Speak Easy Note #46 - Phrases to Avoid

It's astonishing how frequently we use familiar phrases that are the opposite of our intended meaning or are completely unrelated to what we actually want to express. Since these phrases are so commonly used, we continue to say them with very little awareness of their potentially less than desirable impact and without recognizing that it would be appreciably better to eliminate them altogether or choose words instead that are much more direct and closely aligned with what we actually want to say.

Here's a list of five frequently used phrases to eliminate from your communication repertoire, accompanied by suggested choices to say in place of them:

1.
I don’t blame you for …
I definitely understand your choice to …

How interesting that we introduce blame when we wish to express understanding and alignment.

2.
To be honest, I …
I …

Whenever people feel a need to proclaim honesty prior to making a statement or expressing a viewpoint, it sets the stage for others to wonder if they've been other than honest prior to their declaration of honesty.

3.
Do you mind xxxx ...
I would appreciate it if you xxxx …. (or) Would you please xxx …

If our request is legitimate, then what's the purpose of asking someone if they “mind” doing something? If we really want to know what a person’s reaction is to our request, it would be better to ask, “How do you feel about doing xxx?”

4.
I would be willing …
I am comfortable … (or) I’m on board with … (or) I agree to

It's best to omit “willing” from your agreement unless you want to convey that you're doing something that's basically out of your best interests or far from your desire.

5.
No problem …
Sure … (or) Absolutely … (or) Of course … (or) I would be delighted to …

As acceptable as this expression is and as clear an understanding of it that everyone has, “No problem” is comprised of two negative words, one of which introduces a problematic premise to your reply.


Until next time,
The Wordsmith
Author of
SPEAK EASY - The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success

Speak Easy Note # 45 - Pitfalls of Email

People frequently ask me to write about email communication and the pitfalls that we often create or fall into through email misuse. So let’s first revisit the “Top Ten Email Rules at Work” that I posted on August 7th, 2010 and then expand on #7:

#10. Start your email with the person’s name followed by a comma. “Dear” is not necessary. End all of your emails with a closure. It can be simply your name or just your initial(s) or it can be something like “Regards,” followed by your name. Just make sure you’ve indicated an end to your email.

#9. Keep your emails as courteous, concise and focused as possible. Make sure you include personal concern and brief friendly content in your email communications just as you would if you were speaking directly to a business associate, colleague or client. Respond to email promptly.

#8. Keep your business email professional. Use complete sentences, correct spelling and proper language for business email. Avoid using your business email to receive or distribute dirty jokes or X-rated photos. Once you hit “send” your email is out there and can come back to haunt you at a later time.

#7. People often attribute unintended tone and attitude to email communications. Monitor your email carefully and communicate directly with people to avoid the possibility of misinterpretation.

#6. Make sure that you’re not using email to avoid a face-to-face or direct communication with someone. Conflict avoidance often escalates a situation or can bite you on the backside down the road.

#5. Remember that anything you send via email can be forwarded to others without your control. Ask yourself before you send it if you’re comfortable with the potential of your email being forwarded.

#4. Be highly selective when choosing to copy others on a business email. When appropriate, use the blind cc feature to protect people’s privacy and to avoid exposing people’s email addresses when you are sending email to multiple recipients. If you’re sharing the contributions of others or helping others to get recognition, copying key people is a positive action. It’s bad practice to use email to expose someone who has made a mistake, whom you don’t like, or who you think is stupid.

#3. Use email when you need to communicate written dated proof of factual information; otherwise
communicate all other necessary negative feedback or views through personal verbal spoken communication.

#2. Never send email in the middle of an emotional reaction. Give yourself at least overnight to calm down before firing off an email response about something or someone that has upset you.

#1. The company you work for owns your email account and all of its contents. Make sure you’re aware of this and that everything you send and receive through your work email account would be appropriate for your boss to read.

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#7. People often attribute unintended tone and attitude to email communications. Monitor your email carefully and communicate directly with people to avoid the possibility of misinterpretation.

It’s striking how often I hear my clients attribute negative emotional intent to an email they’ve received, and I can find none of the same emotional intent when I read that email. What’s the reason for the vast difference in interpretation? Certainly when we speak to one another directly, facial expression and voice tone are major contributors to how communication is interpreted and received. The Second Fundamental of Good Communication in SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success states that:

The non-verbal portion of communication exceeds ninety percent of how communication is received.

Since there's actually no tone of voice or facial expression in email, what occurs is the reader creates an imagined tone and interpretation based on past communications between the writer and the reader as well as on the individual values, perceptions and sometimes insecurities of the reader. Email can take readers down paths that are far removed from the intention or goals of the writer. In the workplace, direct communication is often neglected or abandoned altogether even though it's essential for smooth operations, efficient product delivery, leadership influence, strong project management, and especially superior customer relations. As we become more and more dependent on text and email, we get farther and farther from two-way mutually respectful dialog where there is better opportunity to build rapport, verify intent, answer questions and ensure understanding.

Here are alternative options to avoid these pitfalls of email communication:

1. Get up from your desk and walk down the hall to someone’s office or work station to have a direct conversation.

2. Pick up the phone to speak directly or leave a voicemail message, asking for a return phone call.

3. Write an email with a brief topic description, requesting a return call or face-to-face meeting to  discuss something important.

Until next time,
The Wordsmith

Speak Easy Note # 44 - Communication Resolutions 2011

For my final post of 2010, I had planned to create a Top Ten Communication 2011 New Year's Resolution List.  It struck me that these could be selected from the Speak Easy Rules at the end of each chapter in SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success.  Then it struck me that an even better way to end the year would be to include all of the Rules from each of the thirteen chapters, so here they are:


Speak Easy Rules – Chapter Summaries


1 Keep It Level

> Experience a level playing field of communication.

> Be aware of how facial expressions say more than words.

> Monitor your voice tone to diminish dual messages.

> Express your reactions directly without apology.

> Focus on demonstrating respect in every communication.

2 Tell Them That You Really Heard

> Acknowledge what others are saying.

> Validate others’ positions before promoting your own.

> Concentrate on listening without jumping to your views.

> Realize you can validate others without agreeing with them.

> Separate high standards from disapproval and judgment.

3 There’s A Good Way To Say Everything

> Select direct ways to communicate.

> Realize that people appreciate hearing the truth.

> Recognize that there is no need to embellish or distort.

> Resolve to be comfortable talking about difficult topics.

> Use simpler descriptions and realize that less is more.

4 Replacing Deadly Habits

> Avoid passive or victimized language.

> Express yourself in the affirmative.

> Choose neutral rather than negatively-charged words.

> Recognize the pitfalls of giving people advice.

> Eliminate hackneyed ways of communicating.

5 Be Your Own Best Friend

> Get your sense of well-being from yourself.

> Disempower abusive communicators.

> Focus on what you have rather than on what is missing.

> Value the gains you receive from loss.

> Build strong systems of support. 


6 Every Style Can Be Successful

> Appreciate what distinguishes you from other people.

> Believe there are many good approaches to all situations.

> Leverage your preferred style.

> See value in expanding your communication repertoire.

> Broaden your horizons to include wider views.

7 Armor For Abuse

> Dissolve people’s power to hurt you with their words.

> Recognize when silence would be the best response.

> Thank people, without defensiveness, for being open.

> Take care of your internal emotional trigger points.

> Refrain from measuring yourself harshly against others.

8 Refusing The Right Way

> Remain at ease when people make difficult requests.

> Validate people’s right to ask for what they want.

> Match your responses with what you can really deliver.

> Be clear when your intention is to refuse completely.

> Think through your response before you say yes.

9 Expanding Your “Who You Know” Quotient

> See NETWORKING as research and relationship building.

> Include solutions when discussing your challenges.

> Believe you have or can access the right contacts.

> Share what you know when you ask important questions.

> View NETWORKING as more than spreading your name.

10 Working It At Work

> Recognize how important positive communication is.

> Give 100% to being well-prepared.

> Speak with focus and direction.

> Base your communication on affirmative premises.

> Describe your strengths and actions in consistent terms.

11 Getting What You Want

> Think of negotiating as reaching agreement.

> Offer various options to get the results you want.

> Target what you say to your advantage.

> Define your objectives before engaging in negotiations.

> Recognize the value of patience and staying power.

12 Facing An Audience

> Challenge your belief system about public speaking.

> Realize how easy it is to talk about what you know well.

> See that stage fright enhances performance.

> Use true stories to illustrate your presentation points.

> Recognize how enthusiasm engages an audience.

13 Summing It All Up – Communication, Key To The Good Life

> Know that excellence in communication enriches life.

> Value what it takes to change communication patterns.

> See how universal basic human communication is.

> Take responsibility for what you say and how you say it.

> Be patient and determined with your communication goals.

Happy New Year!


Until 2011,
The Wordsmith

Speak Easy Note #43 - On Being Present

From time to time, I receive a personal communication that feels significant and universal, and I decide to incorporate and fictionalize it into my blog posting:

A friend wrote:

“ ... It is the building up of things. It is that the dog is very ill and probably dying, and that my wife was so upset on the phone, and that I did not come home and kept working ... as I do when things are bad. By the time I got home tonight my wife was in bed asleep, as I knew she would be.

And the years flash by and will soon be gone altogether. And everything feels like a challenge. I spent most of the afternoon on something that I used to be able to accomplish in half an hour, and ended up with an unsatisfactory result.


My children do not have easy lives. There are no easy lives. The least I can do is to be there for them, to watch and to listen and to bear witness to their struggles with life. Which I know is important to them. But I am not there. And what I set out to do today and did not do at all was to reset my priorities. To see my oldest son who has opened a new business. And to see more of my other children.  I have wisdom for them but I am not there. And, instead, an unsatisfactory day wasted on an unsatisfactory task that would have been better not to bother about at all, let alone be there instead of being with my wife who really needed me. And to think I told a former colleague the other day that, yes, I would be happy to take on a new design project for a couple of days a week for a year or two. Why did I agree to this!  And there is no comfort anywhere.


At the very moment I was writing this last thought, I received an amusing email from my middle son and replied to it humorously. For some reason, he and I find humor where others don't.  Since he was a tiny boy, we stand there sometimes, tears streaming down our faces, helpless with laughter. And no-one else understands why we are laughing.


So comfort is there after all ...”

My response:

Being present. All too troubling to consider, as I leave my elderly mother in Virginia, to return to New York after a ten-day visit. The range of emotions is vast.  I can identify with you and feel how you are grappling with this. Chastising yourself though is hardly the point.  It is a struggle being there for everyone. It has to start with being there for you, yourself, first. And the rest will follow. After all, in the end, for each of us and for every single moment we live and breathe, there IS only you, alone. The best part of life is being truly present for each moment and being there to support and share with others. Each "engagement" with those we love - and often, even with total strangers - is what makes life full of wonder. And yet, we are always separate and apart and can only be fully present for ourselves. Those who sacrifice their own lives for others can often be seeking what they cannot find in themselves.

Remain wholly present in life and contribute as much to the world and to your children as you can. Laughter till the tears run is just one way of being present and connected. Those moments remain within us, keeping us present for others when we are far apart and, alas, ever SEPARATE.


"Presence is more than just being there."
Malcolm S. Forbes

Until the next time,
The Wordsmith
Author of
SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success

Speak Easy Note #42 - Acceptance and Appreciation

As we approach the end of November, I want to offer words of Thanksgiving. The past two years have been full of challenge for so many people. Financial difficulties have been enormous and unemployment has been at record highs. It's hard to be thankful when the pressures are extreme and when there's such a strong sense of precariousness throughout our world.


I often write about perspective and its important contribution to how we experience challenge and difficulty and to what we can do to overcome them.

Acceptance and Appreciation are the keys to

> adjusting our perspective to one that is healthy and productive,

> facing the reality of our challenges,

> recognizing the abundance that exists around us,

> finding realistic solutions for demanding situations, and

> focusing on what we have rather than what is missing.

Acceptance is taking in all that is rather than focusing on all that isn’t. Acceptance is quite different from settling, acquiescing, or giving up. Acceptance means  letting go of perfection and other impossible unrealistic fantasies and taking in and seeing all that exists.

When I think of Acceptance, I’m reminded of Gilda Radner who told us, “It’s Always Something”

Appreciation goes beyond Acceptance and encompasses simple, basic, and true thankfulness for whatever you have. We live in a material world that distorts value and creates a consumer mentality. Children are growing up with so many possessions and toys that it becomes more and more difficult for them to ever comprehend that “The best things in life are free.” There really is no price or way to purchase the richest and best parts of life, like health, love, and friendship.

Appreciation brings to mind the wise saying:

“I cried because I had no shoes until I saw a person who had no feet.”

Here is a wonderful Charles Dickens quote about Appreciation:

“Reflect upon your present blessings - of which every man has many - not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.”

ACCEPT what is. APPRECIATE what you have.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Until next time,
The Wordsmith
Author of
SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success



Speak Easy Note #41 - Pearls of Wisdom

Being a proponent of positive attitude and of the value of seeing the glass from the full perspective, I offer these non-delusional pearls of realistic wisdom for this week’s blog posting.

First, here are two excerpts from
SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success:


Whenever you determine that something won’t work or isn’t working, make sure you find a way to convey, “This is exactly what we need to do to make this successful.” Rather than describe what’s wrong, it’s always better to focus on communicating the solutions to fix the situation. When you challenge yourself to be a person that sees the world from a positive perspective and to focus on what is rather than on what isn’t, you will find that you will gain respect from others and draw them to you. You will also be building a reputation as a person who finds ways to get things accomplished rather than as a person who tears everything down through doubt and criticism.

Negativity can be quite subtle. Even the most positive sentiments can have a negative underbelly:

> “No problem!” is a positive expression comprised of two negative words.

> Saying, “I’ve no objection to…” is very different from saying, “I think that’s a good way to…”

> Stating, “I can’t disagree with you about…” has quite a different impact from saying, “I certainly agree with you that…”

... and ...

Bella, a Marketing Director who had abruptly and unexpectedly lost her senior position in a technology company at age forty-five, described to me the value she’d gained from learning how to reposition what she wanted to convey to people. She described how much easier it had become for her to initiate difficult communications and how differently she felt about herself as a result of these enhanced techniques:



“It’s not whether my mood is up or down, it’s the fact that my choice of language or vocabulary greatly influences how the person I’m speaking to perceives me, hears my message, and understands the events I am describing. It’s about selecting appropriate language for that forward-moving spirit that I want to convey. This is not to ignore the fact that there’s something that is painful or difficult, but to have a set of language to use for the outside world that works for me. It’s how we all survive!”



How we communicate can make a tremendous difference on perceptions and outcomes and can be quite different from any difficult emotions or underlying beliefs we may have.

 Here’s a link that provides a REALISTIC perspective on positive thinking:

http://www.wimp.com/positivethinking/

Until next time,
The Wordsmith
Author of
SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success



Speak Easy Note #40 - To Speak or Not to Speak - Criticizing the Boss

Dear Wordsmith,

I need your advice on how to handle a performance review meeting that is on my calendar next week. I have worked for a large non-profit organization for twenty-five years. We had a major expansion of our facilities three years ago when a new Executive Director was hired. She brought three additional senior executives with her and over these last three years, I have watched my co-workers become totally disgruntled and dissatisfied. Two people have actually had mental health breakdowns because of work overload and extreme stress. This was a place where people loved to come to work and it’s now a place that is completely demoralized. Of course, in this economy with unemployment at such a high level, people are afraid to speak up, take action or quit their jobs. I am a mid-level manager and report directly to one of the new Deputy Directors who I realize has very little choice about how to maneuver in his job because he was brought in by the new Executive Director and is under her tight rule and control. It’s hard to sympathize with him though and quite frankly, everybody hates him, including me.

One of my peers told me that this Deputy Director has been asking for feedback from Managers about his own performance during their reviews. I am planning on retiring at the end of the summer and don’t want to make waves or be the one who takes a position or speaks out. On-the-other-hand, I care about the well-being of my co-workers a great deal and would like to at least express my views before I leave. I have been a dedicated and loyal employee here for so many years. It’s really troubling to witness the transformation of this workplace. What do you think is the right way for me to handle this meeting next week if I am asked for feedback?

Signed,
Fed-up and Burned-Out

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Fed-Up and Burned-Out,

How upsetting it must be for you to have worked somewhere for so long and see the kinds of changes there that you described. No matter what you decide to say next week in your performance review meeting, it’s good that you could get this off of your chest by writing about it here. That certainly doesn’t solve your dilemma and yet it’s very helpful to be able to communicate to an objective professional third party what you’re experiencing and how you’re feeling about such difficult circumstances.

I can’t tell you whether to say anything in the meeting next week. It really has to be your decision and it’s clearly a hard one for you to make. You say that you “don’t want to make waves or be the one who takes a position or speaks out.” You simultaneously say that you “would like to at least express [your] views before [you] leave.” It’s unsettling to have strong feelings that are the complete opposite from one another. Even though you’re the only one who can decide what’s right for you to say next week, I can give you key guidelines about the optimum way to communicate your observations and views, if you do decide to express them.

 Instead of identifying what’s wrong or find fault, you can describe what’s missing and what would have a huge positive impact on the workplace if adapted or implemented.

For example: “Here’s what I see as ways to achieve the success you’re looking for …”

 Select neutral rather than inflammatory language.

Rather than: “This is a problem that requires conflict resolution.
Choose instead: “This is an opportunity that requires new approaches and enhancement.”

 Express your comments using affirmative language formation without saying “not”.

Avoid: “That’s not a good way to talk to people.”
Better: “A good way to talk to people is …”

 Omit “you” from your feedback so that it is situational rather than personally attacking.

Avoid: “You don’t give people the information they need to do their jobs.”
Better: “People feel that the information they need to do their jobs is missing.

By using language that is neutral and voice tone that is level and respectful, it’s possible to convey criticism and difficult feedback in a constructive and beneficial manner.

Until next time,
The Wordsmith
Author of
SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success