Speak Easy Note #32 - Managing Unexpected Feelings

Dear Wordsmith,


I have had a sudden unexpected reaction to an unfolding complicated family situation. My daughter has recently given birth to a precious baby son. I have been divorced from her father for over twenty years; he has been re-married for less than a year. Even though my daughter, her husband and the new baby live in the same town as my former husband and his new wife, our daughter wants to have the christening and a party here next spring in Maryland where she and her husband grew up and where many close friends and most of the extended family live. There will be a church christening and I would like for the party afterward to be in my home. I live in a renovated carriage house that is a wonderful space for large parties. I decided that I would like to ask my former husband and his new wife to host this party with me. My daughter is very happy about this. My daughter’s husband’s parents are no longer living.

I realize that this is a delicate situation since the second wife and I have never spoken to each other nor had any contact whatsoever. My daughter and I asked my former husband to discuss this possibility with his wife and she was surprisingly receptive. What never crossed my mind was that his wife would immediately begin to start planning and making arrangements for this party without my participation or involvement. I find myself full of strong reactions and unanticipated emotions. Please help me figure out how to communicate what I want to say and what I actually want to do about this. I would not want a party in my own home for the new baby to be planned and hosted by my former husband and his wife without having an equal footing. Thanks for giving thought to my situation and to providing ways for me to handle all of this. I realize that this is going to be very emotional no matter which decisions we make.

Emotionally Surprised Former Wife

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Surprised,

What a complex and layered situation. Let's see if we can examine some of these layers individually so that you can weigh what you want to say and do. My goal will be to provide objective perspective to what you have described. The key, of course, will be managing these unexpected and completely natural emotions through direct, open and authentic communication choices.

The good news is you have time to make adjustments in the interactions between you and wife #2 and to create mutually comfortable adaptations in how this event will be planned and orchestrated - and where it will take place.

I'd like to address the concept of “equal footing” with you. There really is no equal footing here. She is married to your former husband. You are not. You are the natural mother of the daughter. She is not. The party will take place in your home and your community, not hers, not theirs. So, you see, the most basic components that make up the foundation for this event are without equality or equal footing – as is almost everything in life. The ways in which we feel diminished by others or left out of certain equations can be particularly strong when it comes to family events in families where there is divorce. These are the times when we must come face-to face with our own sense of self-worth, with our comfort with who we are, and with our acceptance of our life choices. The stronger you feel about yourself and the stronger your relationship is with your daughter, the more easily you will be able to find acceptance in the dynamics and needs of the second wife, tolerance for the unfolding of the planning process and ease in communicating what you want to say.

As life’s milestones occur - marriages, births, special achievements, illnesses, deaths - there will be a variety of times when your path will cross with wife #2. If there is a way for you to find common ground for cordiality and for being together in a comfortable way, it would certainly be preferable to the zero-contact arrangement you have had up until now. What better time than planning a family celebration to forge a new dynamic. Opening the doors of communication to plan a party will be a worthy ambition.

The first step is to share the reactions you have had. It is important to feel legitimate about your feelings and express them without ultimatums like, “I won’t allow a party in my home if I’m not equally hosting and planning it.” Rather, by simply stating that you have had some unexpected reactions, you are starting the necessary communications to get to a new and better place. Without demands, you can state that it is important to you to contribute in a meaningful way to the planning and hosting of the party and you want to find the path to make that feel right for everyone.

If there were a simple way for you and wife #2 to be together with others present such as your former husband, your daughter and/or her husband, as an initial way to share time and begin conversation, this would be wonderful. If you could put a few ideas together that feel comfortable to you such as, “I would like to provide the flowers for this party.” “I would like to have my name included in the invitation.” “Here’s what is very important to me for the party to be in my home: …” One of the most important elements of these conversations will be to listen and then validate and acknowledge what she is saying. Letting her know you have heard what is important to her is very different from saying that you agree with her or that you are agreeing to do what she wants. And, of course, it is very important to make sure that the word, “but” does not follow those acknowledgments. “Let’s keep talking so that we can make this happen!” is the communication approach for these conversations.

Of course, there may be another element altogether. If either you are or she is unwilling or unable to “engage” with each other because of control issues, unmanageable emotions or lack of emotional stability altogether, then there may be little hope for a good outcome. If you see that you cannot come together to talk about and plan this event, the likelihood of a jointly hosted party may be nonexistent. And so you may want to make other decisions about the party’s location and/or who will be hosting it.

The opening three chapters of  SEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success  will be very helpful to you in bolstering your communications for this challenging timeframe and situation. Chapter 11, “Getting What You Want” may be particularly helpful as well.

Until next time,
The Wordsmith

Speak Easy Note #31 - The Trouble With Email

Dear Wordsmith,

I need your help. A good friend of mine is in declining health. She really can’t live alone anymore but she’s having a hard time facing that truth. She pretty much needs care round the clock and independent living is no longer an option. Her two sisters and one brother live in three different locations, each several hundred miles away. She has lived alone up until now and owns her home. The house is in severe disrepair because of her declining health and is basically under water because of the current real estate market and downturned economy. In addition to being her only remaining long-term friend, I have held Power of Attorney for her for several years and have always advised her in any way that I can, including assisting her to get services and disability support. Her family members have started to direct the situation from afar and want me to do all of the grunt work behind the scenes while they make sure the will and insurance are lined up well for each of them. They have all been extremely rude to me, with one of the sisters issuing instructions and proclamations via email. I have had it with her judgment, verbal abuse and disrespect. Because of her family, I recently decided that I can no longer hold Power of Attorney for my friend and I’ve stopped responding to the sister’s attacking emails altogether. The sister had wanted me to participate in a meeting they had scheduled with an attorney even though I’m sure they are well-aware that my views are radically different from all three of the siblings. I had no intention of attending that meeting and I let her know via email reply that the timing was wrong for me and I would not be able to attend. The response I got back from her attacking me for not being able to make time for the meeting was the last straw. There must be a better way to handle all of this but I feel unprepared and extremely uncomfortable about any further communication with these demanding and rude people.

Fed-Up Friend

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Dear Fed-Up,

Your reaction to the rude communication of your friend’s sister is easily understandable. Your choice to avoid communication with this sister altogether is certainly one way of sending a message. There are some important ingredients that seem to be missing from your responses that may make a desired difference in this quite difficult communication challenge. It feels like the number one concern that you would want as your highest priority is your sick friend’s well- being and that the awful behavior of her family may be keeping that priority from staying in the number one position where you would want it to be. Also, since there are legal and financial issues involved here, it is especially tricky. You have already made a good decision to resolve one of those. Removing yourself from being Power of Attorney eliminates a good number of potential complications. As long as you are confident that your friend is being well-protected and well-taken care of without your having Power of Attorney for her, then your choice is a good one.

If you decide that you want to communicate further with the sister, I would recommend having direct communications by phone or in person if she is in town. It is possible that the sister will be equally rude and offensive via telephone or in person. The potential for this is low. People choose to be rude in writing in ways they would never be in a direct communication. Sometimes this is purposeful. Often it is not. People can be unaware of the impact of their style of writing. They become used to writing in a cryptic manner to manage their time. Additionally, email is often interpreted in ways that are extremely different from the writer’s intentions which is also true in verbal spoken communication. In email this can be exaggerated because there is no tone of voice at all and the reader can hear any tone that matches the reader’s perspective of the writer’s intended message. This can contribute to an escalation of negative communication interpretation on both sides.

Apart from rude and abusive communication which is never appropriate, desirable or warranted, there are still ways you may have contributed to the evolution of these communications. You say, “even though I’m sure they are well-aware that my views are radically different” (which is an assumption) without indicating that you stated clearly and specifically to the sister that out of respect you chose not to attend the meeting because you know how different your views are from theirs and you did not want either to refrain from expressing those views in the meeting or add to the difficulty of making decisions by expressing views that were so different from theirs. When you indicated that you would be unable to attend at that time, you actually opened the door for criticism and for attack. Whether or not the time of the meeting worked for you, you avoided saying clearly that you had decided that it was wrong for you to attend the meeting altogether and that you would not be there for that reason. The sister’s rudeness may certainly have been just as extreme following these amended communication suggestions but you would have been in a much stronger position and certainly would have been more authentic, communicating in a way that respectfully, directly and clearly stated your truth.

Avoiding communication because it is uncomfortable can weigh heavily over time. Initiating direct and respectful communication that clears the air and gives everyone the chance to speak and be heard can be extremely valuable and satisfying. There are certainly circumstances when it is better to avoid communication with certain individuals at all costs and where the cost/benefit ratio is simply not worth the effort. The fact that you requested help would be an indication that you want to be able to handle this situation or others like it differently. Working with a coach over time may be quite beneficial. It takes time and work to develop new communication skills and it is difficult to be objective about your own communications.

SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success could be very helpful to you, particularly Chapter 8, “Refusing the Right Way”.

Until next time,
The Wordsmith

Speak Easy Note #30 - Saying No to a Major Client

Dear Wordsmith,

Over the last year - and through my introduction, my firm has developed a strong business relationship with a major media corporation, delivering multi-million-dollars in services. I have been the account manager and have overseen all aspects of the delivery of the work with this client. The standard fees of my firm are on the high side and I have worked really hard to give this client a good break on the fee structuring. Because of the size and prominence of the client as well as the large volume of business, my firm has been more than happy to adjust our fees. The problem is that no matter how many times, we make readjustments in the fee structure and renegotiate the pricing for our services, the client comes back and asks for further fee-discounting for our work.

I am beginning to feel like an unprofessional pushover and am also becoming extremely angry at the client with whom I have had a great relationship. I know, too, that we are very close to the bone now and there really is no further discounting possible. Please help me tackle this big challenge. I have never been in a situation quite like this before.

Challenged Marketing Professional

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Challenged,

It sounds like you've bent over backwards to satisfy this customer and because of this your anger is becoming extreme and will continue to strengthen if you are unable to find a way to master this situation gracefully and firmly.

Let’s look at the many facets of this current juncture and see how many excellent communication strategies you can adapt and apply.

First, it’s important to look at the view you have of this situation to see if there are beneficial adjustments you can make in how you're seeing this. Even though you haven’t experienced this type of phenomenon with other clients, this actually is a natural progression of dynamics and behaviors which you have contributed to by already having provided this client with special discounts. If we think of human nature and what occurs when we, as authority figures or parents, give special privileges or rewards to our children, the same type of behavior occurs. Rather than think in terms of "enough” or “simple satisfied appreciation” – a child often will think in terms of “How much more can I get?” or “This works so well, I will try it again.”

It is up to each of us
#1) to adjust our perspective of the request,
#2) monitor the tone and attitude we exhibit when we respond, and
#3) make sure we pleasantly and respectfully clarify exactly what our solid response is to the request being made.

Here are a number of good approaches and communication strategies to select from.

- Always acknowledge what the client wants appreciatively: “I understand and have clearly heard your request for xxxxxxx, xxx and xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx. I recognize how important this is to you.”

- Whatever the request is, think of it as legitimate. That’s very different from feeling like you have to give in or acquiesce. It’s a matter of seeing the request as being what the client wants rather than seeing it as something you are being pressured to provide.

- Outline without attitude or tone all of the discounts and special customer support services you have already provided to date. This can be presented in written form if you like.

- Make sure you omit the word “but” from your response thus disclaiming whatever you’ve acknowledged in any of your prior comments or presentation to the client. The word “and” works very nicely to replace “but” in these types of communications. Or, you can just end one thought with a “period/full stop” and then start the next sentence.

- Look for ways to provide a wide range of customer services that are outside of the fee structure altogether. Example: 24/7 on-call hotline response to phone calls and email.

- Outline and assure the client of additional elements included in the fees that demonstrate how much more your firm is providing that other firms and services don’t or can’t deliver.

- Clarify and present fees and fee-services with pride and without apology.

- Be clear. Be firm. Be respectful. Be pleasant.

In SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success there is much that could be very helpful to you right now. Reading Chapter 8, "Refusing the Right Way" will be especially beneficial.

Until next time,
The Wordsmith

Speak Easy Note #29 - Stop Asking for Permission!

Dear Wordsmith,

I have recently been promoted to a managerial position and am having a very hard time getting the respect and buy-in from the people who work for me. It is so strange because I have worked with these same people for a long time and we have always worked together very smoothly. I would say we are all good friends. We socialize together a lot outside of work. It’s very hard for me to be the boss and I don’t want to lose these great friends of mine. I like my job a lot and want to be a great manager. I know I have to be in charge now and am starting to feel like the worst boss in the world. To make it harder for me, everyone loved our old boss so much and she is still a good friend to everyone in our group, as she was when she was the boss.

I try to be very careful about how I speak to people. I will always say that I need people’s help. I often ask people if they are okay doing whatever assignment I am giving them. I see that I start my requests with things like, “Would you mind doing …” and I realize that I have started to apologize to people all the time whenever I have to ask them to do something. I know I need to readjust what I am saying to everybody, I just don’t know how to do this. Please help!

Worried Boss and Concerned Friend

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Worried and Concerned,

These are such natural communication dynamics that you are describing. It is a big challenge to become the boss of people who have been your peers, especially when you have strong friendships with the people you will be managing. It sounds like your style of communication is the main challenge since jealousy from your teammates about your promotion was not part of the description you shared in you request for help. There can always be some envy when one person gets promoted and others don’t. Usually though, the selection of leaders is based on their ability to lead and the strong belief that others will respect their authority and expertise. It is possible you are the one who is concerned about jealousy since these people have been your friends and equals up till now. Being a good manager is about earning respect and motivating people to do their jobs well. It is not about winning a popularity contest.

So often people become managers without any development or training on how to do that. Asserting authority in an inspirational way and providing a work environment that engenders teamwork and mutual respect is a quite different goal from being a good sales person or developing the best work product possible. If your company provides coaches, mentors or training and development coursework, make sure you take advantage of these. It sounds like your old boss would be a great mentor – and friend – to help you in your new role.

Most of all, I would encourage you to work on making adjustments in your communication. It sounds like the biggest element of that would be based on making sure your communication is direct and level rather than subservient and supplicating. Apologies are for instances when you have made a mistake or done something wrong and are the last type of communication to use when you are in a position of authority and leadership. There are numerous sections of SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success that could be very helpful to you. Here is a selection from SPEAK EASY that is exactly relevant to the description you have given.

Subservience Is For Puppy Dogs

Margaret is the Senior Vice President of Strategic Planning for an international financial services firm. She’s loved by everyone in her firm and always looks for ways to make people’s lives easier and better.

Margaret frequently works longer hours than her colleagues and the people who work for her. She rarely takes all of the vacation she’s entitled to annually. Margaret is seen as indispensable. She’s known for never saying no to anyone’s requests no matter how high or low their position in the organization or in which department they work. She solicits input from others without asserting her views. She asks permission rather than states her goals and desires. She apologizes frequently without having committed offenses.

Everyone adores her sense of humor and good nature. Because of her dedication, loyalty, friendliness and availability to all, it’s difficult to criticize Margaret. Yet, for some reason, Margaret is ill at ease in her workplace. She sees that others often take advantage of her and frequently her super heroic efforts aren’t even appreciated. She feels that she lacks an executive presence. Even though she’s quite happy in her current role and seeks no higher position, she’d still liked to be respected and appreciated on a different level than she senses currently exists. She’d also like to remain as dedicated without feeling frequently so exhausted, and at times being burnt-out.

What’s going on here is simple. Margaret sees herself below others. She always puts her views second even when hers is the voice of authority. Her wonderful qualities that are admired and respected become warped by the fact that she never sees herself as equal or entitled. She’s always trying to gain approval rather than focus on contributing her expertise. She’s reticent to take credit. The most astonishing and positive element of all of this is that Margaret is highly confident and passionate about both her work and her level of expertise. She knows how smart she is and knows how much she has to contribute. She provides us with an excellent representative example of the negative results of subservient communication.

Margaret wants to make changes in how she communicates and how she is being perceived, without giving up her level of dedication to her job and without diminishing her most important goal. Margaret likes to help others most of all.

The first objective is for Margaret to become self-aware, to see that her communication often has the opposite impact from the one she would most like. The second step is for Margaret to gain new ways to communicate in an equal two-way manner that feels authentic to her, to who she is, and to the values she holds dear.

Instead of saying in an unsure tone and self-demeaning manner,

“I don’t know if you might want to try this or not.”

Margaret can say with confidence,

“Here’s what I see as a good solution to this situation.”

Instead of approaching a person who reports directly to her, in a childlike, supplicating way,

“I’m so sorry and feel I have to apologize to you for the technology department who did not run our numbers and complete our report for us. I hope you aren’t upset by my asking you to do this work manually and get the report ready for our meeting tomorrow morning. I’m so sorry that I have to ask you at the last minute. I feel so bad about your being loaded up with extra work today.”

Margaret can make the same request to this person who works for her, in a level, authoritative, mutually respectful tone:

“Since technology didn’t run our numbers for us, I’m asking you to complete the report we need for tomorrow’s meeting manually. This was totally unexpected, so it’s absolutely fine for you to shift your other priorities to make this happen. I appreciate whatever juggling is required to get this done and want you to know that I recognize the need for that. Let me know if this change in your day affects other people and I’ll speak to them about what I’ve requested you to do today. Again, thank you very much for doing this.”

Subtle differences in tone and words can make a big difference in how we feel about ourselves and our work and most of all in the way people perceive us.

Here is the link to a wonderful article, Leadership That Gets Results by Daniel Goleman from The Harvard Business Review, that will also contribute to your leadership style and success as you move forward in this and other leadership roles.

Until next time,

The Wordsmith

SPEAK EASY NOTE # 28 - Resume Magic

Last week I received an emergency request from a new client for resume help. The voicemail I received on Thursday morning went something like this:

“I desperately need help with my resume. I have a job interview at 3:30 PM today and a recruiter has told me that the opening sections of my resume - featuring the previous two years - look very choppy and that I need to reconfigure what I'm giving to people. Based on what the recruiter told me, I have rewritten those sections of my resume and have sent it out to people but I'm thinking it's not really working for me. I know this is very short notice but do you have any time to help me with this before my interview this afternoon so that I can take something better to my meeting?”

The following examples are the BEFORE and AFTER versions of the opening sections of this resume that I worked on for this individual.

(These examples have been totally fictionalized to camouflage the person’s identity.)

EXAMPLE I 
"BEFORE"
ORIGINAL VERSION – Prior to the Wordsmith update

MARTHA ANN WATERBIRD

111 South Ave., Apt. 66A, Big City, USA 30044
mawbirdatgmail.com

(666) 222-8888

Top producing sales associate within investment world, financial services, and beyond. Consistent track record of exceeding sales and performance goals. Successful in sales due to (a) highly effective internal and external relationship management resulting in quality client development, (b) strong sales support and business development  management skills, and (c) ability to close deals based on experience, client needs assessment, and confidence in asking for the order.


Experience

ENTREPRENEURIAL EFFORTS
2009- May 2010
QRS CAPITAL ASSETS January to May 2010
Managing Partner, Broker/Dealer, Sales Director.
Partnered with former US Bank Equity Markets; Brokerage Head to grow Equities Broker/Dealer.
•    Opened key accounts including FireZion, Frellus Capital, Rattleback, Purple Capital, Obabar Capital, Joshua Capital, Ruffage Capital, Slumberland, and BadBoy Capital.
•    Pitched RAM, LMN, X Capital, Third Pet, Pella Ice Capital and Avatar Fund.
•    Planned, negotiated, and implemented new business strategies and recruitment.
•    Grew revenue 500% in 6 months before key investor exited the business.


SIENNA USA, LLC, 2009-2010
Co-Managing Partner.
Created LLC to explore business initiatives in offshore investing and international trade.
•    Wrote and developed business plan and pitched 40+ VC's on developing the business;
•    Consulted to VIP Communications and Big Capital.

EXAMPLE II

"AFTER" 

WORDSMITH REVISION 

MARTHA ANN WATERBIRD

111 South Ave., Apt. 66A, Big City, USA 30044
mawbirdatgmail.com
(666) 222-8888

TOP PRODUCING INVESTMENT FUND / FINANCIAL SERVICES SALES PROFESSIONAL 

Consistent, successful track record of exceeding sales and performance goals through:

• Effective networking, resulting in quality lead-generation

• Strong sales support and relationship management skills

• Ability to close deals based on experience, client needs, and confidence in asking for order.

EXPERIENCE

INVESTMENT FUND RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT 2009-Present

Managing Partner, Broker/Dealer, Sales Director

Develop and leverage investment fund relationships to build/grow business platforms

• Partnered with former US Bank Equity Markets; Brokerage Head to grow Equities Broker/Dealer, for QRS Capital Markets.

• Opened key accounts including FireZion, Frellus Capital, Rattleback, Purple Capital, Obabar Capital, Joshua Capital, Ruffage Capital, Slumberland, and BadBoy Capital.

• Pitched RAM, Buffet, LMN, X Capital, Third Point, Paella Ice Capital and Avatar.

• Planned, negotiated, and implemented new business strategies and personnel recruitment.

• Grew revenue 500% in 6 months before key investor exited business.

• Created LLC, Sienna USA, as co-managing partner to explore business initiatives in offshore investing and international trade.
• Wrote and developed business plan and pitched 40+ VCs on developing business.
• Consulted to VIP Communications and Big Capital.

Note that

1. All of the information is there in the "AFTER" revision without omitting any of the significant content from the BEFORE version of the resume.

2. In the revised version, the opening overview section reads much more tightly with very easy access to the key selling points and service areas of Martha Ann Waterbird.

3. The presentation of the most recent two years has been combined for a unified focused presentation rather than looking like two separate unsuccessful "choppy" work roles over two years of time.

It is great fun and hugely satisfying to be able to transform resumes to reflect people's best selling points  as well as help them develop the language and responses they will need to convey consistency and focus when they are out on job interviews, presenting their resumes. 

Until next time,

The Wordsmith
SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success

SPEAK EASY NOTE #27 - Phone Racing with the Boss

Situation Synopsis / Communication Challenge


Wordsmith,

My problem is speaking to my boss via the telephone. I find that it's hard to get a word in during a conversation, yet if I'm not quick to respond to a question, he gets annoyed. I find myself very often talking over him which is annoying to me and to him, I'm sure. Sometimes I'm so frustrated after a conversation I want to scream! He can be very rushed at times as he is usually very busy and short on time.

Signed,
Frustrated at Work

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Frustrated,

This is a situation that can be managed over time, using a variety of strategies.

Let’s start with your reactions during and following these phone calls. It is likely that the relationship with your boss has many more elements to it that are frustrating to you than just these rushed phone conversations. If you had ample regular access to your boss and strong open communication with him other than these hurried telephone calls, then it would be unlikely for them to bother you as much as they do.

Always keep this at the top of your consciousness:

“You are the only person you can change.” You have no way to change or control what others do. By changing what you think and how you see situations, you can adjust your own perspectives and communications, and thus increase the potential to have the influence you desire on what others say and do.

So the most important step you can take is to make a commitment to yourself to replace your frustration with acceptance and humor by reminding yourself that, “Yep, that’s the way he always communicates on the phone when he’s busy and rushed.” “I knew that was coming.” “He sure is consistent.” “No surprises here!” “Oops, there it is … again!” These simple reminders can give you an inner chuckle and a sense of soothing tolerance that will set the stage for your heart rate to calm considerably and for your strong emotional response to diminish and even disappear. Your number-one goal is to reduce/eliminate your negative and, yes, legitimate emotional response to your boss’s behavior. If you can start here and accomplish this new perspective, you will have gained such a wonderful new advantage, no matter what he says or how you respond in these conversations.

Accomplishing this new perspective is the first challenge. Once you have been able to integrate and truly internalize this genuine adjustment, there are a number of strategies and communications that have the possibility to create a new dynamic in your workplace. I will provide a range of recommendations for your perusal, selection and adaptation. Remember though that what works well with healthy well-balanced individuals may not work at all with people facing huge pressures or who have mental health challenges. The Surgeon General’s office reports that, “The current prevalence estimate is that about 20 percent of the U.S. population are affected by mental disorders during a given year.” http://www.surgeongeneral.gov/library/mentalhealth/chapter2/sec2_1.html

This means that one in five people in our lives has some type of mental health obstacle. This is just one more factor that is an important consideration in the choices we make in how to approach and communicate with people. And, of course, since this is your boss, that hierarchical element will also be a factor in how politically advisable any of the suggested approaches may be.

With these caveats in mind, I offer you the following communication options for your consideration and adaptation:

“Sam, I hear how important xxxxxx is to you. Right now, here is what I can tell you about xxxxxx. I will follow up on this and get back to you (right away, by the end of the week, or …) with more details.”

“This sounds like something you want to know immediately/urgently. Here is the current best answer I can provide. We will need to do x, y, and z to gain the bigger picture that is required.”

“Sam, I would like to give you a thoughtful and thorough response to your request and can do this if I have your attention while I describe the key elements of xxxxxx.”

“I have listened carefully and understand quite well the demands on your time as well as those required for this project. I would like to make sure we have an open meaningful ongoing regular two-way dialogue about m, n, o, and p to avoid the frustration we both experience when we talk about …. ”

“When I hear this amount of concern and pressure, it is difficult to be as responsive as I would like to be.”

“Sam, I would like to get on your calendar for a face-to-face meeting so we can look at how to make sure our communications with each other are as effective and beneficial as possible. I have some requests I would like to make and some observations I would like to share with you relating to our communications.”

“Thanks for making time to sit down together and meet with me today; I know how busy you are and how much demand there is on your time. I have prepared a list of topics I want to discuss with you. My goal is to make sure I am doing everything possible to do my job in the best way I can and to provide you with the information and input you need. It is important to me that I describe certain obstacles I see in our communications and certain benefits I recognize we would both gain from adjusting the way we communicate. …”

Sometimes all that is needed is,
“I hear you. You have been very clear about what you want. You have been very clear about how you see this.”

It might be beneficial for you to work with a coach or ask a trusted co-worker or friend to role-play with you how you will present what you want to say to your boss. It is important to keep your communication tone very level and respectful.

Until next time,

The Wordsmith
SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success

Speak Easy Note #26 - New Speak Easy Platform

It has been quite awhile since I have written a blog posting. There were a few reasons for the unanticipated lengthy hiatus:

1. Taking a break could be cleansing and refreshing, clearing a path for new ideas, truth and clarity.

2. A dear friend and colleague suggested that I was sending out too much and too frequent email.

3. I had wanted to introduce a new platform to Speak Easy Notes.

4. I was traveling and technical glitches prevented easy posting to Speak Easy Notes.

And so what I thought would be a couple of weeks off somehow turned into almost three months! Thank you to those readers who let me know they missed my blog postings and that they read them religiously. I have truly appreciated hearing how valuable my communication advice has been to you and your colleagues at work. It means so much to learn that what I have written has touched others in a meaningful and significant way.

What I would like the new platform to be is my responding to individual communication questions from readers related to both professional work situations as well as personal relationship dynamics. I would like for people to send me a brief synopsis (consisting of 100-words or less) describing a situation or circumstance they are experiencing, along with the communication challenge they would like to tackle.

EXAMPLE

Situation synopsis:

My girlfriend’s mother constantly describes in a very judgmental tone to uninvolved people - like a repair person fixing the washing machine - what she would like for my girlfriend, her daughter, to do about something - when her daughter is not present to hear these comments but I am. To me, it seems completely inappropriate for my girlfriend’s mother to be exposing uninvolved people to this information and to her opinions, and to be saying these comments in the hopes I will tell her daughter. It is very difficult for me that she regularly communicates this way.

Communication challenge:

I want to ask my girlfriend’s mother to stop doing this and let her know how much I dislike this type of communication. I want to be respectful of my girlfriend and avoid a confrontation with her mother. What are some good ways to handle this type of communication challenge?

Signed,

Stressed Boyfriend

Response:

Dear Stressed,

First of all, I can hear how uncomfortable you are when you feel that your girlfriend’s mother is discussing private information with strangers concerning your girlfriend, and especially how much it bothers you that the mother is making these comments in front of you without your girlfriend being there to hear for herself what her mother is saying.

Before giving you advice on how to have a communication with the mother, I would ask you first to be 100 % sure that you want to say something about this altogether to her. Sometimes it is better to say nothing in these situations so that you avoid reinforcing and calling attention to the negative situation, feeding right into it and giving it importance by making it “bigger” than it already is. This concept is similar to managing bad behavior in a pet. Often when your dog misbehaves, it is better to ignore him or distract him if possible by giving him a command to “sit and stay” that you can calmly praise him for than to make a big deal out of his annoying barking. Sometimes negative reprimand increases an undesired behavior because there is so much attention given to it. When your girlfriend’s mother says these types of things, if you can internally capture an attitude that encapsulates: “So what!” “Who cares what she says?” “How silly and unimportant this is!” and immediately leave the room as quickly as possible without saying anything, you might be communicating what you want to communicate in the best way possible.

If you decide that you do want to speak to her about this, it is important that you make sure there are just the two of you present for this conversation and that the talk takes place at another point in time shortly following when her public judgmental communication took place. It might go something like,

“Nancy, there is something I wanted to let you know in private. First, I want to tell you that I am respectful of your opinions and your right to express them. (Make sure there is no “but” following that prior statement.) It is also important to me to tell you that I am uncomfortable hearing what you wish Sarah would do about something when she is not there to hear what you are saying. I wanted to let you know how I feel about these types of conversations and how much I would appreciate not hearing these kinds of comments. Thanks for your respect and for listening to what I wanted to tell you.”

It is better to refrain from saying anything about whether you will communicate or have communicated any of this to your girlfriend. Again, by keeping that out of your comments, you actually are communicating that you are not going to be the mother’s message deliverer. If the mother asks you if you are going to tell the daughter anything about this or if you have already shared the conversation you overheard, you can respond respectfully by saying something like, “I wanted this conversation to be about privacy and respect and that is really all I wanted to say right now.”

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I look forward to receiving your communication challenges and selecting from them the ones that best represent communication issues many people face on a daily basis. I may adapt some of the examples and I will certainly camouflage people’s identities so that privacy is respected. Please let me hear from you.

Until next time,

The Wordsmith
SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success