Speak Easy Note #15 - T'is the Season to Connect with People

Last week I wrote about support systems. This week as we are deep into the holiday season, it feels timely to talk about another important aspect of relationship-building and relationship management: NETWORKING. During the holidays we traditionally reach out to people we do not stay in touch with at any other time. We send holiday cards to old friends that we haven’t seen for years. The belief is strong that there is little or no hiring taking place during the holidays. Hiring freezes continue to abound and unemployment remains high. All of these elements point to the importance of reaching out to people.


Here are some selected sections of the chapter about networking, Expanding The “Who -You-Know” Quotient from Speak Easy, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success available through Word Craft Press:

Many people think of networking as a primary job search tool. As much as that’s true, it would be foolish to see it in such a limited way. Networking is much more than a critical job search ingredient; it’s one of the key factors that contribute to good career development and successful career management. Moreover, it’s a primary and essential life tool at every level and in every facet of human activity and human endeavor. The exact same networking concepts can be applied in limitless life arenas from recruiting, sales, fundraising, and taskforce development to the pursuit of a life partner or the search for a good electrician or a new school for your children. It’s extremely rare that any person can exist and thrive without networking.

How often have you heard statements similar to these?

  > “It’s not what you know, it’s who you know.”

  > “Networking is the key to finding a___ (job, spouse, plumber, etc.).”

  > “He made it to the top because he’s part of the Old Boys’ network.”

  > “She didn’t make it because she was so busy with her nose to the grindstone that she never paid attention to making connections with the right people.”

We will encounter much more success in all of our endeavors when we recognize the high value of gathering information from real people who’ve traveled the road before us and of building strong and lasting bonds with them.

The word, NETWORKING, is used so freely and widely that its basic meaning has been diluted and it has lost many of its most important nuances and benefits. When career advisors emphasize the importance of networking, they often neglect to teach its subtleties adequately and to fine-tune their clients’ networking communications well. It’s easy to see why many jobseekers think that networking is simply informing as many people as possible that they’re looking for a new job.

Certainly, letting people know you’re looking for a new job is a much better strategy than simply sitting by the phone, waiting to see if someone will call you up to offer you a job. However, if your bottom line is no more than a numbers approach of seeing how many people you can get your resume in front of, the benefits of the fine art of networking will be sadly missed and the process of continuing the endeavor will become stale and unrewarding. After all, how many times can you say to someone, “Here I am again, still looking. Got anything for me?” No wonder people become so disenchanted with networking – both on the asking AND on the receiving end!

Since the term, NETWORKING, is so freely used and so often badly leveraged, I’d like to refer to it in other terms going forward. My definition of this word appeared a few paragraphs back:

The high value of gathering information from real people who have traveled the road before us and of building strong and lasting bonds with them

To alleviate its limited and stereotypical definition, I’m going to rename NETWORKING as R&R: Research and Relationships. The “N” word translates into the R&R formula:

Research and Relationships

=

Gathering Information/Building Connections

It’s also fun and gratifying to refer to an activity like NETWORKING that people find difficult, tiring and demanding as R&R, a known acronym for Rest and Relaxation. How delightful to re-label NETWORKING communications with a symbol of pleasure and satisfaction that people always seek out and appreciate!

Whenever people are energized by the subjects they’re talking about, others are drawn toward these speakers. Without passion for a topic, even if it’s your unanswered quest to find a new job, you will find little enthusiasm from others around you. The trick is to find the elements that you can remain passionate about and make sure they’re at the forefront of your R&R communications.

An unappealing image that often blocks people’s natural agility in and genuine enthusiasm for networking communications is the hat-in-hand beggar needing a handout.  This empty-plate approach to networking is what gives people such an uneasy feeling about it and what takes them so far away from the main concepts of R&R: RESEARCH AND RELATIONSHIPS.

Finding ways to engage others in conversation about your key interests and to demonstrate how knowledgeable you are ensures a much better approach to people and a much higher success rate in obtaining meetings with others. There’s also the added benefit of feeling strong and focused when you’re sitting down with someone to have an important R&R conversation.

So often, people begin a request for a networking meeting with, “I’d just like to pick your brain.” This clichéd phrase inserts a terrible graphic picture into the process and contributes, on both sides of the communication, to the concept of begging or neediness. Picking a brain is what vultures do to dead animal carcasses. Picking a brain is a one-sided approach to a conversation and demonstrates taking from someone rather than contributing to a dialogue. In contrast, if the request for an R&R meeting is to brainstorm ideas together, the stage and tone will be set for an entirely different communication. Brainstorming is a two-sided (or multi-sided) approach to a conversation and demonstrates bringing something to the table to engage in a give-and-take dialogue.

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Next Friday is Christmas day and the following Friday is New Year’s so I will wish all readers health, prosperity and happiness and will write another posting in 2010.

Until then,
The Wordsmith

Speak Easy Note #14 - The Value of Support Systems

There is a circle of support in my life that is astounding.  People I care about deeply are facing life crises and challenges that are huge, painful and overwhelming.  When they turn to me, I am grateful to be there for them.  There are those I know I can turn to when I am facing dilemma and strife.  What would life be like if we did not have each other? 

Bridge Over Troubled Water

by Simon & Garfunkel

When you're weary

Feeling small

When tears are in your eyes

I will dry them all

I'm on your side

When times get rough

And friends just can't be found

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down

When you're down and out

When you're on the street

When evening falls so hard

I will comfort you

I'll take your part

When darkness comes

And pain is all around

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down

The following excerpt from Speak Easy, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success available through Word Craft Press examines the value of support systems:

So often we're much harder on ourselves than others are on us. Rather than beat up on yourself, feed your guilt, or be a martyr; turn to others to gain support and perspective and to have a sounding board for your communications. You will frequently hear people describing their biggest challenges this way, “I could’ve never gotten through this without the help of others.”


Seeking support is better than going it alone. Recognize, though, that when you seek the backing, comfort and counsel of friends, family members and coworkers, you can also be building a case and fueling the fire. It’s clearly beneficial to ask for input from others about the way you’re communicating in challenging situations and to have an ear to listen. In tough times, there’s nothing more valuable than having a support system around you. If you don’t already have people that you turn to, rethink your views and practices, and build a strong support network for the good times and the bad.

Being able to turn to others to share your story or even just to unload can be advantageous and satisfying. Make sure you include people outside of the actual setting or situation to do this with and make sure you’re choosing people that you know you can trust for confidentiality. The benefit is to gain awareness and ease your heavy feelings. If your goal in bringing others into the picture is to vindicate yourself, add fuel to the fire, or defend your position, think carefully about what you’re choosing to say. If the outcome is escalation of an already tense situation or further pressure for you or others, then seeking support will be self-defeating and only add to your challenge.

The best type of support is objective. The less involved the person is with your story, the more able that person will be to listen and respond without bias and concern for personal repercussions. A natural instinct of someone connected to you personally is to come to your defense and to say what you want to hear. Cushions like that feel wonderful to sink into; just make sure there are also those in your support mix that are free from wanting to please you or protect their own self-interests.

There’s a good reason why people choose professional counsel and why professionals, like attorneys and psychologists, remove themselves from situations that can be seen as having conflicts of interest. Give yourself the cushion of support and choose supporters who can listen and respond as objectively as possible. Find people who will give you candid feedback and who can critique your communications and your strategies.

All that being said about objectivity and professional input, never underestimate the value of a good hug. To survive infancy, babies must be stroked and held. The human need for connection is universal. Enrich your life with balance and surround yourself with an array of support cushions. Take initiative, be responsible for yourself, seek input from others and make connections.

Until next week,
The Wordsmith

Speak Easy Note #13 - On Being Thankful

Thanksgiving week has come and gone and with it came reflections on being thankful. The challenges of this past year bring a whole new perspective on feeling grateful and expressing thanks. It seems as if everyone has financial pressures and is looking at how to survive on less or on less than nothing in many cases. Yet somehow the crisis we face has brought out something quite wonderful. There is this sense of we are all in it together somehow. People seem more considerate than ever:
            
             I lost my gloves in the theater last night and a person I did not know went to great lengths to help me find them.

             I dropped my Playbill on the curb while waiting in the rain for the Number 1 bus on Fifth Avenue and a complete stranger picked it up and wiped it on his pants to dry it off and handed it to me.

             Two of my dearest friends volunteered to serve a Thanksgiving meal to the homeless at the Guthrie Center (known at one time as Alice’s Restaurant) at the Old Trinity Church in Great Barrington, MA.

It is good to be appreciative of what you have and it is good to express your thanks.

Here are relevant excerpts from SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success, available for purchase through Word Craft Press:

A good way to manage difficult or challenging communication is to respond with a thank you:

“Thank you for telling me this; it’s important for me to know just how you are experiencing this situation.”

By thanking someone, you

> Indicate that you welcome openness

> Show that you want to increase your awareness

> Demonstrate that you value others’ viewpoints

When we choose to respond like this, it’s best to refrain from adding a disclaimer. If we say thank you to someone and then add, “But that isn’t the way I see it.”, we have erased the thank you and defeated its purpose. It’s wonderful to expand on the positive and share differing perspectives. If the purpose of the “thank you” is to acknowledge without engaging in a debate or doing battle with someone, then END your communication at the thank you, rather than expand it.

We know that over 90% of how we receive communication is non-verbal. Changing the words we use, however, still has the power to change how we feel and how others react to what we say. We will begin to see situations differently when we begin to choose different words to describe them:

“There’s only half a glass left.
“There’s still half a glass left.”

“She never calls me.”
“I’d like to talk to her more often”

“At my age, there are so few options left for me.”
“At my age, I’m so clear about which options I want to select.”

It’s true that in many instances there’s a smaller amount rather than a larger one to express in our communication. Rather than being about how full or empty the glass is, it’s about explaining what there is in the glass to drink. If there’re only three drops of water in the glass, the point is to figure out how to describe quenching your thirst with whatever amount you have. You can’t articulate how to drink the empty part so it’s unproductive to focus on it.

Until next week,
The Wordsmith

Speak Easy Note # 12 - Truth Is Better Than Fiction

It has been a demanding week. My IRS audit was postponed until next week and the IRS examiner asked that I provide photos in addition to the previously submitted floor plans of my personal and business spaces to substantiate the percentage of professional usage I claim on my tax filings.

When I initially received the audit notification, one of the biggest concerns I had was that the IRS would disallow the percentages I had claimed. I thought of many creative ways to position my claim and realized finally that the truth is always the best place to be. When I took the photos of the work and personal spaces yesterday, the pictures showed all that I needed to support my claims. My percentages were exactly right and the TRUTH was the best tactic possible.

It is clear to me that the topic of the week for my blog posting is TRUTH and so I am including this excerpt from SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success:

YOU CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON TRUE NORTH
(Southern charm definitely has its limitations)

The tendency to enhance or withhold the truth is a common occurrence which inevitably undermines optimum communication. In childhood, I was taught the importance of always telling the truth. In contrast, I was also taught the contradictory concept that telling a white lie is okay if it protects someone else’s feelings or advances a certain benign type of self-protection. Growing up in southwestern Virginia, I often observed a style of Southern disingenuous charm that veiled the truth. “Y’all come see us, ya’ hear? (pronounced ‘hee-ah’)” often actually meant, “We don’t really want your type crossing our doorstep.” Embellishing or distorting reality leads to trouble. Just like the children’s story of Pinocchio whose nose would grow every time he told a lie, the effect of avoiding or obscuring the truth will take over and the stage will be set for distortion or misrepresentation. It will become increasingly difficult to remember what you’ve actually said and the truth will become dangerously elusive.

If the truth is your first constant, your goal can then be finding the right and best way to tell the truth. The promise of honesty is a significant one to make to yourself and to others. Never distort. Never misrepresent. Trust the compass of truth in all of your communications.

There are three key elements to remember to ensure the potential of having a direct communication:

1. Always start with the truth.

2. Define and identify what you most want to express.

3. Examine what you say to make sure it feels authentic and in sync with who you are.

If you look at the key elements of what you want to communicate and find neutral language that avoids irritation or aggravation, using a level tone of voice, you will find that telling the truth is easier and better than an elaborate fabrication you invent to make the communication seem more palatable for you and the other person. People will thank you and appreciate hearing the truth, directly, in the right way. Reminding yourself of the equal two-way street of communication and of the importance of validating the other person remains the basic foundation for accomplishing the goal of truth in communication.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.  I may take next Friday off from blogging. 

Until next time,
The Wordsmith

Speak Easy Note #11 - Words of Wisdom: Living an Informed Life

This week I received an email from a dear friend who wrote and questioned:

• “The whole of my life is burnt into these days with my daughter and grandchildren. Everything I have ever done, thought and experienced seems to be concentrated into the moment. I am now waiting for my sense of the rest of my life to come into the moment as well. I think it will. Then the whole of my life will be concentrated into every moment that I live. What is this sensation? Is it aging? Is it just that things long passed are recalled with such frequency and clarity as one gets older? Is it the sense of a life? Is it the getting of wisdom? Is it having learned how to live?”

Many thoughts blended into questions … When I read my friend’s words, I was immediately reminded of the Rilke quote about not searching for answers but living the questions so that one day you will discover that you have lived into the answers:

• ...I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

Rainer Maria Rilke, 1903

in Letters to a Young Poet

With age comes wisdom and acceptance. Most of all though, it is only through age that you can have a certain perspective and wealth of experience that cannot be available to you in the same way earlier in life. This varies from person to person. Some never get there at all or never come to exist on any deeper level of consciousness.

Life will always be full of mystery and unanswered questions no matter how old you are or what your experiences are. And so we come to two golden words:


"ACCEPTANCE"

This above all else: It is about LETTING GO, knowing and accepting what IS and what remains outside of one's control to change.


"CONSCIOUSNESS"

It is about the perspective of valuing what life is in full measure - of having lived an experienced life that informs and provides the KNOWING.



And so I bring you two words this week to savor and to live, rather than providing the mechanical techniques to enhance communication that I frequently share from SPEAK EASY - The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success. It will be through living these two words deeply that communication can reach the highest level of enrichment possible. Communication improvement techniques are wonderful to learn and practice; they can bring much benefit. It is the LETTING GO and living an INFORMED and CONSCIOUS life that matters most of all.

Until next Friday,
The Wordsmith

Speak Easy Note #10 - Avoidance Is Worse Than Confrontation

This week I finally finished reconstructing three years of tax records. It is liberating for all of that to be behind me. I feel a great sense of accomplishment from having created 29 Excel spreadsheets as detailed and pristine financial records for the audit that is taking place later this month. I have begun to tell people that they can call me “Excel Girl”. In preparation for my meeting with the tax attorney tomorrow, I attached these spreadsheet documents to emails and sent them to him. I attached them to three different emails - one for each year. On the last one of these emails, I wrote one comment: “I hope you are impressed!”

As I was doing this grueling tortuous work, I thought frequently of Ann Lamott's wonderful book, Bird By Bird - Some Instructions on Writing and Life. The title comes from a childhood memory Lamott has about a report her brother had to write for a school assignment. The report was about birds and he had brought home many, many books so that he could write his report. The books that he had had for many weeks were piled high in front of him and the deadline was the next day; he had not begun to write his report yet. Overwhelmed with anxiety, without a clue how to tackle this massive assignment, he desperately asked his father for guidance. His father said simply to his son that the only way to get this done was: bird by bird.

It was comforting to remind myself of this touching story and pure advice which I could apply to my gargantuan task, spreadsheet by spreadsheet, receipt by receipt. As much as I hate detail and record-keeping of any type, I found great comfort in bringing order to chaos. I created color codes and other innovative devices to make this very unpleasant task artful and even a bit enjoyable. The biggest lesson was to dig in and face the challenge so that I would be able to look back on and celebrate its completion.

As we look at how these lessons apply to communication, we can see that avoidance is usually worse than confrontation.

Here is an excerpt from Speak Easy, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success that looks at the downside of avoidance in communication:

Avoiding communication or using indirect ways to express what you want to say will prolong the agony of a situation and usually be much worse than the actual conversation you’re dreading so fiercely. How many times have you said to yourself, after finally having the courage to say something that you’ve been agonizing over and avoiding: “That wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be!”? Or even better: “That was so much easier than I thought it would be and I feel so much better having gotten that off of my chest.”? Facing reality and saying what you have to say directly almost always weighs less heavily than avoiding the encounter.

Anticipation quite frequently weighs much more than actuality:

The following relevant vignette opens Speak Easy’s Chapter 3: There’s A Good Way To Say Everything:

Michelle is the Head of Programming for a nationally syndicated radio station based in Northern California.  She also oversees the Traffic, Promotion and Community Affairs departments.

Michelle has a strong work ethic and is dedicated to being the best professional she can be. She’s proud of how well she selects talent. Indeed she has the best hiring record in the station in terms of turnover. It’s rare for someone she’s hired to leave his or her job or be lured away to a competing station.

Michelle interacts with others exactly the way she’d like to be treated by her managers and coworkers. She respects people’s privacy and autonomy. She trusts they will do the right thing and that they will come to her if they have problems. One of her core beliefs is that if you hire the right people, and give them long leashes to do their jobs, the station will run itself. She’s always calm under pressure and believes that everything happens for a reason and that everything will eventually level out, given enough patience and time.

She loves her job, although she often thinks about the old days when she was developing programming concepts and pitching ideas. She’s sometimes baffled by how all of her time now is spent on tedious administrative detail and tiresome management accountability.

Her door is always open. The fact that people rarely come to see her in her office never crosses Michelle’s mind as a concern. She has the “No news is good news”/“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” approach to work and to life.

She’s the mother of two teenage children who describe her style of parenting almost exactly the way her coworkers and subordinates describe her style of management. Her children rarely bring their problems to their mother because they believe she will be disinterested in talking to them or helping them resolve their minor or major dilemmas.

Michelle openly says that she’s conflict-avoidant. She will go 180 degrees in the opposite direction to avoid being part of, observing, or being asked to resolve any type of confrontation or disagreement. She believes that if you turn away from disputes, people will work things out for themselves. She almost never raises her voice or shows her emotions. She has few fluctuations in her even temperament.

When Michelle is one of four executives at the station selected for a 360-degree feedback program, she’s quite pleased. She’s eager to find out what she’s doing well and how she can improve. When she sits down with her coach to review her 360-degree feedback report, she’s rather shocked. It never occurred to her that all of the autonomy she’d given people was seen as disregard and lack of leadership. Michelle is stunned to learn that people see her as inaccessible and unavailable. Even though her door is always open, she sits at her computer facing away from the doorway and everyone thinks she’s engrossed in what she’s doing and doesn’t want anyone to disturb her.

People say that they never bring problems to Michelle because they see her as someone who is uncommunicative and afraid to assert herself. They think she won’t take needed action when there are problems that need resolving. They report that they never come to her with workplace issues or personal difficulties because they think she doesn’t care and won’t do anything to resolve the situation even if she did. What surprises Michelle the most about the feedback is that she learns that her boss thinks she’s not on top of her job and that she’s not keeping him informed at all.

Michelle embraces the coaching support that is provided to her following the 360-degree feedback. She asks the coach to help her be a better communicator and to tackle conflicts head on so she can change the perceptions people have about her. She realizes how valuable it is to initiate conversations and to ensure people she wants to participate in resolving problems. She sees how critical it is to convey what she’s thinking and feeling so people will understand what her views are. She knows that if she communicates what’s important to her and provides people with direction, resolution, decisiveness, and repercussions, she will earn the respect she’d always believed she had and that she merits.

It’s eye-opening to Michelle to learn that without communication and action, her belief system and values will be unknown to others. She’s most appreciative of these new insights when she realizes how applicable they are to her relationships with her children. It’s hard for her to take in what her life would have been like if she’d never come to understand how beneficial it is to be an open and frequent communicator.

She knows that her natural style is to be a silent observer. She now challenges her old belief that this was the way to empower others. She also knows that her fear of confrontation needs to be redefined and reinterpreted to prevent her from slipping back into her old comfort zones of avoidance and isolation. Michelle asks to be able to work with her coach for an extended timeframe so that she can turn her new awareness into consistent communication that’s second nature for her. She knows it will take time, focus, dedication and determination.

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I made up this week for how little I wrote last week.  Let's make next week's topic another surprise!  By the way, Speak Easy was featured in the October Kirkus Discoveries Newsletter. 

Until next Friday,

The Wordsmith

Speak Easy Note #9 - Persistence Pays

Instead of writing about writing as I said I would, I have decided to drop in the link to my radio interview.

Interview about SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success

On the time counter near the end of this interview (from 11:30 to 14:37 on my computer), my answer tells about the inspiration for SPEAK EASY and about the roller coaster ride of the five years I spent writing it. 

PERSISTENCE PAYS!  It is so important to believe in your dreams and to do what it takes to bring them to fruition.

If it weren't for the reality of my continuing IRS preparation for audit saga, I would have written about the journey rather than posted the radio link.  The truth is that it is 5:00 AM on Thursday night/Friday morning.  I have been sorting 2006 expense receipts since 9:30 PM and suddenly realized that I had never written my post for this week.  Exhausted and with a fried brain, I offer you the link and my apologies.  I am without a plan for next week's post so it will be a surprise for you and for me.  I'm going to get some sleep now.

Happy listening!
The Wordsmith