Friday, October 9, 2009

Speak Easy Note #6 - Tell Them That You Really Heard

Last week, when I committed to writing this Friday about the key ingredient that demonstrates LISTENING, I would have never imagined the framework I would choose to introduce this important topic.  This week has had its special demands. The IRS wants to examine my tax returns. My brain has been totally fried as I gather all of the records I will need to reconstruct and support all of my Schedule C deductions.

One of my related adventures has been obtaining all of my monthly credit card statements for the years 2006, 2007, and 2008. I have 25 of the 37 monthly statements I need. I called my credit card company to request the 12 missing months and was told that I would have to register online and wait 24 to 48 hours and would then be able to download the missing statements. So after waiting 48 hours for my download opportunity, I learned online that I can only request six statements at a time and that I will have to wait another 48 hours to gain access to the first six and, you guessed it, then request the remaining six and wait still another 48 hours to get those. Arrrrrrrrrgh!

As I was clicking and requesting, I saw on the screen that I had been asked to fill in a customer satisfaction survey. I clicked “No, Thank You” since I had zero desire to spend any more time online filling in boxes and typing out my frustration. No thank you indeed; I wanted to SPEAK to someone directly and COMPLAIN.

After one person told me she was not authorized to provide me with what I wanted, I asked to speak to a person who did have that authority. The supervisor who came on the phone line next told me that the system is set up that way, that there was no way for me to see more than six statements at a time and that the 48 hour waiting period is also carved in stone. After determining that no one had the authority to get my 12 statements to me right away, I slipped into acceptance mode and became ready to wait it out. Simultaneously, I was becoming more angry and frustrated. What was most upsetting to me was the repeated response this supervisor kept saying to me, “I understand.”  With each “I understand” from her, I became more and more dissatisfied.  I wanted to teach this woman how to validate what I had told her. I wanted her to say something genuine and different from what she had said over and over to every other customer with a complaint.

I wanted her to read Chapter 8 of “SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success” available for purchase at Word Craft Press.  I wanted her to show me she had been paying attention to what I had been saying to her and to what I was specifically experiencing, even if she couldn’t fix anything for me or get me my statements immediately.

I wanted her to LISTEN.

Here are some related sections excerpted from SPEAK EASY:

When you’re talking to someone, your views of the world may differ tremendously from that person’s perspectives. Even our soul mates can have opposite viewpoints from our own. In most communications, we become so eager to have our say that we can only focus on what our own point of view is and we rush ahead without any validation of the other person in the dialogue.

So many communications repeatedly turn into nonproductive duels. Remembering to start your communication with a validation of the other person will dramatically improve all of your interactions and will significantly enhance the way you feel about yourself and how others see you.

What quickly becomes clear is that sincere and authentic validation and acknowledgement require giving focused attention to what the other person is expressing. The basic key to successful validation is listening.

It’s impossible to validate someone sincerely and specifically without listening attentively to what that person is saying. You can’t simply start your response with a throw-away standard comment like “Yeah, I hear you.” or “I understand what you’re saying.” You must show how well you’ve been listening and respond in a way that specifically and genuinely shows that you’ve really heard.

Some good examples of VALIDATION statements are:

“It’s very clear how much you want to... (be specific)”

“I can see how important it is to you to...(be specific)”

“I know that your views about ...(be specific) are...(be specific)”

“I recognize your perspectives about…(be specific) are …(be specific)”

“I certainly respect that you want to...(be specific)”

And no matter how differently you see the situation, it’s critical to omit the word “but” as you make the transition from your validation to your viewpoint. “But” is a word that can negate whatever preceded it:

“I know you want to go to the beach but I want to go to the mountains.
“I know you want to go to the beach and I want to go to the mountains.”

“I know it’s important to you to meet on Tuesdays but I prefer Thursdays.”
“I know it’s important to you to meet on Tuesdays. I prefer Thursdays.”

Eliminating one small word can change the dynamic from competitive and combative to a communication that is two-way and open.

If you can experience listening as if you’re shining a spotlight on the other person and then focus on describing what’s in the spotlight, you will be able to validate people naturally. You will be concentrating on what the other person is saying and can then add strength to your own side of the situation by having first made the other person’s position as meaningful as your own. Demonstrating mutual respect, refraining from being self-centered, and strengthening your own position by acknowledging other views are critical elements of listening.

When you show the other person that you’re listening, you give that person the ability to listen to you without confrontation or defensiveness. By turning the spotlight away from yourself and on the other person, you also give your beliefs a platform to be acknowledged and appreciated reciprocally. When you mirror back to people what they’ve been saying to you, they feel heard and respected. The beauty of validation is that it reinforces the other person without requiring you to buy into a premise, grant a request or provide solutions.

One of my closest friends since childhood has eight sons. It’s amazing to have been in their home many times over the years and never have heard one disrespectful word from these boys to their mother. There’s a simple reason for this. She always talks to them on her own level.  She also always validates them, respectfully, when she asserts her authority.

She has authority and they respect her. I’ve heard her refuse to allow them to do what they want to do. I’ve heard her tell them that she can’t give them what they’re asking her for. I’ve even asked her if the behavior I’ve seen over the years is for my benefit and when I’m not in the house if there’s a totally different interaction between her sons and her. She’s confirmed that what I’ve observed is the way it’s always been in her home.

Next week, I want to write about what you don't say rather than about what you say.

Happy Columbus Day weekend!

Until next Friday,
The Wordsmith

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