment and a solid credential. I would also highly recommend that she become as technology/digitally fluent as possible and highly informed about social networking if she has not yet gained these capabilities and areas of expertise. I hope my thoughts and recommendations are helpful.
Here is an excerpt on good networking strategies from my book SPEAK EASY – The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success:
We will encounter much more success in all of our endeavors when we recognize the high value of gathering information from real people who’ve traveled the road before us and of building strong and lasting bonds with them.
There is great variety in individual styles and comfort levels when it comes to engaging new people and nourishing relationships with those outside of an already well known or familiar circle.
The word, NETWORKING, is used so freely and widely that its basic meaning has been diluted and it has lost many of its most important nuances and benefits. When career advisors emphasize the importance of networking, they often neglect to teach its subtleties adequately and to fine-tune their clients’ networking communications well. It’s easy to see why many jobseekers think that networking is simply informing as many people as possible that they’re looking for a new job.
Certainly, letting people know you’re looking for a new job is a much better strategy than simply sitting by the phone, waiting to see if someone will call you up to offer you a job. However, if your bottom line is no more than a numbers approach of seeing how many people you can get your resume in front of, the benefits of the fine art of networking will be sadly missed and the process of continuing the endeavor will become stale and unrewarding. After all, how many times can you say to someone, “Here I am again, still looking. Got anything for me?” No wonder people become so disenchanted with networking – both on the asking AND on the receiving end!
Until next time,
The Wordsmith
Friday, March 11, 2011
SPEAK EASY NOTES #50 - More Quick Tips
Here are more quick communication tips to make your life easier, to provide peace of mind, to increase your effectiveness and to raise your level of satisfaction.
Life can be hard. Speak Easy!
> Avoid asking questions that begin with WHY because they can be heard as accusatory: “Why didn’t you do what you were supposed to do?”
> Neediness is weak and often inaccurate; there’s a distinction between desire and requirement: “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.”
> The best support is objective. The less involved a person is with your story, the more that person can listen and respond without bias.
> Fear and self-doubt often block communication. Respectfulness without defensiveness or aggression forms the right base to express any view.
Life can be hard. Speak Easy!
> Ask open-ended questions, giving freedom for expansive answers. Avoid YES or NO questions starting with: Is, Do, Can, Will, Are, Should.
> Avoid asking questions that begin with WHY because they can be heard as accusatory: “Why didn’t you do what you were supposed to do?”
> Avoid “YOU SHOULD”. People seek advice yet don’t like being told what to do. “YOU SHOULD” means shared responsibility for others’ choices.
> “BUT” is a word that can negate whatever preceded it. Eliminating “BUT” can change the dynamic from combative to two-way and open.
> Remove “trying” from your communications. AVOID: “I’m trying to finish this by Friday.” BETTER: “My goal is to finish this by Friday.”
> A look of annoyance or frustration will convey more than words; if silence is the desired communication then your face must be silent too.
> Wanting recognition and appreciating praise are healthy desires. Dependence on praise for a sense of well-being is a formula for disaster.
> Neediness is weak and often inaccurate; there’s a distinction between desire and requirement: “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.”
> The best support is objective. The less involved a person is with your story, the more that person can listen and respond without bias.
> Fear and self-doubt often block communication. Respectfulness without defensiveness or aggression forms the right base to express any view.
Until next time,
The Wordsmith
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Speak Easy Note #49 - 10 Communication Advice Tweets
So guess who's been tweeting? I decided to create a Twitter version of Speak Easy Notes called SpeakEasyCoach. It's been an excellent and demanding challenge to condense important communication advice into 140 characters. Here is a list of the first ten:
1. Always experience a level playing field of communication. See the equal, two-way street of communication in every verbal exchange.
2. Non-verbal communication exceeds 90% of how communication is received. Monitor voice tone and facial expression to diminish dual messages.
3. Acknowledge what others think or want. Validate others’ positions before promoting your own. See validation as different from agreement.
4. Communication requires listening. The more you listen and communicate what you’ve heard, the more others will listen to your views.
5. Choose positive ways to express negative thought. Use affirmative language if possible. Avoid negative and confrontational communication.
6. Don’t say what happened to you; describe what happened and what you’re doing as a result. Victim statements weaken how others see you.
7. Avoiding communication can be worse than the actual conversation you’re dreading. Anticipation frequently weighs much more than actuality.
8. Withholding the truth undermines communication. Embellishing reality leads to trouble. Never distort or misrepresent. Trust the truth.
9. Saying too much is unappealing and unfruitful. Remember to KEEP IT SIMPLE. Don’t tell how to make a watch when asked for the time.
10. The qualifiers: some, a little, probably, kind of, sort of, I think, I believe, only just, I guess diminish communication. Avoid them.
Until next time,
The Wordsmith
1. Always experience a level playing field of communication. See the equal, two-way street of communication in every verbal exchange.
2. Non-verbal communication exceeds 90% of how communication is received. Monitor voice tone and facial expression to diminish dual messages.
3. Acknowledge what others think or want. Validate others’ positions before promoting your own. See validation as different from agreement.
4. Communication requires listening. The more you listen and communicate what you’ve heard, the more others will listen to your views.
5. Choose positive ways to express negative thought. Use affirmative language if possible. Avoid negative and confrontational communication.
6. Don’t say what happened to you; describe what happened and what you’re doing as a result. Victim statements weaken how others see you.
7. Avoiding communication can be worse than the actual conversation you’re dreading. Anticipation frequently weighs much more than actuality.
8. Withholding the truth undermines communication. Embellishing reality leads to trouble. Never distort or misrepresent. Trust the truth.
9. Saying too much is unappealing and unfruitful. Remember to KEEP IT SIMPLE. Don’t tell how to make a watch when asked for the time.
10. The qualifiers: some, a little, probably, kind of, sort of, I think, I believe, only just, I guess diminish communication. Avoid them.
Until next time,
The Wordsmith
Thursday, February 3, 2011
SPEAK EASY NOTE #48 - Win-Win Negotiation Communications
It feels like a very good sign that I have been helping a number of clients manage job offer salary negotiations. There may be real momentum finally in the job market that will bring down the unemployment statistics and fuel our weakened economy. Since this is a topic I've yet to write about in Speak Easy Notes, I'm choosing it for this week’s topic. Even if you aren’t involved in a salary negotiation for a new job or up for a promotion and a raise in your current professional role, everyone faces numerous negotiations in daily life and having communication guidelines for effective negotiations is actually beneficial to all.
The following except from SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success will provide a wonderful array of communication choices for ease in negotiation:
Win-Win Wins Again
Here’s a list incorporating the style of language variations that will increase the likelihood of getting the most in a negotiation. Using these types of communications will also enhance how the other person in the negotiation sees what he or she’s gaining and giving up. And lastly, these approaches will go a long way to keep interactions from escalating into conflict.
>“Let’s keep talking so that we can get this right for both of us.”
> “Here are the topics we need to find ways to reach agreement about.”
> “I’m committed to finding the right way to make this happen.”
> “I know we can determine how to reach our goals in a way that will be good for both of us.”
> “I’m confident we can agree on … .”
> “Let’s examine ways to do XXX so we can finalize our agreement.”
> “Let’s look at how to make this equitable for everyone involved.”
Opposites Compete
It’s human nature to see circumstances from a one-sided and personal perspective. To reach agreement in a conflict or in a negotiation requires looking beyond self-interest and finding a balance that incorporates collaboration, compromise and inclusion. This requires focusing on your own goals without doing so at the expense of others, without sacrificing someone else’s well-being for your own advancement.
If reaching agreement is the true objective instead of creating a winner and loser, the likelihood of using effective communication and completing a successful negotiation in a timely manner increases dramatically.
About Those Numbers: The Money Game
When it comes to negotiating your annual salary increase or your new job compensation package, there are some hard and fast communication rules that can increase a good outcome.
> Whenever possible, postpone the discussion of numbers until after an offer has been made.
> Do your homework and know what the salaries and compensation ranges are REALISTICALLY in your field and in your geography.
>Name ranges rather than a specific number if you’re compelled to state compensation numbers.
>Without greed as the goal, ask what the employer’s flexibility is.
Here are communications that match these guidelines:
> “Let’s talk about salary later. I‘m so interested in hearing more about this position. I know we’ll be able to agree on numbers when we’re at the point where we both agree this is exactly the right position for me.”
> “What’s the range for this position? I’d be very interested in hearing more about that.”
> “When I began this job search, I promised myself I’d keep my salary history and all compensation numbers out of the conversations I’d have with people. I want to make sure my decision and my future employer’s decision about a job offer is based on how right the fit is and how much value I’ll bring to the company. I know we’ll be able to agree on the numbers if everything else is right.”
> “I began my career at XYZ when I was eighteen years old, just out of high school. I put myself through college at night and have continued to work for XYZ until now. My salary there today is based on my starting salary as a high school graduate, in spite of the fact that all of my clients are Fortune 500 corporations and all of the accounts I manage are multi-million-dollar accounts. Based on my research and success, I know my value in the job market today is in the mid six figure range.”
> “I did extensive research and spoke to people I respect highly to get your name. The reason I’m speaking to you today is because of your outstanding reputation as an executive recruiter. I know you’ve been placing key people in my industry and are an expert on what the right compensation range would be for a professional with the background and experience that I have. Since I’ve worked for XYZ since I was eighteen years old, my salary there today is based on my starting salary as a high school graduate. What do you see as the range for someone with my background and expertise who manages Fortune 500 multi-million dollar accounts? I know because of how successful you are that you have your finger right on the pulse of the marketplace and really know what the right range is for someone like me.”
> “I’m so pleased with this offer. I’ve thought about all that we discussed very carefully and see how good a fit this is and how well I’ll be able to do xxxxxxx, yyyyyyy, and zzzzzzz. I am particularly pleased about qqqqqqq. There are some topics I’d like to talk more to you about. Please describe further blah, etc. and blah. What is your flexibility on the compensation for this position? I am especially interested in hearing how you see the components we just discussed as they relate to the compensation. Let’s keep talking about all of this so we can make this right for both of us and finalize our agreement.”
Balance Isn’t Always Equal
Reaching an equitable or satisfactory agreement usually has pluses and minuses for both sides. Since self-interest is a primary human objective, the views and goals on either side of a negotiation are unlikely to be identical. Rather than look for a 50/50 exactly-equal deal, it’s better to define what’s desirable and equitable in terms of priorities, weighting of importance and long-term objectives. Going into a negotiation with as much definition and clarity as possible will provide perspective and objectivity which are challenging to maintain in a demanding negotiation or conflict resolution situation.
Until next time,
The Wordsmith
The following except from SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success will provide a wonderful array of communication choices for ease in negotiation:
Win-Win Wins Again
Here’s a list incorporating the style of language variations that will increase the likelihood of getting the most in a negotiation. Using these types of communications will also enhance how the other person in the negotiation sees what he or she’s gaining and giving up. And lastly, these approaches will go a long way to keep interactions from escalating into conflict.
>“Let’s keep talking so that we can get this right for both of us.”
> “Here are the topics we need to find ways to reach agreement about.”
> “I’m committed to finding the right way to make this happen.”
> “I know we can determine how to reach our goals in a way that will be good for both of us.”
> “I’m confident we can agree on … .”
> “Let’s examine ways to do XXX so we can finalize our agreement.”
> “Let’s look at how to make this equitable for everyone involved.”
Opposites Compete
It’s human nature to see circumstances from a one-sided and personal perspective. To reach agreement in a conflict or in a negotiation requires looking beyond self-interest and finding a balance that incorporates collaboration, compromise and inclusion. This requires focusing on your own goals without doing so at the expense of others, without sacrificing someone else’s well-being for your own advancement.
If reaching agreement is the true objective instead of creating a winner and loser, the likelihood of using effective communication and completing a successful negotiation in a timely manner increases dramatically.
About Those Numbers: The Money Game
When it comes to negotiating your annual salary increase or your new job compensation package, there are some hard and fast communication rules that can increase a good outcome.
> Whenever possible, postpone the discussion of numbers until after an offer has been made.
> Do your homework and know what the salaries and compensation ranges are REALISTICALLY in your field and in your geography.
>Name ranges rather than a specific number if you’re compelled to state compensation numbers.
>Without greed as the goal, ask what the employer’s flexibility is.
Here are communications that match these guidelines:
> “Let’s talk about salary later. I‘m so interested in hearing more about this position. I know we’ll be able to agree on numbers when we’re at the point where we both agree this is exactly the right position for me.”
> “What’s the range for this position? I’d be very interested in hearing more about that.”
> “When I began this job search, I promised myself I’d keep my salary history and all compensation numbers out of the conversations I’d have with people. I want to make sure my decision and my future employer’s decision about a job offer is based on how right the fit is and how much value I’ll bring to the company. I know we’ll be able to agree on the numbers if everything else is right.”
> “I began my career at XYZ when I was eighteen years old, just out of high school. I put myself through college at night and have continued to work for XYZ until now. My salary there today is based on my starting salary as a high school graduate, in spite of the fact that all of my clients are Fortune 500 corporations and all of the accounts I manage are multi-million-dollar accounts. Based on my research and success, I know my value in the job market today is in the mid six figure range.”
> “I did extensive research and spoke to people I respect highly to get your name. The reason I’m speaking to you today is because of your outstanding reputation as an executive recruiter. I know you’ve been placing key people in my industry and are an expert on what the right compensation range would be for a professional with the background and experience that I have. Since I’ve worked for XYZ since I was eighteen years old, my salary there today is based on my starting salary as a high school graduate. What do you see as the range for someone with my background and expertise who manages Fortune 500 multi-million dollar accounts? I know because of how successful you are that you have your finger right on the pulse of the marketplace and really know what the right range is for someone like me.”
> “I’m so pleased with this offer. I’ve thought about all that we discussed very carefully and see how good a fit this is and how well I’ll be able to do xxxxxxx, yyyyyyy, and zzzzzzz. I am particularly pleased about qqqqqqq. There are some topics I’d like to talk more to you about. Please describe further blah, etc. and blah. What is your flexibility on the compensation for this position? I am especially interested in hearing how you see the components we just discussed as they relate to the compensation. Let’s keep talking about all of this so we can make this right for both of us and finalize our agreement.”
Balance Isn’t Always Equal
Reaching an equitable or satisfactory agreement usually has pluses and minuses for both sides. Since self-interest is a primary human objective, the views and goals on either side of a negotiation are unlikely to be identical. Rather than look for a 50/50 exactly-equal deal, it’s better to define what’s desirable and equitable in terms of priorities, weighting of importance and long-term objectives. Going into a negotiation with as much definition and clarity as possible will provide perspective and objectivity which are challenging to maintain in a demanding negotiation or conflict resolution situation.
Until next time,
The Wordsmith
Friday, January 21, 2011
Speak Easy Note #47 - The Boss's Intentions - Common Blunders
New managers often worry that their friends at work will stop liking them when the hierarchy changes and they are no longer peers. Becoming a manager of someone who has been an equal co-worker can be a big challenge. Even experienced managers who have been the “boss” for an extended period of time fail to recognize how many of their preferred communication approaches can be big obstacles to clear understanding and successful outcomes. They are often unaware that they have conveyed something quite different from what they intended.
Here are three types of communications to avoid that frequently backfire:
1.
USING AN INDIRECT SUGGESTION TO CONVEY A REQUIREMENT:
Managers often tell me that they have given precise and clear directions to someone who works for them and that they’re quite upset about how far from the mark the results were that the person achieved. Even worse, the managers sometimes tell me that the individual paid no attention to their instructions and guidelines at all. When I probe further to determine how a clear instruction was so misinterpreted, I often learn that the managers never actually communicated any specific requirements at all. Instead they have started their clear instruction with,
“Why don’t you do it like this …”
OR
“A better approach to what you’re doing is …”
OR
“I would prefer you to …”
The potential for clarity of description for these is without debate. The manager can express very clear descriptions of how to achieve a task. What is totally missing from this language is the clarity of requirement. Certainly preference is stated. And yet, removal of choice and requirement of action are nowhere stated.
The recommendation to use equal, level, mutually respectful two-way communication is the first fundamental tenet in my book: SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success. The emphasis on avoiding micro-management of employees is valid and beneficial. A manager can communicate in a level way without micromanaging and still clearly convey specific task requirements.
2.
ASKING A CLOSED-ENDED QUESTION TO VERIFY UNDERSTANDING:
Another communication deficit closely linked to how managers are surprised by unexpected and undesirable outcomes is the tendency they have to ask questions like these:
“Are there any questions?”
“Do you understand?”
“Have I made everything clear?”
In most instances, the immediate answers to these questions are, “No.”, “Yes.” and “Yes.”. What verification occurs with this type of closed-ended questions? None at all, actually. Even when these answers are sincere, they cannot tell the manager if what he or she wanted to convey was actually understood or will be retained.
Much better questions for the manager to ask are:
“What questions do you have about XXX?”
“What are the most important concepts you got from what I just presented?”
“How can you best use the information I have just described?”
“What do you think is most significant about this topic?”
3.
RELYING ON FACIAL EXPRESSION, EYE CONTACT AND ANIMATION FOR ASSURANCE THAT A COMMUNICATION HAS BEEN UNDERSTOOD AND WILL BE WELL-EXECUTED:
A project manager said to me,
“I know that my team understands what I’m saying because I see that they’re listening closely. I can tell from their facial expression and their eye contact that they’re engaged and attentive.”
This belief that her team understands what she is telling them was in contrast to her low self-ratings on clear communication, team development and obtaining results. For sure, eye contact and facial expression are strong and clear indicators of how engaged people are. People’s engagement can be a preliminary gauge of comprehension. The fact is though that people can listen very attentively and still miss a good deal of what is presented to them. Also presenters can engage people and convey something other than what is intended. Full attention to what is said cannot guarantee desired execution and results.
In addition to monitoring how attentive an audience appears to be, it is critical to incorporate into all business (and social) venues verification of understanding and retention of information though multiple and varied two-way communications.
Until next time,
The Wordsmith
Here are three types of communications to avoid that frequently backfire:
1.
USING AN INDIRECT SUGGESTION TO CONVEY A REQUIREMENT:
Managers often tell me that they have given precise and clear directions to someone who works for them and that they’re quite upset about how far from the mark the results were that the person achieved. Even worse, the managers sometimes tell me that the individual paid no attention to their instructions and guidelines at all. When I probe further to determine how a clear instruction was so misinterpreted, I often learn that the managers never actually communicated any specific requirements at all. Instead they have started their clear instruction with,
“Why don’t you do it like this …”
OR
“A better approach to what you’re doing is …”
OR
“I would prefer you to …”
The potential for clarity of description for these is without debate. The manager can express very clear descriptions of how to achieve a task. What is totally missing from this language is the clarity of requirement. Certainly preference is stated. And yet, removal of choice and requirement of action are nowhere stated.
The recommendation to use equal, level, mutually respectful two-way communication is the first fundamental tenet in my book: SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success. The emphasis on avoiding micro-management of employees is valid and beneficial. A manager can communicate in a level way without micromanaging and still clearly convey specific task requirements.
2.
ASKING A CLOSED-ENDED QUESTION TO VERIFY UNDERSTANDING:
Another communication deficit closely linked to how managers are surprised by unexpected and undesirable outcomes is the tendency they have to ask questions like these:
In most instances, the immediate answers to these questions are, “No.”, “Yes.” and “Yes.”. What verification occurs with this type of closed-ended questions? None at all, actually. Even when these answers are sincere, they cannot tell the manager if what he or she wanted to convey was actually understood or will be retained.
Much better questions for the manager to ask are:
“What questions do you have about XXX?”
“What are the most important concepts you got from what I just presented?”
“How can you best use the information I have just described?”
“What do you think is most significant about this topic?”
3.
RELYING ON FACIAL EXPRESSION, EYE CONTACT AND ANIMATION FOR ASSURANCE THAT A COMMUNICATION HAS BEEN UNDERSTOOD AND WILL BE WELL-EXECUTED:
A project manager said to me,
“I know that my team understands what I’m saying because I see that they’re listening closely. I can tell from their facial expression and their eye contact that they’re engaged and attentive.”
This belief that her team understands what she is telling them was in contrast to her low self-ratings on clear communication, team development and obtaining results. For sure, eye contact and facial expression are strong and clear indicators of how engaged people are. People’s engagement can be a preliminary gauge of comprehension. The fact is though that people can listen very attentively and still miss a good deal of what is presented to them. Also presenters can engage people and convey something other than what is intended. Full attention to what is said cannot guarantee desired execution and results.
In addition to monitoring how attentive an audience appears to be, it is critical to incorporate into all business (and social) venues verification of understanding and retention of information though multiple and varied two-way communications.
Until next time,
The Wordsmith
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Speak Easy Note #46 - Phrases to Avoid
It's astonishing how frequently we use familiar phrases that are the opposite of our intended meaning or are completely unrelated to what we actually want to express. Since these phrases are so commonly used, we continue to say them with very little awareness of their potentially less than desirable impact and without recognizing that it would be appreciably better to eliminate them altogether or choose words instead that are much more direct and closely aligned with what we actually want to say.
Here's a list of five frequently used phrases to eliminate from your communication repertoire, accompanied by suggested choices to say in place of them:
1.
I don’t blame you for …
I definitely understand your choice to …
How interesting that we introduce blame when we wish to express understanding and alignment.
2.
To be honest, I …
I …
Whenever people feel a need to proclaim honesty prior to making a statement or expressing a viewpoint, it sets the stage for others to wonder if they've been other than honest prior to their declaration of honesty.
3.
Do you mind xxxx ...
I would appreciate it if you xxxx …. (or) Would you please xxx …
If our request is legitimate, then what's the purpose of asking someone if they “mind” doing something? If we really want to know what a person’s reaction is to our request, it would be better to ask, “How do you feel about doing xxx?”
4.
Iwould be willing …
I am comfortable … (or) I’m on board with … (or) I agree to
It's best to omit “willing” from your agreement unless you want to convey that you're doing something that's basically out of your best interests or far from your desire.
5.
No problem …
Sure … (or) Absolutely … (or) Of course … (or) I would be delighted to …
As acceptable as this expression is and as clear an understanding of it that everyone has, “No problem” is comprised of two negative words, one of which introduces a problematic premise to your reply.
Until next time,
The Wordsmith
Author of
SPEAK EASY - The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success
Here's a list of five frequently used phrases to eliminate from your communication repertoire, accompanied by suggested choices to say in place of them:
1.
I definitely understand your choice to …
How interesting that we introduce blame when we wish to express understanding and alignment.
2.
I …
Whenever people feel a need to proclaim honesty prior to making a statement or expressing a viewpoint, it sets the stage for others to wonder if they've been other than honest prior to their declaration of honesty.
3.
I would appreciate it if you xxxx …. (or) Would you please xxx …
If our request is legitimate, then what's the purpose of asking someone if they “mind” doing something? If we really want to know what a person’s reaction is to our request, it would be better to ask, “How do you feel about doing xxx?”
4.
I
I am comfortable … (or) I’m on board with … (or) I agree to
It's best to omit “willing” from your agreement unless you want to convey that you're doing something that's basically out of your best interests or far from your desire.
5.
Sure … (or) Absolutely … (or) Of course … (or) I would be delighted to …
As acceptable as this expression is and as clear an understanding of it that everyone has, “No problem” is comprised of two negative words, one of which introduces a problematic premise to your reply.
Until next time,
The Wordsmith
Author of
SPEAK EASY - The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Speak Easy Note # 45 - Pitfalls of Email
People frequently ask me to write about email communication and the pitfalls that we often create or fall into through email misuse. So let’s first revisit the “Top Ten Email Rules at Work” that I posted on August 7th, 2010 and then expand on #7:
#10. Start your email with the person’s name followed by a comma. “Dear” is not necessary. End all of your emails with a closure. It can be simply your name or just your initial(s) or it can be something like “Regards,” followed by your name. Just make sure you’ve indicated an end to your email.
#9. Keep your emails as courteous, concise and focused as possible. Make sure you include personal concern and brief friendly content in your email communications just as you would if you were speaking directly to a business associate, colleague or client. Respond to email promptly.
#8. Keep your business email professional. Use complete sentences, correct spelling and proper language for business email. Avoid using your business email to receive or distribute dirty jokes or X-rated photos. Once you hit “send” your email is out there and can come back to haunt you at a later time.
#7. People often attribute unintended tone and attitude to email communications. Monitor your email carefully and communicate directly with people to avoid the possibility of misinterpretation.
#6. Make sure that you’re not using email to avoid a face-to-face or direct communication with someone. Conflict avoidance often escalates a situation or can bite you on the backside down the road.
#5. Remember that anything you send via email can be forwarded to others without your control. Ask yourself before you send it if you’re comfortable with the potential of your email being forwarded.
#4. Be highly selective when choosing to copy others on a business email. When appropriate, use the blind cc feature to protect people’s privacy and to avoid exposing people’s email addresses when you are sending email to multiple recipients. If you’re sharing the contributions of others or helping others to get recognition, copying key people is a positive action. It’s bad practice to use email to expose someone who has made a mistake, whom you don’t like, or who you think is stupid.
#3. Use email when you need to communicate written dated proof of factual information; otherwise
communicate all other necessary negative feedback or views through personal verbal spoken communication.
#2. Never send email in the middle of an emotional reaction. Give yourself at least overnight to calm down before firing off an email response about something or someone that has upset you.
#1. The company you work for owns your email account and all of its contents. Make sure you’re aware of this and that everything you send and receive through your work email account would be appropriate for your boss to read.
It’s striking how often I hear my clients attribute negative emotional intent to an email they’ve received, and I can find none of the same emotional intent when I read that email. What’s the reason for the vast difference in interpretation? Certainly when we speak to one another directly, facial expression and voice tone are major contributors to how communication is interpreted and received. The Second Fundamental of Good Communication in SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success states that:
Since there's actually no tone of voice or facial expression in email, what occurs is the reader creates an imagined tone and interpretation based on past communications between the writer and the reader as well as on the individual values, perceptions and sometimes insecurities of the reader. Email can take readers down paths that are far removed from the intention or goals of the writer. In the workplace, direct communication is often neglected or abandoned altogether even though it's essential for smooth operations, efficient product delivery, leadership influence, strong project management, and especially superior customer relations. As we become more and more dependent on text and email, we get farther and farther from two-way mutually respectful dialog where there is better opportunity to build rapport, verify intent, answer questions and ensure understanding.
Here are alternative options to avoid these pitfalls of email communication:
1. Get up from your desk and walk down the hall to someone’s office or work station to have a direct conversation.
2. Pick up the phone to speak directly or leave a voicemail message, asking for a return phone call.
3. Write an email with a brief topic description, requesting a return call or face-to-face meeting to discuss something important.
Until next time,
The Wordsmith
#10. Start your email with the person’s name followed by a comma. “Dear” is not necessary. End all of your emails with a closure. It can be simply your name or just your initial(s) or it can be something like “Regards,” followed by your name. Just make sure you’ve indicated an end to your email.
#9. Keep your emails as courteous, concise and focused as possible. Make sure you include personal concern and brief friendly content in your email communications just as you would if you were speaking directly to a business associate, colleague or client. Respond to email promptly.
#8. Keep your business email professional. Use complete sentences, correct spelling and proper language for business email. Avoid using your business email to receive or distribute dirty jokes or X-rated photos. Once you hit “send” your email is out there and can come back to haunt you at a later time.
#7. People often attribute unintended tone and attitude to email communications. Monitor your email carefully and communicate directly with people to avoid the possibility of misinterpretation.
#6. Make sure that you’re not using email to avoid a face-to-face or direct communication with someone. Conflict avoidance often escalates a situation or can bite you on the backside down the road.
#5. Remember that anything you send via email can be forwarded to others without your control. Ask yourself before you send it if you’re comfortable with the potential of your email being forwarded.
#4. Be highly selective when choosing to copy others on a business email. When appropriate, use the blind cc feature to protect people’s privacy and to avoid exposing people’s email addresses when you are sending email to multiple recipients. If you’re sharing the contributions of others or helping others to get recognition, copying key people is a positive action. It’s bad practice to use email to expose someone who has made a mistake, whom you don’t like, or who you think is stupid.
#3. Use email when you need to communicate written dated proof of factual information; otherwise
communicate all other necessary negative feedback or views through personal verbal spoken communication.
#2. Never send email in the middle of an emotional reaction. Give yourself at least overnight to calm down before firing off an email response about something or someone that has upset you.
#1. The company you work for owns your email account and all of its contents. Make sure you’re aware of this and that everything you send and receive through your work email account would be appropriate for your boss to read.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
#7. People often attribute unintended tone and attitude to email communications. Monitor your email carefully and communicate directly with people to avoid the possibility of misinterpretation.
It’s striking how often I hear my clients attribute negative emotional intent to an email they’ve received, and I can find none of the same emotional intent when I read that email. What’s the reason for the vast difference in interpretation? Certainly when we speak to one another directly, facial expression and voice tone are major contributors to how communication is interpreted and received. The Second Fundamental of Good Communication in SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success states that:
The non-verbal portion of communication exceeds ninety percent of how communication is received.
Since there's actually no tone of voice or facial expression in email, what occurs is the reader creates an imagined tone and interpretation based on past communications between the writer and the reader as well as on the individual values, perceptions and sometimes insecurities of the reader. Email can take readers down paths that are far removed from the intention or goals of the writer. In the workplace, direct communication is often neglected or abandoned altogether even though it's essential for smooth operations, efficient product delivery, leadership influence, strong project management, and especially superior customer relations. As we become more and more dependent on text and email, we get farther and farther from two-way mutually respectful dialog where there is better opportunity to build rapport, verify intent, answer questions and ensure understanding.
Here are alternative options to avoid these pitfalls of email communication:
1. Get up from your desk and walk down the hall to someone’s office or work station to have a direct conversation.
2. Pick up the phone to speak directly or leave a voicemail message, asking for a return phone call.
3. Write an email with a brief topic description, requesting a return call or face-to-face meeting to discuss something important.
Until next time,
The Wordsmith
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Speak Easy Note # 44 - Communication Resolutions 2011
For my final post of 2010, I had planned to create a Top Ten Communication 2011 New Year's Resolution List. It struck me that these could be selected from the Speak Easy Rules at the end of each chapter in SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success. Then it struck me that an even better way to end the year would be to include all of the Rules from each of the thirteen chapters, so here they are:
Speak Easy Rules – Chapter Summaries
1 Keep It Level
> Experience a level playing field of communication.
> Be aware of how facial expressions say more than words.
> Monitor your voice tone to diminish dual messages.
> Express your reactions directly without apology.
> Focus on demonstrating respect in every communication.
2 Tell Them That You Really Heard
> Acknowledge what others are saying.
> Validate others’ positions before promoting your own.
> Concentrate on listening without jumping to your views.
> Realize you can validate others without agreeing with them.
> Separate high standards from disapproval and judgment.
3 There’s A Good Way To Say Everything
> Select direct ways to communicate.
> Realize that people appreciate hearing the truth.
> Recognize that there is no need to embellish or distort.
> Resolve to be comfortable talking about difficult topics.
> Use simpler descriptions and realize that less is more.
4 Replacing Deadly Habits
> Avoid passive or victimized language.
> Express yourself in the affirmative.
> Choose neutral rather than negatively-charged words.
> Recognize the pitfalls of giving people advice.
> Eliminate hackneyed ways of communicating.
5 Be Your Own Best Friend
> Get your sense of well-being from yourself.
> Disempower abusive communicators.
> Focus on what you have rather than on what is missing.
> Value the gains you receive from loss.
> Build strong systems of support.
6 Every Style Can Be Successful
> Appreciate what distinguishes you from other people.
> Believe there are many good approaches to all situations.
> Leverage your preferred style.
> See value in expanding your communication repertoire.
> Broaden your horizons to include wider views.
7 Armor For Abuse
> Dissolve people’s power to hurt you with their words.
> Recognize when silence would be the best response.
> Thank people, without defensiveness, for being open.
> Take care of your internal emotional trigger points.
> Refrain from measuring yourself harshly against others.
8 Refusing The Right Way
> Remain at ease when people make difficult requests.
> Validate people’s right to ask for what they want.
> Match your responses with what you can really deliver.
> Be clear when your intention is to refuse completely.
> Think through your response before you say yes.
9 Expanding Your “Who You Know” Quotient
> See NETWORKING as research and relationship building.
> Include solutions when discussing your challenges.
> Believe you have or can access the right contacts.
> Share what you know when you ask important questions.
> View NETWORKING as more than spreading your name.
10 Working It At Work
> Recognize how important positive communication is.
> Give 100% to being well-prepared.
> Speak with focus and direction.
> Base your communication on affirmative premises.
> Describe your strengths and actions in consistent terms.
11 Getting What You Want
> Think of negotiating as reaching agreement.
> Offer various options to get the results you want.
> Target what you say to your advantage.
> Define your objectives before engaging in negotiations.
> Recognize the value of patience and staying power.
12 Facing An Audience
> Challenge your belief system about public speaking.
> Realize how easy it is to talk about what you know well.
> See that stage fright enhances performance.
> Use true stories to illustrate your presentation points.
> Recognize how enthusiasm engages an audience.
13 Summing It All Up – Communication, Key To The Good Life
> Know that excellence in communication enriches life.
> Value what it takes to change communication patterns.
> See how universal basic human communication is.
> Take responsibility for what you say and how you say it.
> Be patient and determined with your communication goals.
Happy New Year!
Until 2011,
The Wordsmith
Speak Easy Rules – Chapter Summaries
1 Keep It Level
> Experience a level playing field of communication.
> Be aware of how facial expressions say more than words.
> Monitor your voice tone to diminish dual messages.
> Express your reactions directly without apology.
> Focus on demonstrating respect in every communication.
2 Tell Them That You Really Heard
> Acknowledge what others are saying.
> Validate others’ positions before promoting your own.
> Concentrate on listening without jumping to your views.
> Realize you can validate others without agreeing with them.
> Separate high standards from disapproval and judgment.
3 There’s A Good Way To Say Everything
> Select direct ways to communicate.
> Realize that people appreciate hearing the truth.
> Recognize that there is no need to embellish or distort.
> Resolve to be comfortable talking about difficult topics.
> Use simpler descriptions and realize that less is more.
4 Replacing Deadly Habits
> Avoid passive or victimized language.
> Express yourself in the affirmative.
> Choose neutral rather than negatively-charged words.
> Recognize the pitfalls of giving people advice.
> Eliminate hackneyed ways of communicating.
5 Be Your Own Best Friend
> Get your sense of well-being from yourself.
> Disempower abusive communicators.
> Focus on what you have rather than on what is missing.
> Value the gains you receive from loss.
> Build strong systems of support.
6 Every Style Can Be Successful
> Appreciate what distinguishes you from other people.
> Believe there are many good approaches to all situations.
> Leverage your preferred style.
> See value in expanding your communication repertoire.
> Broaden your horizons to include wider views.
7 Armor For Abuse
> Dissolve people’s power to hurt you with their words.
> Recognize when silence would be the best response.
> Thank people, without defensiveness, for being open.
> Take care of your internal emotional trigger points.
> Refrain from measuring yourself harshly against others.
8 Refusing The Right Way
> Remain at ease when people make difficult requests.
> Validate people’s right to ask for what they want.
> Match your responses with what you can really deliver.
> Be clear when your intention is to refuse completely.
> Think through your response before you say yes.
9 Expanding Your “Who You Know” Quotient
> See NETWORKING as research and relationship building.
> Include solutions when discussing your challenges.
> Believe you have or can access the right contacts.
> Share what you know when you ask important questions.
> View NETWORKING as more than spreading your name.
10 Working It At Work
> Recognize how important positive communication is.
> Give 100% to being well-prepared.
> Speak with focus and direction.
> Base your communication on affirmative premises.
> Describe your strengths and actions in consistent terms.
11 Getting What You Want
> Think of negotiating as reaching agreement.
> Offer various options to get the results you want.
> Target what you say to your advantage.
> Define your objectives before engaging in negotiations.
> Recognize the value of patience and staying power.
12 Facing An Audience
> Challenge your belief system about public speaking.
> Realize how easy it is to talk about what you know well.
> See that stage fright enhances performance.
> Use true stories to illustrate your presentation points.
> Recognize how enthusiasm engages an audience.
13 Summing It All Up – Communication, Key To The Good Life
> Know that excellence in communication enriches life.
> Value what it takes to change communication patterns.
> See how universal basic human communication is.
> Take responsibility for what you say and how you say it.
> Be patient and determined with your communication goals.
Happy New Year!
Until 2011,
The Wordsmith
Friday, December 3, 2010
Speak Easy Note #43 - On Being Present
From time to time, I receive a personal communication that feels significant and universal, and I decide to incorporate and fictionalize it into my blog posting:
A friend wrote:
“ ... It is the building up of things. It is that the dog is very ill and probably dying, and that my wife was so upset on the phone, and that I did not come home and kept working ... as I do when things are bad. By the time I got home tonight my wife was in bed asleep, as I knew she would be.
And the years flash by and will soon be gone altogether. And everything feels like a challenge. I spent most of the afternoon on something that I used to be able to accomplish in half an hour, and ended up with an unsatisfactory result.
My children do not have easy lives. There are no easy lives. The least I can do is to be there for them, to watch and to listen and to bear witness to their struggles with life. Which I know is important to them. But I am not there. And what I set out to do today and did not do at all was to reset my priorities. To see my oldest son who has opened a new business. And to see more of my other children. I have wisdom for them but I am not there. And, instead, an unsatisfactory day wasted on an unsatisfactory task that would have been better not to bother about at all, let alone be there instead of being with my wife who really needed me. And to think I told a former colleague the other day that, yes, I would be happy to take on a new design project for a couple of days a week for a year or two. Why did I agree to this! And there is no comfort anywhere.
At the very moment I was writing this last thought, I received an amusing email from my middle son and replied to it humorously. For some reason, he and I find humor where others don't. Since he was a tiny boy, we stand there sometimes, tears streaming down our faces, helpless with laughter. And no-one else understands why we are laughing.
So comfort is there after all ...”
My response:
Being present. All too troubling to consider, as I leave my elderly mother in Virginia, to return to New York after a ten-day visit. The range of emotions is vast. I can identify with you and feel how you are grappling with this. Chastising yourself though is hardly the point. It is a struggle being there for everyone. It has to start with being there for you, yourself, first. And the rest will follow. After all, in the end, for each of us and for every single moment we live and breathe, there IS only you, alone. The best part of life is being truly present for each moment and being there to support and share with others. Each "engagement" with those we love - and often, even with total strangers - is what makes life full of wonder. And yet, we are always separate and apart and can only be fully present for ourselves. Those who sacrifice their own lives for others can often be seeking what they cannot find in themselves.
Remain wholly present in life and contribute as much to the world and to your children as you can. Laughter till the tears run is just one way of being present and connected. Those moments remain within us, keeping us present for others when we are far apart and, alas, ever SEPARATE.
"Presence is more than just being there."
Malcolm S. Forbes
Until the next time,
The Wordsmith
Author of
SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success
A friend wrote:
“ ... It is the building up of things. It is that the dog is very ill and probably dying, and that my wife was so upset on the phone, and that I did not come home and kept working ... as I do when things are bad. By the time I got home tonight my wife was in bed asleep, as I knew she would be.
And the years flash by and will soon be gone altogether. And everything feels like a challenge. I spent most of the afternoon on something that I used to be able to accomplish in half an hour, and ended up with an unsatisfactory result.
My children do not have easy lives. There are no easy lives. The least I can do is to be there for them, to watch and to listen and to bear witness to their struggles with life. Which I know is important to them. But I am not there. And what I set out to do today and did not do at all was to reset my priorities. To see my oldest son who has opened a new business. And to see more of my other children. I have wisdom for them but I am not there. And, instead, an unsatisfactory day wasted on an unsatisfactory task that would have been better not to bother about at all, let alone be there instead of being with my wife who really needed me. And to think I told a former colleague the other day that, yes, I would be happy to take on a new design project for a couple of days a week for a year or two. Why did I agree to this! And there is no comfort anywhere.
At the very moment I was writing this last thought, I received an amusing email from my middle son and replied to it humorously. For some reason, he and I find humor where others don't. Since he was a tiny boy, we stand there sometimes, tears streaming down our faces, helpless with laughter. And no-one else understands why we are laughing.
So comfort is there after all ...”
My response:
Being present. All too troubling to consider, as I leave my elderly mother in Virginia, to return to New York after a ten-day visit. The range of emotions is vast. I can identify with you and feel how you are grappling with this. Chastising yourself though is hardly the point. It is a struggle being there for everyone. It has to start with being there for you, yourself, first. And the rest will follow. After all, in the end, for each of us and for every single moment we live and breathe, there IS only you, alone. The best part of life is being truly present for each moment and being there to support and share with others. Each "engagement" with those we love - and often, even with total strangers - is what makes life full of wonder. And yet, we are always separate and apart and can only be fully present for ourselves. Those who sacrifice their own lives for others can often be seeking what they cannot find in themselves.
Remain wholly present in life and contribute as much to the world and to your children as you can. Laughter till the tears run is just one way of being present and connected. Those moments remain within us, keeping us present for others when we are far apart and, alas, ever SEPARATE.
"Presence is more than just being there."
Malcolm S. Forbes
Until the next time,
The Wordsmith
Author of
SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success
Friday, November 19, 2010
Speak Easy Note #42 - Acceptance and Appreciation
As we approach the end of November, I want to offer words of Thanksgiving. The past two years have been full of challenge for so many people. Financial difficulties have been enormous and unemployment has been at record highs. It's hard to be thankful when the pressures are extreme and when there's such a strong sense of precariousness throughout our world.
I often write about perspective and its important contribution to how we experience challenge and difficulty and to what we can do to overcome them.
Acceptance and Appreciation are the keys to
Acceptance is taking in all that is rather than focusing on all that isn’t. Acceptance is quite different from settling, acquiescing, or giving up. Acceptance means letting go of perfection and other impossible unrealistic fantasies and taking in and seeing all that exists.
When I think of Acceptance, I’m reminded of Gilda Radner who told us, “It’s Always Something”
Appreciation goes beyond Acceptance and encompasses simple, basic, and true thankfulness for whatever you have. We live in a material world that distorts value and creates a consumer mentality. Children are growing up with so many possessions and toys that it becomes more and more difficult for them to ever comprehend that “The best things in life are free.” There really is no price or way to purchase the richest and best parts of life, like health, love, and friendship.
Appreciation brings to mind the wise saying:
“I cried because I had no shoes until I saw a person who had no feet.”
Here is a wonderful Charles Dickens quote about Appreciation:
“Reflect upon your present blessings - of which every man has many - not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.”
ACCEPT what is. APPRECIATE what you have.
Until next time,
The Wordsmith
Author of
SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success
I often write about perspective and its important contribution to how we experience challenge and difficulty and to what we can do to overcome them.
Acceptance and Appreciation are the keys to
> adjusting our perspective to one that is healthy and productive,
> facing the reality of our challenges,
> recognizing the abundance that exists around us,
> finding realistic solutions for demanding situations, and
> focusing on what we have rather than what is missing.
Acceptance is taking in all that is rather than focusing on all that isn’t. Acceptance is quite different from settling, acquiescing, or giving up. Acceptance means letting go of perfection and other impossible unrealistic fantasies and taking in and seeing all that exists.
When I think of Acceptance, I’m reminded of Gilda Radner who told us, “It’s Always Something”
Appreciation goes beyond Acceptance and encompasses simple, basic, and true thankfulness for whatever you have. We live in a material world that distorts value and creates a consumer mentality. Children are growing up with so many possessions and toys that it becomes more and more difficult for them to ever comprehend that “The best things in life are free.” There really is no price or way to purchase the richest and best parts of life, like health, love, and friendship.
Appreciation brings to mind the wise saying:
“I cried because I had no shoes until I saw a person who had no feet.”
Here is a wonderful Charles Dickens quote about Appreciation:
“Reflect upon your present blessings - of which every man has many - not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.”
ACCEPT what is. APPRECIATE what you have.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Until next time,
The Wordsmith
Author of
SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success
Friday, November 12, 2010
Speak Easy Note #41 - Pearls of Wisdom
Being a proponent of positive attitude and of the value of seeing the glass from the full perspective, I offer these non-delusional pearls of realistic wisdom for this week’s blog posting.
First, here are two excerpts from
SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success:
Whenever you determine that something won’t work or isn’t working, make sure you find a way to convey, “This is exactly what we need to do to make this successful.” Rather than describe what’s wrong, it’s always better to focus on communicating the solutions to fix the situation. When you challenge yourself to be a person that sees the world from a positive perspective and to focus on what is rather than on what isn’t, you will find that you will gain respect from others and draw them to you. You will also be building a reputation as a person who finds ways to get things accomplished rather than as a person who tears everything down through doubt and criticism.
Negativity can be quite subtle. Even the most positive sentiments can have a negative underbelly:
> “No problem!” is a positive expression comprised of two negative words.
> Saying, “I’ve no objection to…” is very different from saying, “I think that’s a good way to…”
> Stating, “I can’t disagree with you about…” has quite a different impact from saying, “I certainly agree with you that…”
Bella, a Marketing Director who had abruptly and unexpectedly lost her senior position in a technology company at age forty-five, described to me the value she’d gained from learning how to reposition what she wanted to convey to people. She described how much easier it had become for her to initiate difficult communications and how differently she felt about herself as a result of these enhanced techniques:
“It’s not whether my mood is up or down, it’s the fact that my choice of language or vocabulary greatly influences how the person I’m speaking to perceives me, hears my message, and understands the events I am describing. It’s about selecting appropriate language for that forward-moving spirit that I want to convey. This is not to ignore the fact that there’s something that is painful or difficult, but to have a set of language to use for the outside world that works for me. It’s how we all survive!”
How we communicate can make a tremendous difference on perceptions and outcomes and can be quite different from any difficult emotions or underlying beliefs we may have.
Here’s a link that provides a REALISTIC perspective on positive thinking:
http://www.wimp.com/positivethinking/
Until next time,
The Wordsmith
Author of
SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success
First, here are two excerpts from
SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success:
Whenever you determine that something won’t work or isn’t working, make sure you find a way to convey, “This is exactly what we need to do to make this successful.” Rather than describe what’s wrong, it’s always better to focus on communicating the solutions to fix the situation. When you challenge yourself to be a person that sees the world from a positive perspective and to focus on what is rather than on what isn’t, you will find that you will gain respect from others and draw them to you. You will also be building a reputation as a person who finds ways to get things accomplished rather than as a person who tears everything down through doubt and criticism.
Negativity can be quite subtle. Even the most positive sentiments can have a negative underbelly:
> “No problem!” is a positive expression comprised of two negative words.
> Saying, “I’ve no objection to…” is very different from saying, “I think that’s a good way to…”
> Stating, “I can’t disagree with you about…” has quite a different impact from saying, “I certainly agree with you that…”
... and ...
Bella, a Marketing Director who had abruptly and unexpectedly lost her senior position in a technology company at age forty-five, described to me the value she’d gained from learning how to reposition what she wanted to convey to people. She described how much easier it had become for her to initiate difficult communications and how differently she felt about herself as a result of these enhanced techniques:
“It’s not whether my mood is up or down, it’s the fact that my choice of language or vocabulary greatly influences how the person I’m speaking to perceives me, hears my message, and understands the events I am describing. It’s about selecting appropriate language for that forward-moving spirit that I want to convey. This is not to ignore the fact that there’s something that is painful or difficult, but to have a set of language to use for the outside world that works for me. It’s how we all survive!”
How we communicate can make a tremendous difference on perceptions and outcomes and can be quite different from any difficult emotions or underlying beliefs we may have.
Here’s a link that provides a REALISTIC perspective on positive thinking:
http://www.wimp.com/positivethinking/
Until next time,
The Wordsmith
Author of
SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success
Friday, November 5, 2010
Speak Easy Note #40 - To Speak or Not to Speak - Criticizing the Boss
Dear Wordsmith,
I need your advice on how to handle a performance review meeting that is on my calendar next week. I have worked for a large non-profit organization for twenty-five years. We had a major expansion of our facilities three years ago when a new Executive Director was hired. She brought three additional senior executives with her and over these last three years, I have watched my co-workers become totally disgruntled and dissatisfied. Two people have actually had mental health breakdowns because of work overload and extreme stress. This was a place where people loved to come to work and it’s now a place that is completely demoralized. Of course, in this economy with unemployment at such a high level, people are afraid to speak up, take action or quit their jobs. I am a mid-level manager and report directly to one of the new Deputy Directors who I realize has very little choice about how to maneuver in his job because he was brought in by the new Executive Director and is under her tight rule and control. It’s hard to sympathize with him though and quite frankly, everybody hates him, including me.
One of my peers told me that this Deputy Director has been asking for feedback from Managers about his own performance during their reviews. I am planning on retiring at the end of the summer and don’t want to make waves or be the one who takes a position or speaks out. On-the-other-hand, I care about the well-being of my co-workers a great deal and would like to at least express my views before I leave. I have been a dedicated and loyal employee here for so many years. It’s really troubling to witness the transformation of this workplace. What do you think is the right way for me to handle this meeting next week if I am asked for feedback?
Signed,
Fed-up and Burned-Out
Dear Fed-Up and Burned-Out,
How upsetting it must be for you to have worked somewhere for so long and see the kinds of changes there that you described. No matter what you decide to say next week in your performance review meeting, it’s good that you could get this off of your chest by writing about it here. That certainly doesn’t solve your dilemma and yet it’s very helpful to be able to communicate to an objective professional third party what you’re experiencing and how you’re feeling about such difficult circumstances.
I can’t tell you whether to say anything in the meeting next week. It really has to be your decision and it’s clearly a hard one for you to make. You say that you “don’t want to make waves or be the one who takes a position or speaks out.” You simultaneously say that you “would like to at least express [your] views before [you] leave.” It’s unsettling to have strong feelings that are the complete opposite from one another. Even though you’re the only one who can decide what’s right for you to say next week, I can give you key guidelines about the optimum way to communicate your observations and views, if you do decide to express them.
Instead of identifying what’s wrong or find fault, you can describe what’s missing and what would have a huge positive impact on the workplace if adapted or implemented.
For example: “Here’s what I see as ways to achieve the success you’re looking for …”
Select neutral rather than inflammatory language.
Rather than: “This is aproblem that requires conflict resolution.
Choose instead: “This is an opportunity that requires new approaches and enhancement.”
Express your comments using affirmative language formation without saying “not”.
Avoid:“That’s not a good way to talk to people.”
Better: “A good way to talk to people is …”
Omit “you” from your feedback so that it is situational rather than personally attacking.
Avoid:“You don’t give people the information they need to do their jobs.”
Better: “People feel that the information they need to do their jobs is missing.
By using language that is neutral and voice tone that is level and respectful, it’s possible to convey criticism and difficult feedback in a constructive and beneficial manner.
Until next time,
The Wordsmith
Author of
SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success
I need your advice on how to handle a performance review meeting that is on my calendar next week. I have worked for a large non-profit organization for twenty-five years. We had a major expansion of our facilities three years ago when a new Executive Director was hired. She brought three additional senior executives with her and over these last three years, I have watched my co-workers become totally disgruntled and dissatisfied. Two people have actually had mental health breakdowns because of work overload and extreme stress. This was a place where people loved to come to work and it’s now a place that is completely demoralized. Of course, in this economy with unemployment at such a high level, people are afraid to speak up, take action or quit their jobs. I am a mid-level manager and report directly to one of the new Deputy Directors who I realize has very little choice about how to maneuver in his job because he was brought in by the new Executive Director and is under her tight rule and control. It’s hard to sympathize with him though and quite frankly, everybody hates him, including me.
One of my peers told me that this Deputy Director has been asking for feedback from Managers about his own performance during their reviews. I am planning on retiring at the end of the summer and don’t want to make waves or be the one who takes a position or speaks out. On-the-other-hand, I care about the well-being of my co-workers a great deal and would like to at least express my views before I leave. I have been a dedicated and loyal employee here for so many years. It’s really troubling to witness the transformation of this workplace. What do you think is the right way for me to handle this meeting next week if I am asked for feedback?
Signed,
Fed-up and Burned-Out
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Fed-Up and Burned-Out,
How upsetting it must be for you to have worked somewhere for so long and see the kinds of changes there that you described. No matter what you decide to say next week in your performance review meeting, it’s good that you could get this off of your chest by writing about it here. That certainly doesn’t solve your dilemma and yet it’s very helpful to be able to communicate to an objective professional third party what you’re experiencing and how you’re feeling about such difficult circumstances.
I can’t tell you whether to say anything in the meeting next week. It really has to be your decision and it’s clearly a hard one for you to make. You say that you “don’t want to make waves or be the one who takes a position or speaks out.” You simultaneously say that you “would like to at least express [your] views before [you] leave.” It’s unsettling to have strong feelings that are the complete opposite from one another. Even though you’re the only one who can decide what’s right for you to say next week, I can give you key guidelines about the optimum way to communicate your observations and views, if you do decide to express them.
Instead of identifying what’s wrong or find fault, you can describe what’s missing and what would have a huge positive impact on the workplace if adapted or implemented.
For example: “Here’s what I see as ways to achieve the success you’re looking for …”
Select neutral rather than inflammatory language.
Rather than: “This is a
Choose instead: “This is an opportunity that requires new approaches and enhancement.”
Express your comments using affirmative language formation without saying “not”.
Avoid:
Better: “A good way to talk to people is …”
Omit “you” from your feedback so that it is situational rather than personally attacking.
Avoid:
Better: “People feel that the information they need to do their jobs is missing.
By using language that is neutral and voice tone that is level and respectful, it’s possible to convey criticism and difficult feedback in a constructive and beneficial manner.
Until next time,
The Wordsmith
Author of
SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success
Friday, October 29, 2010
Speak Easy Note #39 – Juggling Job Offers … Being True to Yourself
Dear Wordsmith,
The firm I've worked for, for the last eight years, is facing a severe downturn in business and is eliminating all consultants who don't have a significant book of business. My role has been primarily in project design and client service delivery which is what I was hired to do. I was even told three years ago by the biggest producer and most senior partner of our firm that I was doing such an outstanding job for the firm’s two major clients. He said he wanted me to continue to focus on supporting these two clients and not to focus on building a book of business of my own. He told me that there would always be a role for me in the firm and that I was providing the highest caliber of work possible. Flash forward to March of this year when I was told that by the end of October, I would need to have found new employment since the work for these two major clients had diminished significantly and the firm could only afford to keep consultants who were earning their keep through having built a solid book of business.
Since March, I've poured myself into networking and job search and am fortunate, in this difficult job market, to have two excellent potential options to consider. The problem is that even though these were moving along at a parallel pace for a while, one of them has speeded up significantly and the other has slowed down quite a bit. My current employer has committed to keep me officially employed without announcing anything about my work coming to a close until the end of November. This is very helpful so that I can convey and demonstrate to these two potential new employers that I am employed and still working until then.
Here are some of the specifics of these two options:
Option A:
A former colleague who heads up a consulting business in Chicago has asked me to open a satellite office for them in Atlanta. They have asked me to locate office space here in Atlanta which I have done and they have signed a lease starting in November on a monthly basis through an office-services executive suite provider.
Option B:
This is a long shot and one I am extremely interested in. Rather than working as an external business management consultant, this is an internal strategic planning role for an established technology company. This is what I most want to do and feel that this could be a once in a career opportunity. Of course, I don't know if I will get the offer. The final round of interviews has been rescheduled twice and now won’t take place until the last week in November. I am one of only two final candidates who will be interviewed by the CEO and new General Manager.
I cannot risk being unemployed or being passed over right now and have chosen to move forward with the Chicago consulting firm until and unless I get the offer from the technology company. Prior to their signing the lease for me to have new office space, I felt that my communications were as they should be. Now, with every day that passes, I am feeling more and more uncomfortable. I've always had a strong ethical compass in all of my business dealings and want to make sure that's the basis for all of my decisions and actions right now during this extra challenging timeframe. It's very important to me to be direct and honest with people and my professional reputation is at stake here. Please help me figure out the best way to handle this dilemma.
I would like to postpone any official announcement of the new Atlanta office and my role in it as Managing Partner as well as postpone my official start day. If I accept the other offer in the next month to six weeks, I am so concerned about how all of these current communications will appear in retrospect. I have to put my professional and family security first. Is there any way to do that and still act with integrity?
Signed,
Tightrope Walker
Dear Tightrope Walker,
It sounds like you’re experiencing tremendous pressure and that this must be extremely stressful for you and your family. Let’s work toward adjusting your perspectives so you can be less stressed. And let’s also craft some best-case communications and strategies to carry you through this successfully.
Putting your own personal obligations and responsibilities first is an ethical decision. You are right to protect your own job security as your first priority. To gain some perspective, look back for a moment. When the partner told you then that you were highly valued, that you would always have a role in the firm and that you did not need to focus on building a book of business, he was speaking to you in good faith and was sincere about the current circumstances at that moment in time. When things changed, you were unexpectedly told something altogether different. You've actually been sincere and acting in good faith with the Chicago consulting firm. You don't have any other offer at the moment and don't have any guarantee that you will get one. So you are moving forward in an ethical and appropriate way based on the facts that are true right now.
Here’s another way of looking at this challenging situation. It’s possible that you could have accepted the new role with the Chicago-based consulting firm, could have set up their Atlanta office and could have begun diligently and whole heartedly working for them to establish their Atlanta presence, when, suddenly, six weeks into the commitment, you get a totally unexpected call to come in and interview for your dream job in your dream environment, resulting in an offer.
Additional remedy activities and choices you might want to provide at that future point of job offer, IF it occurs, might include these:
- Offer to reimburse the firm for their office rental expenses.
- Recommend other candidates to fill the managing partner role.
- Continue to provide client introductions and participate in business development activities.
- Make a commitment to bring your new technology company to the table as a potential client.
Here's the type of communication that may be very helpful for this situation:
“I have just received an offer for a job that is beyond any expectation I have ever had. This is exactly the kind of work I most want to do. I certainly was astonished to receive this offer at this point in time when I have just made such a significant and dedicated commitment to XYZ Consulting. This has definitely been one of the most difficult decisions and challenging crossroads of my professional life. I have accepted the offer and wanted to come to you immediately to inform you of this. I want to do everything possible to make this transition as smooth and successful for the firm as possible. I have put an outline together with important talking points for us to examine together. I want to partner with you in every way I can to ensure as much business and operating success for the firm as possible.”
It's also appropriate right now to find a very simple way to ask for the announcement to be made in December along with your official start date. That brief communication might sound like this:
"I've discussed my departure from my current role with the senior partners in my firm and we mutually agreed on December 1 as the official date for me to start a new job. There are some loose ends that are pending here and I think it makes sense to wait until all that is completed before beginning the new job officially and before making a formal announcement about the new Atlanta practice and my role as Managing Partner. I will continue to set up client calls and actively participate in marketing meetings in the interim. December 1 also makes a lot of sense because I have commitments and will be traveling over Thanksgiving and there will be continuity if my official start date follows that trip."
The best communications are direct, simple and respectful with integrity and honesty as the guiding underlying principles.
Until next time,
The Wordsmith
Author of
SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success
The firm I've worked for, for the last eight years, is facing a severe downturn in business and is eliminating all consultants who don't have a significant book of business. My role has been primarily in project design and client service delivery which is what I was hired to do. I was even told three years ago by the biggest producer and most senior partner of our firm that I was doing such an outstanding job for the firm’s two major clients. He said he wanted me to continue to focus on supporting these two clients and not to focus on building a book of business of my own. He told me that there would always be a role for me in the firm and that I was providing the highest caliber of work possible. Flash forward to March of this year when I was told that by the end of October, I would need to have found new employment since the work for these two major clients had diminished significantly and the firm could only afford to keep consultants who were earning their keep through having built a solid book of business.
Since March, I've poured myself into networking and job search and am fortunate, in this difficult job market, to have two excellent potential options to consider. The problem is that even though these were moving along at a parallel pace for a while, one of them has speeded up significantly and the other has slowed down quite a bit. My current employer has committed to keep me officially employed without announcing anything about my work coming to a close until the end of November. This is very helpful so that I can convey and demonstrate to these two potential new employers that I am employed and still working until then.
Here are some of the specifics of these two options:
Option A:
A former colleague who heads up a consulting business in Chicago has asked me to open a satellite office for them in Atlanta. They have asked me to locate office space here in Atlanta which I have done and they have signed a lease starting in November on a monthly basis through an office-services executive suite provider.
Option B:
This is a long shot and one I am extremely interested in. Rather than working as an external business management consultant, this is an internal strategic planning role for an established technology company. This is what I most want to do and feel that this could be a once in a career opportunity. Of course, I don't know if I will get the offer. The final round of interviews has been rescheduled twice and now won’t take place until the last week in November. I am one of only two final candidates who will be interviewed by the CEO and new General Manager.
I cannot risk being unemployed or being passed over right now and have chosen to move forward with the Chicago consulting firm until and unless I get the offer from the technology company. Prior to their signing the lease for me to have new office space, I felt that my communications were as they should be. Now, with every day that passes, I am feeling more and more uncomfortable. I've always had a strong ethical compass in all of my business dealings and want to make sure that's the basis for all of my decisions and actions right now during this extra challenging timeframe. It's very important to me to be direct and honest with people and my professional reputation is at stake here. Please help me figure out the best way to handle this dilemma.
I would like to postpone any official announcement of the new Atlanta office and my role in it as Managing Partner as well as postpone my official start day. If I accept the other offer in the next month to six weeks, I am so concerned about how all of these current communications will appear in retrospect. I have to put my professional and family security first. Is there any way to do that and still act with integrity?
Signed,
Tightrope Walker
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Tightrope Walker,
It sounds like you’re experiencing tremendous pressure and that this must be extremely stressful for you and your family. Let’s work toward adjusting your perspectives so you can be less stressed. And let’s also craft some best-case communications and strategies to carry you through this successfully.
Putting your own personal obligations and responsibilities first is an ethical decision. You are right to protect your own job security as your first priority. To gain some perspective, look back for a moment. When the partner told you then that you were highly valued, that you would always have a role in the firm and that you did not need to focus on building a book of business, he was speaking to you in good faith and was sincere about the current circumstances at that moment in time. When things changed, you were unexpectedly told something altogether different. You've actually been sincere and acting in good faith with the Chicago consulting firm. You don't have any other offer at the moment and don't have any guarantee that you will get one. So you are moving forward in an ethical and appropriate way based on the facts that are true right now.
Here’s another way of looking at this challenging situation. It’s possible that you could have accepted the new role with the Chicago-based consulting firm, could have set up their Atlanta office and could have begun diligently and whole heartedly working for them to establish their Atlanta presence, when, suddenly, six weeks into the commitment, you get a totally unexpected call to come in and interview for your dream job in your dream environment, resulting in an offer.
Additional remedy activities and choices you might want to provide at that future point of job offer, IF it occurs, might include these:
- Offer to reimburse the firm for their office rental expenses.
- Recommend other candidates to fill the managing partner role.
- Continue to provide client introductions and participate in business development activities.
- Make a commitment to bring your new technology company to the table as a potential client.
Here's the type of communication that may be very helpful for this situation:
“I have just received an offer for a job that is beyond any expectation I have ever had. This is exactly the kind of work I most want to do. I certainly was astonished to receive this offer at this point in time when I have just made such a significant and dedicated commitment to XYZ Consulting. This has definitely been one of the most difficult decisions and challenging crossroads of my professional life. I have accepted the offer and wanted to come to you immediately to inform you of this. I want to do everything possible to make this transition as smooth and successful for the firm as possible. I have put an outline together with important talking points for us to examine together. I want to partner with you in every way I can to ensure as much business and operating success for the firm as possible.”
It's also appropriate right now to find a very simple way to ask for the announcement to be made in December along with your official start date. That brief communication might sound like this:
"I've discussed my departure from my current role with the senior partners in my firm and we mutually agreed on December 1 as the official date for me to start a new job. There are some loose ends that are pending here and I think it makes sense to wait until all that is completed before beginning the new job officially and before making a formal announcement about the new Atlanta practice and my role as Managing Partner. I will continue to set up client calls and actively participate in marketing meetings in the interim. December 1 also makes a lot of sense because I have commitments and will be traveling over Thanksgiving and there will be continuity if my official start date follows that trip."
The best communications are direct, simple and respectful with integrity and honesty as the guiding underlying principles.
Until next time,
The Wordsmith
Author of
SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Speak Easy Note #38 - Starting the Dream Job ... Wait, There's a Hitch!
Dear Wordsmith,
In three weeks I’m starting a new dream job. I’ve wanted a role like this for so long. The company is highly respected, the product is of excellent quality and the job description encompasses everything that I have been building toward for many years. This will be my largest responsibility to date, with over 30,000 employees working in my Division. I have an unusual background because I worked on the product development and marketing side of the business for many years before becoming a Human Resources Executive, specializing in Leadership and Talent Development. People in sales and marketing are often high achievers in building company profitability who have great business development skills and end up being promoted to management roles even though they have never managed people or been leaders who motivate and inspire others. Often they have a very competitive individual-contributor drive and can find it challenging to channel their competitive natures into the leadership inspiration and vision required in executive positions. Team development is quite different from business development.
A former colleague that I worked with years ago approached me to fill this new job exactly because I have such a personal and deep understanding of these dynamics and because of my long history in marketing combined with my extensive experience as an HR Professional. She said she knew I would be the best person to head up the Talent and Leadership Development function because of the unique background and experience that I will be bringing. I agree 100% and know I have so much to contribute that will make a big difference and add so much needed value.
The former head of this department, whom I will be replacing, has always been in Human Resources roles throughout his career and has never had a first-hand role in operations, marketing or business development. He has been described to me as very detailed-oriented and seems to get completely bogged down in every project he has ever initiated. I'm known for seeing the big picture, putting the right people in place and for delegating with precision to the right individuals. So how perfect does this all sound? Well, wait a minute. There’s a huge elephant in the room. And guess what/who it is? The person I’m replacing is not only not being let go, he will be continuing in a key administrative management position in the same department within the same group that he used to be the leader of. I will be his boss and will be the boss of all of the people he has been the boss of for the last eight years! He and I have met and he was very pleasant and even receptive to my taking over the helm from him. I can see though that it will be very hard for him to let go of the decision-making authority he has always held. I also can see how well-liked he is by everyone and I can imagine that people will naturally go to him with problems and questions because that’s what they’ve always done. I‘ve been told that because of his long tenure and great company loyalty that his employment is secure.
I want to handle this well and know that my communications with him and with others in the first six months of this new job are the key to my long-term success in the company. Please give me your best advice on how to do this well and right.
Signed,
Highly Motivated and Slightly Nervous
Dear Motivated and Nervous,
What a mixture of emotions you must have. Starting a new job is always challenging and stressful. On top of the normal feelings a new manager would have, you are walking into a situation that is charged with many extra elements to keep you on guard. The best approach is to use this awareness to increase your motivation to do a really great job and pay extra attention to the interpersonal dynamics that are always critical for success in the workplace.
Here are some basic operating premises that can form the foundation for your success:
You are the right person for this role and your extensive experience, vast expertise and calm solid self-confidence will reflect that, day-in and day-out.
Your enthusiasm to prove yourself and do a good job will be preceded and surpassed by your commitment to listening to others’ viewpoints and by your visible respect for everyone who works for you and with you.
Leadership is quite different from popularity. Your goal is to inspire, provide vision and demonstrate authority for what is right. If making sure people like you as much as they like your predecessor becomes your highest priority, it is unlikely that you will ever achieve that goal or any of the other secondary objectives you have.
Delegating authority to others, including your predecessor, is an excellent way to show you have confidence in your team and in their former boss. Give up power whenever possible so that when it is essential for you to be in charge, you will be, plain and simple. If you focus on being egalitarian, rather than obsessed with controlling everything, you will gain the potential to garner better results and stronger loyalties.
When there are conflicts in role authority between you and your predecessor, without becoming dependent on your own boss and without giving up your leadership authority, selectively (and confidentially) request that your boss or a senior executive arbitrates a decision or assigns authority to you publicly so that your predecessor will save face and/or have no recourse. This will avoid natural power struggles between you and him and will also remove some of the feelings of resentment about you that he may have. This tactic must be used sparingly and strategically. When you make these requests to senior management on a limited basis, you will be demonstrating your leadership, your vision, and your careful management of a sensitive situation.
Partner with your predecessor whenever possible and praise him publicly often. He has some strengths that you can capitalize on that will open up great windows of time for you to concentrate on what you do best and care about most. The more he feels valued, the more influence he will provide to bring others on board with your initiatives.
If you sense sabotage or undermining from him or because of him, it’s very important to establish frequent open communication. Remember that open communication involves a good deal of listening. Ask tactical open-ended questions to gather information. Validate others based on careful listening. State your opinions and requests without emotion or judgment. Verify understanding. Ask for buy-in.
Until next time,
The Wordsmith
Author of
SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success
In three weeks I’m starting a new dream job. I’ve wanted a role like this for so long. The company is highly respected, the product is of excellent quality and the job description encompasses everything that I have been building toward for many years. This will be my largest responsibility to date, with over 30,000 employees working in my Division. I have an unusual background because I worked on the product development and marketing side of the business for many years before becoming a Human Resources Executive, specializing in Leadership and Talent Development. People in sales and marketing are often high achievers in building company profitability who have great business development skills and end up being promoted to management roles even though they have never managed people or been leaders who motivate and inspire others. Often they have a very competitive individual-contributor drive and can find it challenging to channel their competitive natures into the leadership inspiration and vision required in executive positions. Team development is quite different from business development.
A former colleague that I worked with years ago approached me to fill this new job exactly because I have such a personal and deep understanding of these dynamics and because of my long history in marketing combined with my extensive experience as an HR Professional. She said she knew I would be the best person to head up the Talent and Leadership Development function because of the unique background and experience that I will be bringing. I agree 100% and know I have so much to contribute that will make a big difference and add so much needed value.
The former head of this department, whom I will be replacing, has always been in Human Resources roles throughout his career and has never had a first-hand role in operations, marketing or business development. He has been described to me as very detailed-oriented and seems to get completely bogged down in every project he has ever initiated. I'm known for seeing the big picture, putting the right people in place and for delegating with precision to the right individuals. So how perfect does this all sound? Well, wait a minute. There’s a huge elephant in the room. And guess what/who it is? The person I’m replacing is not only not being let go, he will be continuing in a key administrative management position in the same department within the same group that he used to be the leader of. I will be his boss and will be the boss of all of the people he has been the boss of for the last eight years! He and I have met and he was very pleasant and even receptive to my taking over the helm from him. I can see though that it will be very hard for him to let go of the decision-making authority he has always held. I also can see how well-liked he is by everyone and I can imagine that people will naturally go to him with problems and questions because that’s what they’ve always done. I‘ve been told that because of his long tenure and great company loyalty that his employment is secure.
I want to handle this well and know that my communications with him and with others in the first six months of this new job are the key to my long-term success in the company. Please give me your best advice on how to do this well and right.
Signed,
Highly Motivated and Slightly Nervous
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Motivated and Nervous,
What a mixture of emotions you must have. Starting a new job is always challenging and stressful. On top of the normal feelings a new manager would have, you are walking into a situation that is charged with many extra elements to keep you on guard. The best approach is to use this awareness to increase your motivation to do a really great job and pay extra attention to the interpersonal dynamics that are always critical for success in the workplace.
Here are some basic operating premises that can form the foundation for your success:
You are the right person for this role and your extensive experience, vast expertise and calm solid self-confidence will reflect that, day-in and day-out.
Your enthusiasm to prove yourself and do a good job will be preceded and surpassed by your commitment to listening to others’ viewpoints and by your visible respect for everyone who works for you and with you.
Leadership is quite different from popularity. Your goal is to inspire, provide vision and demonstrate authority for what is right. If making sure people like you as much as they like your predecessor becomes your highest priority, it is unlikely that you will ever achieve that goal or any of the other secondary objectives you have.
Delegating authority to others, including your predecessor, is an excellent way to show you have confidence in your team and in their former boss. Give up power whenever possible so that when it is essential for you to be in charge, you will be, plain and simple. If you focus on being egalitarian, rather than obsessed with controlling everything, you will gain the potential to garner better results and stronger loyalties.
When there are conflicts in role authority between you and your predecessor, without becoming dependent on your own boss and without giving up your leadership authority, selectively (and confidentially) request that your boss or a senior executive arbitrates a decision or assigns authority to you publicly so that your predecessor will save face and/or have no recourse. This will avoid natural power struggles between you and him and will also remove some of the feelings of resentment about you that he may have. This tactic must be used sparingly and strategically. When you make these requests to senior management on a limited basis, you will be demonstrating your leadership, your vision, and your careful management of a sensitive situation.
Partner with your predecessor whenever possible and praise him publicly often. He has some strengths that you can capitalize on that will open up great windows of time for you to concentrate on what you do best and care about most. The more he feels valued, the more influence he will provide to bring others on board with your initiatives.
If you sense sabotage or undermining from him or because of him, it’s very important to establish frequent open communication. Remember that open communication involves a good deal of listening. Ask tactical open-ended questions to gather information. Validate others based on careful listening. State your opinions and requests without emotion or judgment. Verify understanding. Ask for buy-in.
Until next time,
The Wordsmith
Author of
SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
