Friday, October 16, 2009

Speak Easy Note #7 - More Than Words

Who knew when I wrote last week about the importance of validating people and committed to write this week about "what you don't say" rather than "what you say" that I would begin this week's posting with the lyrics to a love song, MORE THAN WORDS, by Extreme's Nuno Bettancourt and Gary Cherone?:

Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you

It's not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew

How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real


Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
Cos I'd already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two

More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real


What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn't make things new
Just by saying I love you

Now I've tried to talk to you and make you understand

All you have to do is close your eyes
And just reach out your hands and touch me
Hold me close don't ever let me go

More than words is all I ever needed you to show
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
Cos I'd already know

In "SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success" available through Word Craft Press, I write about "More Than Words":

What is surprising is that words are actually the smallest contributor to how communication is received. So how does this seeming contradiction work?

When people are asked to say what percentage of communication they think is non-verbal, what percentage is other than the spoken words, they usually recognize that the percentage has to be at least 50%. They frequently think it may even be in the 75% range. They’re usually astounded to learn how much larger a portion it actually is.  Research repeatedly shows that the non-verbal portion of communication exceeds 90% of how communication is received.  The largest non-verbal elements of communication are facial expression and tone of voice.

As a dedicated wordsmith and communication coach, I remember first learning this percentage and feeling rather down-hearted. I said to a colleague, “What’s the point in my helping people fine-tune the words they’re using if the words represent only 7% of how communication is received?”

My colleague quickly pointed out that if there’s only a 7% window to get the right words into a communication, it’s critical to choose those words carefully. His response crystallized for me the significance of choosing the right words, while always remembering the critical importance of tone and facial expression.

This component of non-verbal communication links quite beautifully with the concept of validation that we looked at closely last week.  A person's tone or facial expression can communicate something entirely different from his or her spoken words which is why I found it so frustrating to hear that customer service supervisor repeatedly say, "I understand" when she showed me no understanding at all, when she said nothing to me that indicated she was actually listening to anything I was saying, and when the concept of validating what I had said to her was completely missing from her tone and her words.

Combining validation and acknowledgement with matching non-verbal communication is an essential ingredient for good communication.  In a workshop I facilitated at Harpo Productions in Chicago, Oprah said to me that in all of the years she has been interviewing people that the one common denominator she saw in each person she had ever interviewed was that people always want to be validated.  She said it wasn't about agreeing with them or condoning what their beliefs were or praising what they had done.  It was about letting them know that they had been truly heard.

So remember the importance of non-verbal communication; it's not what you say, it's how you say it! And always show people how well you've listened by remembering to validate what they've said to you.

Next week, we'll take a look at a small word that is often a big guilt-producer. 

Until then,
The Wordsmith

 










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