I need your help. A good friend of mine is in declining health. She really can’t live alone anymore but she’s having a hard time facing that truth. She pretty much needs care round the clock and independent living is no longer an option. Her two sisters and one brother live in three different locations, each several hundred miles away. She has lived alone up until now and owns her home. The house is in severe disrepair because of her declining health and is basically under water because of the current real estate market and downturned economy. In addition to being her only remaining long-term friend, I have held Power of Attorney for her for several years and have always advised her in any way that I can, including assisting her to get services and disability support. Her family members have started to direct the situation from afar and want me to do all of the grunt work behind the scenes while they make sure the will and insurance are lined up well for each of them. They have all been extremely rude to me, with one of the sisters issuing instructions and proclamations via email. I have had it with her judgment, verbal abuse and disrespect. Because of her family, I recently decided that I can no longer hold Power of Attorney for my friend and I’ve stopped responding to the sister’s attacking emails altogether. The sister had wanted me to participate in a meeting they had scheduled with an attorney even though I’m sure they are well-aware that my views are radically different from all three of the siblings. I had no intention of attending that meeting and I let her know via email reply that the timing was wrong for me and I would not be able to attend. The response I got back from her attacking me for not being able to make time for the meeting was the last straw. There must be a better way to handle all of this but I feel unprepared and extremely uncomfortable about any further communication with these demanding and rude people.
Fed-Up Friend
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Dear Fed-Up,
Your reaction to the rude communication of your friend’s sister is easily understandable. Your choice to avoid communication with this sister altogether is certainly one way of sending a message. There are some important ingredients that seem to be missing from your responses that may make a desired difference in this quite difficult communication challenge. It feels like the number one concern that you would want as your highest priority is your sick friend’s well- being and that the awful behavior of her family may be keeping that priority from staying in the number one position where you would want it to be. Also, since there are legal and financial issues involved here, it is especially tricky. You have already made a good decision to resolve one of those. Removing yourself from being Power of Attorney eliminates a good number of potential complications. As long as you are confident that your friend is being well-protected and well-taken care of without your having Power of Attorney for her, then your choice is a good one.
If you decide that you want to communicate further with the sister, I would recommend having direct communications by phone or in person if she is in town. It is possible that the sister will be equally rude and offensive via telephone or in person. The potential for this is low. People choose to be rude in writing in ways they would never be in a direct communication. Sometimes this is purposeful. Often it is not. People can be unaware of the impact of their style of writing. They become used to writing in a cryptic manner to manage their time. Additionally, email is often interpreted in ways that are extremely different from the writer’s intentions which is also true in verbal spoken communication. In email this can be exaggerated because there is no tone of voice at all and the reader can hear any tone that matches the reader’s perspective of the writer’s intended message. This can contribute to an escalation of negative communication interpretation on both sides.
Apart from rude and abusive communication which is never appropriate, desirable or warranted, there are still ways you may have contributed to the evolution of these communications. You say, “even though I’m sure they are well-aware that my views are radically different” (which is an assumption) without indicating that you stated clearly and specifically to the sister that out of respect you chose not to attend the meeting because you know how different your views are from theirs and you did not want either to refrain from expressing those views in the meeting or add to the difficulty of making decisions by expressing views that were so different from theirs. When you indicated that you would be unable to attend at that time, you actually opened the door for criticism and for attack. Whether or not the time of the meeting worked for you, you avoided saying clearly that you had decided that it was wrong for you to attend the meeting altogether and that you would not be there for that reason. The sister’s rudeness may certainly have been just as extreme following these amended communication suggestions but you would have been in a much stronger position and certainly would have been more authentic, communicating in a way that respectfully, directly and clearly stated your truth.
Avoiding communication because it is uncomfortable can weigh heavily over time. Initiating direct and respectful communication that clears the air and gives everyone the chance to speak and be heard can be extremely valuable and satisfying. There are certainly circumstances when it is better to avoid communication with certain individuals at all costs and where the cost/benefit ratio is simply not worth the effort. The fact that you requested help would be an indication that you want to be able to handle this situation or others like it differently. Working with a coach over time may be quite beneficial. It takes time and work to develop new communication skills and it is difficult to be objective about your own communications.
SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success could be very helpful to you, particularly Chapter 8, “Refusing the Right Way”.
Until next time,
The Wordsmith
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