Friday, October 23, 2009

Speak Easy Note #8 - You Really Shouldn't "Should"

Last week I committed to writing about a small word that is often used to express guilt or judgment. That little trouble-producing word is “should” - a word that has the potential of generating a significant negative impact on communication.

The following excerpt is from SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success available through Word Craft Press. Currently there is a delay in purchasing and receiving SPEAK EASY because sections of SPEAK EASY’s Kirkus review are being added to the book cover and interior. You can read SPEAK EASY’s October 12, 2009 review by going directly to Kirkus Reviews / Discoveries. More about that review later.

Life is full of paradox. Yes, people ask you for advice all the time. “So, what do you think I should do?” The truth is, however, they don’t actually like your telling them what to do! Additionally, they don’t like feeling judged. And most of all, as a result of telling people what they should do, you then put yourself in the undesirable position of sharing responsibility for other people’s choices. When your goal is to advise someone in a specific way or to express to others what you see as the correct choice, there is an excellent way to communicate your recommendation and/or authority without telling anyone what they should do:

AVOID SAYING:
“Here’s what I think you should do.”

INSTEAD SAY:
“Here’s what I think is most important to consider.”

AVOID SAYING:
“Here’s what you should do to fix this.”

INSTEAD SAY:
“Here’s what I see as the best solutions to this situation.”

There’s a subtle and important difference in both of these pairs of communication options. In each of the first statements, you’re participating in the choice, putting pressure on the other person, or stating an expectation. In both of the second statements, you’re taking responsibility for your opinion and removing yourself from the actual decision that only the other person can make. What we think is right for another person may be quite different from what the other person believes or wants.

Another type of “should” is the one we direct toward ourselves in a reprimanding way:

“I should have told you.”

“I should have done more.”

“I shouldn’t have eaten that.”

When you start your thoughts with the words, “I should” (or shouldn’t), you’re blaming yourself and assuming guilt, without taking real responsibility for your actions and choices. There’s a helpless guilt that accompanies seeing and expressing yourself this way. The excuse is given, the shame is attached and the decision to act differently going forward is buried or ignored.

It takes courage and awareness to say instead:

“I know you’re hurt that you learned about this from someone other than me. I feel bad that I didn’t tell you myself.”

“I see how much more time I could have given and I wish that I had. Going forward I want to look at my priorities and make time for what is important.”

“I’m aware that I’m over-eating and eating foods that are not good for me. It’s important to me to change my eating habits.”

By expressing yourself in this fuller way, you’re facing what’s underneath the “I should” words. Heaping guilt on yourself is non-productive and unhealthy. Using the word “should” to absolve yourself of guilt is also undesirable. When you work on addressing the use of self-directed “shoulds”, you come face to face with your own desires, your level of motivation and most importantly your ability to be self-accepting and tolerant. If you can’t be tolerant of yourself, it’s unlikely you will be tolerant of others.

As soon as you remove the word “should” from your communications and express your reactions and wishes without judgment, you will start to find better ways to speak to people, will feel differently when you’re speaking to them and, best of all, will also get better responses in return.

So remember,
“You really shouldn't “SHOULD”!”

Before signing off, here is a quote from the Kirkus review:

"In a marketplace glutted with self-help guides, how-to tomes and handbooks for dummies and idiots, Speak Easy rises above the cacophony of business and personal-growth gurus who promise the moon, to offer clear, practical and actionable personal change that can actually make a difference. Easily readable, visually presented and impeccably organized, this work will provide valuable reading for any business, family or individual.” KIRKUS DISCOVERIES, NIELSEN BUSINESS MEDIA

I am one happy author!  And I will be even happier when SPEAK EASY can be purchased again.  The process is going quickly.  It is quite exciting to have such a strong review!

Next Friday in Speak Easy Notes, I will write about writing...

Until then,
The Wordsmith

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