Speak Easy Note #19 - Does Saying It Correctly Really Matter?

Since I introduced the dog topic last week, I got myself in the mood and comfortable with opening the door to address three communication pet peeves of mine. The question though is,

Does it really matter if people use language correctly?

1. Is there any big disadvantage gained from using the personal pronoun “I” when the grammatically correct form to use in a particular sentence is the personal pronoun “me” instead?


INCORRECT USAGE EXAMPLES:
“It is imperative that you get this information to the Vice President and I before the end of this meeting.”
“I hope you will be going with John and I to the big event this week.”

2. Does it even matter if someone says their, they or them when the person who is the antecedent for all of these third-person plural personal pronouns is singular?

INCORRECT USAGE EXAMPLES:
“I will ask the person if they are okay with our giving their seat away."
“One of the students must have left their lunch under the table yesterday.”


3. And, really, who cares if someone splits an infinitive, the form of the verb that begins with “to” (to eat, to sleep, to talk, etc.), by sticking an adverb in the middle of the two-word infinitive? After all, this has definitely become accepted common usage.

INCORRECT USAGE EXAMPLES
"He decided to sloppily finish filling in the form so that at least he could say he had submitted it."
"I’m going to quickly eat my dinner so I can get to the theater before 8:00 PM."



I see that my worshipful attention to good language usage and my desire for people to correct these careless habits may be unnecessary and beyond what many other people think or observe! Writing about these pet peeves reminds me of a wonderful story about Winston Churchill who had a secretary who constantly rewrote and edited many of the sentences he had eloquently written because he had ended some of his sentences with prepositions. He wrote her a note asking her to refrain from changing the sentences that he cared about. (She would have changed the sentence I just wrote to, “He wrote her a note asking her to refrain from changing the sentences about which he cared.”) This is what he wrote to her to let her know that he would not stand for what she was doing to his words: “This is something up with which I will not put?” Churchill on Prepositions

Even though Churchill chose to go against correct usage when it comes to ending sentences and phrases with prepositions, I will agree that Churchill knew exactly what he was talking about. (Please note the preposition at the end of my last sentence.) Sentences sound much better, make more sense and have a better flow when the prepositions at the end of a phrase are left where they fall naturally – even if incorrectly at the end of a sentence.

I will defend my pet peeves, however, and demonstrate the choice of correct usage for each of them. Here’re the reasons why:

1. Even though I have heard well-educated and respected community/political leaders, communication professionals, friends and family all make mistakes like these INCORRECT USAGE EXAMPLES:

“It is imperative that you get this information to the Vice President and I before the end of this meeting.”
“I hope you will be going with John and I to the big event this week.”

I know these same people would never say:

“It is imperative that you get this information to I before the end of this meeting.”
“I hope you will be going with I to the big event this week.”


Instead they would naturally and correctly say:

“It is imperative that you get this information to me before the end of this meeting.”
“I hope you will be going with me to the big event this week.”



And so I will stick with recommending the correct usage which is:

“It is imperative that you get this information to the Vice President and me before the end of this meeting.
“I hope you will be going with John and me to the big event this week.”


Since people know exactly when to say “I” and when to say “me” without the word “and” and without the partnered connection to someone else … “John and me” or “Mary and I” – I am totally baffled about what causes this frequent, blatant and obvious mistake that is so easy to know how to avoid!



2. “THEY” “THEIR” “THEM”:


It is obvious that these words all are plural and would only be used correctly in relation to more than one individual. This is so clear and simple, and easy to defend.



INCORRECT USAGE EXAMPLES:
“I will ask the person if they are okay with our giving their seat away.”
“One of the students must have left their lunch under the table yesterday.”

CORRECT OPTIONS:
“I will ask the person if he or she is okay with our giving his or her seat away.”
“I will ask the person if he is okay with our giving his seat away.”
“I will ask the person if she is okay with our giving her seat away.”
“I will ask the woman if she is okay with our giving her seat away.”
“I will ask the man if he is okay with our giving his seat away.”
(Notice that if the sentence starts with man or woman, we would almost never say "they" or "their" and yet if it starts with "person", we often choose incorrectly the plural pronoun "they" or "their".)

“One of the students must have left his or her lunch under the table yesterday.”
“One of the students must have left her lunch under the table yesterday.”
“One of the students must have left his lunch under the table yesterday.”


3. Lastly - The infamous split infinitive:



INCORRECT USAGE EXAMPLES:
"He decided to sloppily finish filling in the form so that at least he could say he had submitted it."
I’m going to quickly eat my dinner so I can get to the theater before 8:00 PM.

CORRECT USAGE EXAMPLES:
"He decided to finish filling in the form sloppily so that at least he could say he had submitted it."
"I’m going to eat my dinner quickly so I can get to the theater before 8:00 PM."


The most compelling defense for avoiding the split infinitive is to think of the infinitive as a cohesive combined verb unit that is always made up of two words, the first word of the pair always being “to”.


In many spoken languages, the infinitive form of the verb is one word and can never be split for that reason: to eat = manger in French, = comer in Spanish.

I rest my three cases.  This has been my defense for my three pet peeves.

So, I ask you again,

Does it really matter if people use language correctly?

I surely know that in the grand scheme of communication, it cannot matter very much if you always use the correct personal pronoun. What meaningful impact could there possibly be if you use third-person plural pronouns when referring to a single individual? And who really cares if you split a two-word infinitive with an adverb? Really! Who cares?

If only my answers to these rhetorical questions were in line with this indifference and disregard for the importance of correct usage. You can see from my writing here that, indeed, it matters a good deal to me, even though I have not referred at all to any of these three pet peeves in my book,  SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success available through Word Craft Press. There is an elegance to speaking and writing that I care about deeply and so I have shared these with you like Johnny Appleseed who travelled across America planting apple seeds. Who knows? Maybe my planted seeds will be fruitful. Spread the word. Certainly, I feel terrific satisfaction from having laid this out so thoughtfully and thoroughly.

May your new awareness of the correct way to say these components of language enhance your communication and add to your ability to SPEAK EASY!

Until next time,
The Wordsmith

Speak Easy Note #18 - The Best Kind of Non-Verbal Communication

For all of you who know me well, you knew it had to be coming. Eventually and undoubtedly, I would be writing about dogs. You see, I call myself a “dog slut” and embrace this label in the most endearing way possible. And for anyone who has the kind of insatiable appetite for and deep appreciation of dogs that I have, living in New York City is definitely the place to be. Each time I come in from my daily run, my own true love and home sharer, Bianca, the five-pound Papillon, goes nuts inspecting the variety of competing scents I carry home with me every day.

To give you an idea of what I’m talking about, one source claims that there are an estimated 283,000 dogs in Manhattan alone, not counting the other four New York City boroughs. This means that no matter what time of day or night I run, I will find a multitude of canine friends sharing the sidewalks with me to greet and be greeted by.

They come in all sizes, ages, colors, temperaments and personalities. Each of them speaks without words. Each of them communicates exactly what they want me to know. I can tell a block away if a dog wants to be petted. I know exactly which ones will be licking my face. Their body language and facial expressions are transparently expressive and immediate. I know to extend the back of my hand so they can sniff me before I engage with them. I always get on their level so that I am not dominating or overpowering them. I let them show me what they’re comfortable with. I almost always get lots of kisses and affection. Tonight I even got my favorite “love bites” from a sweet Wheaton Terrier that I had never met before. This special greeting is an almost imperceptible touch of the teeth when being licked - a tiny grab with the mouth that is sweet and gentle. Dogs who do this know you are totally comfortable and trusting. They are showing a closer affection. This is not an aggressive biting or even anything like a bite - just a more intimate dog kiss than a simple lick. After the engagement is over, I always say “thank you” to the owner and the dog. It is my daily therapy. It is like the respectful Bahamian greeting I described two postings back. There is so much we can learn from the non-verbal communication and facial expressions of dogs.

Here is a wonderful link showing animals being rescued following Hurricane Katrina. Their expressions in these photos tell the entire story.

Animal Rescue Hurricane Katrina

In my book, SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success, available for purchase from Word Craft Press, I write about non-verbal communication:

Words are actually the smallest contributor to how communication is received.

Research repeatedly shows that

The non-verbal portion of communication exceeds 90% of how communication is received.

The largest non-verbal elements of communication are

facial expression and tone of voice.

Since so much of how we receive communication is non-verbal – with the largest portions coming from facial expression and tone of voice – it’s very tricky to disconnect our emotions from the reactions we have to what people say to us. We can gain meaningful insight into how we interpret what people say, and into our subsequent feelings and reactions, from looking at that large percentage of non-verbal communication.

Our underlying attitudes and judgments add so much to what we communicate and to how our communications are received. Starting with self-awareness, we can open our eyes and bring a new sensitivity to how we interact with people.

Until next week,
The Wordsmith

Speak Easy Note #17 - "What Noise?" - More Bahamian Wisdom

Last week I wrote about living in the Bahamas and learning the importance of demonstrating respect in every communication.  I described how much I learned from living in Nassau.  A great deal of the wisdom I absorbed there came from my friend, Leo.

Leo and I met when I first moved to Nassau and began taking tennis lessons. I had always loved playing tennis and knew that living in this wonderful warm climate year-round would be the ultimate setting to transform my mediocre tennis skills. Leo was the ideal tennis pro for someone like me. So many coaches constantly yell commands from deep on the other side of the court while you are in the process of concentrating on hitting the ball correctly, causing public humiliation and disrupting any ability you may have to accomplish that goal.  Leo always watched and waited and then walked to the net to meet me and tell me quietly and privately one small detail at a time to concentrate on to lift my game. We quickly became very good friends.

Leo was, for me, the best possible tennis pro. He was patient. He inspired me to my best. He instilled dedication to hard work. He led me to self-awareness without ever criticizing me or judging me.  He was never condescending.  Leo’s wisdom and emotional intelligence far exceeded his level of formal academic education.  In addition to all that I learned about how to play tennis from Leo, he taught me how to see the world from a different perspective.  I will always treasure his friendship and consider him to be one of the most influential people in my life.

One evening, after having lived in Nassau for almost a year and a half, my entire family including my parents who were visiting from Virginia, were out together for dinner at The Poop Deck, a local place that few tourists would find or frequent.  Leo was with us that night as we were in the stage of preparing to leave soon to return to New York.  We were enjoying the wonderful casual local atmosphere when I kept feeling uncomfortable about the loud voices coming from a table on the other side of the room where two American women were sitting and practically screaming their conversation.  Somehow being the only other Americans in the place gave me a sense of connection to or responsibility for this loud, ill-mannered behavior.  I made an embarrassed comment to Leo about the noise the women were making and he said to me, “What noise?” so I repeated my comment again and he again replied, “What noise?”. After the third time Leo said simply, “What noise?”, I finally realized what he was teaching me. I broke into laughter and said, “Oh, Leo, thank you for that gift. I am going to take that back to New York and make sure I LIVE the essence of what you have taught me as I deal with life and pressure in THE BIG CITY."

There have been many instances over the years when I have used this valuable lesson.  I have shared this story with countless cab drivers as together we have laughed over, “What traffic?”!  Believe me, it is much harder to take this approach living in New York City  than it was that night in Nassau. If you think about it though, it is always the same proposition. How you see any situation becomes your reality. And you are the only person who can control that perspective.

Thank you, Leo, for your supreme and treasured gift of the value of perspective. Thank you, Leo, for the gift of friendship that exceeds all material possessions one could ever have. Thank you, Readers, for being with me on this journey and reading my words each week.

Here are some brief excerpts from detailed sections in SPEAK EASY available through Word Craft Press that look at the importance of perspective in communication:


Our underlying attitudes and judgments add so much to what we communicate and to how our communications are received.  Starting with self-awareness, we can open our eyes and bring a new sensitivity to how we interact with people. Additionally, we will want to examine the risks involved in communicating in new ways.

It’s up to each of us:
-To adjust how we experience and respond to negativity around us
-To be the primary source of our own well-being
-To be our own best friend

And we must do these without:
-Acquiescing to abusive power
-Condoning inappropriate communication
-Thinking it’s easy to ignore negative communication and behavior

Let’s remember the childhood saying, “Sticks and stones can break your bones but words can never hurt you.” so that we can become stronger and stay intact when we experience negative emotions or reactions in response to what someone has said to us.

If we could gain some distance and perspective to examine the whole of our individual lives from beginning to end, surely the importance of a single person’s negative behavior, in the grand scheme of who we are, would take on an entirely new perspective and be relatively insignificant. When we give others the power to destroy our well-being and our ability to communicate effectively, we’re actually feeding the monster.

This is similar to Franklin D. Roosevelt’s quote, “The only thing we have to fear is fear, itself.” People can’t terrorize you verbally without your participation on some level.

The more dependent you are on getting approval and recognition from others so you can feel good about yourself, the more likely it will be that you will lose your sense of well-being in life without external reinforcement. Everyone thrives on praise. In the feedback I collect about managers that describes what they most need to change, a frequent response is the request to hear more praise. Wanting recognition for good work is a healthy desire yet quite different from being dependent on praise to gain a strong sense of self and to obtain satisfaction in life, which is a formula for disappointment and disaster.

Wanting Recognition = Healthy Desire

Dependence on Praise = Formula for Disaster

Feeling good about yourself and what you do is the primary key. This requires communicating your passion and dedication rather than depending on praise and reinforcement from others to validate who you are.

****************** Speaking of perspective ...

CECK OUT THIS LINK!:
"Lost Generation"


Until next week,
The Wordsmith

Speak Easy Note #16 - Bahamian Wisdom

Many years ago I lived in the Bahamas on Paradise Island off of Nassau, the key City on New Providence Island. My then husband had come home one night and had asked at the dinner table, “How would you like to live in Nassau for three to six months while I set up an offshore bank there?” I’m sure my memory must be distorted about my response and reaction to his question. What I remember is that I immediately got up from the table without saying a word, went upstairs to our bedroom and started to pack.


We lived in Paradise for the next eighteen months as it turned out. During that time, we missed two New York winters. Every day while there, with very few exceptions, I played tennis for hours and also spent a good portion of each day lying in the sun on the beach next to clear calm turquoise warm inviting water. I collected hundreds of beautiful seashells and read many books, developing an insatiable appetite for reading and wordsmithing. I always described this adventure by saying that we bathed but we didn’t need to and that I never needed to say “no” to my son because we owned nothing except our clothes. I believe that living there during such an important formative life stage contributed hugely to the kind of well-adjusted, self-actualized person my son turned out to be. When we disembarked from the cruise ship that brought us back to New York at the end of our time living in Nassau, my three-year old boy looked down into the Hudson River and asked, “Mommy, why is the water yellow?”

I learned more about the basics of living a good life and about the key ingredients of good communication in the Bahamas than from any other personal, professional or educational experience in my life. Many American tourists would come to stay at the top resorts on Paradise Island and return to their homes with a very inaccurate sense and description of the Bahamians who worked in these resorts: I’ve seen a tourist walk up to a hotel beach attendant and ask for a towel and have watched the attendant walk away without even acknowledging that he had been addressed by anyone.  Does sound rude, doesn’t it?  And if you had paid many hundreds of dollars for your flight to Nassau and your hotel room - and maybe lost a few more hundred gambling in the casino the previous night, you might have described that Bahamian as rude too.  Let me paint the real picture of such an episode and then you can decide who the rude person is in these types of instances. 

If you stand on West Bay Street in Nassau and observe the people who live there, you will see and hear that each and every Bahamian who passes another Bahamian, greets that person respectfully by saying, “Good morning (or evening or …); how are you today?” Whether the individuals know each other or not, this respectful greeting and courtesy is always extended to everyone so that when an American tourist walks out on the beach and asks a hotel employee for a towel without saying hello and asking how the person is first, it is very likely that the resort guest will be totally ignored. Respect comes before all else and courtesy is a given.

My life in the Bahamas many years ago certainly set the stage for the importance I have placed on the level, mutually respectful, two-way communication that I write about in SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success:

The first fundamental element of good communication is:

No matter what the level of power or station in life

of the other person in a dialogue,

the communication can always be level.

Think of an equal sign with arrows pointing back and forth. See the equal, two-way street of communication in every type of conversation or verbal exchange.

Communication begins to break down when you feel an advantage over or disadvantage with another person. Either of these two imbalances may exist. Life is rarely fair or equal. People do have positions of authority or power.

Hierarchies abound:

♦Parent / Child  ♦Teacher / Student  ♦Employer / Employee  ♦Owner/ Buyer ♦Captain / Soldier  ♦Senior / Freshman  ♦President / Clerk  ♦Boss / Secretary ♦Interviewer / Job Candidate  ♦Expert / Lay Person  ♦Celebrity / Unknown Individual ………………and so on.

When people are on the offensive or the defensive, communications will weaken. When you see communication as an equal two-way back-and-forth exchange, both to listen and to be heard, respectfully, no matter what the circumstances, you will be able to say what you want appropriately and effectively. Good communication is never at the expense of self or others.

More Bahamian wisdom to follow in future blogging.

Happy new decade to everyone! Health and prosperity to all!

Until next week,
The Wordsmith

Speak Easy Note #15 - T'is the Season to Connect with People

Last week I wrote about support systems. This week as we are deep into the holiday season, it feels timely to talk about another important aspect of relationship-building and relationship management: NETWORKING. During the holidays we traditionally reach out to people we do not stay in touch with at any other time. We send holiday cards to old friends that we haven’t seen for years. The belief is strong that there is little or no hiring taking place during the holidays. Hiring freezes continue to abound and unemployment remains high. All of these elements point to the importance of reaching out to people.


Here are some selected sections of the chapter about networking, Expanding The “Who -You-Know” Quotient from Speak Easy, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success available through Word Craft Press:

Many people think of networking as a primary job search tool. As much as that’s true, it would be foolish to see it in such a limited way. Networking is much more than a critical job search ingredient; it’s one of the key factors that contribute to good career development and successful career management. Moreover, it’s a primary and essential life tool at every level and in every facet of human activity and human endeavor. The exact same networking concepts can be applied in limitless life arenas from recruiting, sales, fundraising, and taskforce development to the pursuit of a life partner or the search for a good electrician or a new school for your children. It’s extremely rare that any person can exist and thrive without networking.

How often have you heard statements similar to these?

  > “It’s not what you know, it’s who you know.”

  > “Networking is the key to finding a___ (job, spouse, plumber, etc.).”

  > “He made it to the top because he’s part of the Old Boys’ network.”

  > “She didn’t make it because she was so busy with her nose to the grindstone that she never paid attention to making connections with the right people.”

We will encounter much more success in all of our endeavors when we recognize the high value of gathering information from real people who’ve traveled the road before us and of building strong and lasting bonds with them.

The word, NETWORKING, is used so freely and widely that its basic meaning has been diluted and it has lost many of its most important nuances and benefits. When career advisors emphasize the importance of networking, they often neglect to teach its subtleties adequately and to fine-tune their clients’ networking communications well. It’s easy to see why many jobseekers think that networking is simply informing as many people as possible that they’re looking for a new job.

Certainly, letting people know you’re looking for a new job is a much better strategy than simply sitting by the phone, waiting to see if someone will call you up to offer you a job. However, if your bottom line is no more than a numbers approach of seeing how many people you can get your resume in front of, the benefits of the fine art of networking will be sadly missed and the process of continuing the endeavor will become stale and unrewarding. After all, how many times can you say to someone, “Here I am again, still looking. Got anything for me?” No wonder people become so disenchanted with networking – both on the asking AND on the receiving end!

Since the term, NETWORKING, is so freely used and so often badly leveraged, I’d like to refer to it in other terms going forward. My definition of this word appeared a few paragraphs back:

The high value of gathering information from real people who have traveled the road before us and of building strong and lasting bonds with them

To alleviate its limited and stereotypical definition, I’m going to rename NETWORKING as R&R: Research and Relationships. The “N” word translates into the R&R formula:

Research and Relationships

=

Gathering Information/Building Connections

It’s also fun and gratifying to refer to an activity like NETWORKING that people find difficult, tiring and demanding as R&R, a known acronym for Rest and Relaxation. How delightful to re-label NETWORKING communications with a symbol of pleasure and satisfaction that people always seek out and appreciate!

Whenever people are energized by the subjects they’re talking about, others are drawn toward these speakers. Without passion for a topic, even if it’s your unanswered quest to find a new job, you will find little enthusiasm from others around you. The trick is to find the elements that you can remain passionate about and make sure they’re at the forefront of your R&R communications.

An unappealing image that often blocks people’s natural agility in and genuine enthusiasm for networking communications is the hat-in-hand beggar needing a handout.  This empty-plate approach to networking is what gives people such an uneasy feeling about it and what takes them so far away from the main concepts of R&R: RESEARCH AND RELATIONSHIPS.

Finding ways to engage others in conversation about your key interests and to demonstrate how knowledgeable you are ensures a much better approach to people and a much higher success rate in obtaining meetings with others. There’s also the added benefit of feeling strong and focused when you’re sitting down with someone to have an important R&R conversation.

So often, people begin a request for a networking meeting with, “I’d just like to pick your brain.” This clichéd phrase inserts a terrible graphic picture into the process and contributes, on both sides of the communication, to the concept of begging or neediness. Picking a brain is what vultures do to dead animal carcasses. Picking a brain is a one-sided approach to a conversation and demonstrates taking from someone rather than contributing to a dialogue. In contrast, if the request for an R&R meeting is to brainstorm ideas together, the stage and tone will be set for an entirely different communication. Brainstorming is a two-sided (or multi-sided) approach to a conversation and demonstrates bringing something to the table to engage in a give-and-take dialogue.

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Next Friday is Christmas day and the following Friday is New Year’s so I will wish all readers health, prosperity and happiness and will write another posting in 2010.

Until then,
The Wordsmith

Speak Easy Note #14 - The Value of Support Systems

There is a circle of support in my life that is astounding.  People I care about deeply are facing life crises and challenges that are huge, painful and overwhelming.  When they turn to me, I am grateful to be there for them.  There are those I know I can turn to when I am facing dilemma and strife.  What would life be like if we did not have each other? 

Bridge Over Troubled Water

by Simon & Garfunkel

When you're weary

Feeling small

When tears are in your eyes

I will dry them all

I'm on your side

When times get rough

And friends just can't be found

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down

When you're down and out

When you're on the street

When evening falls so hard

I will comfort you

I'll take your part

When darkness comes

And pain is all around

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down

The following excerpt from Speak Easy, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success available through Word Craft Press examines the value of support systems:

So often we're much harder on ourselves than others are on us. Rather than beat up on yourself, feed your guilt, or be a martyr; turn to others to gain support and perspective and to have a sounding board for your communications. You will frequently hear people describing their biggest challenges this way, “I could’ve never gotten through this without the help of others.”


Seeking support is better than going it alone. Recognize, though, that when you seek the backing, comfort and counsel of friends, family members and coworkers, you can also be building a case and fueling the fire. It’s clearly beneficial to ask for input from others about the way you’re communicating in challenging situations and to have an ear to listen. In tough times, there’s nothing more valuable than having a support system around you. If you don’t already have people that you turn to, rethink your views and practices, and build a strong support network for the good times and the bad.

Being able to turn to others to share your story or even just to unload can be advantageous and satisfying. Make sure you include people outside of the actual setting or situation to do this with and make sure you’re choosing people that you know you can trust for confidentiality. The benefit is to gain awareness and ease your heavy feelings. If your goal in bringing others into the picture is to vindicate yourself, add fuel to the fire, or defend your position, think carefully about what you’re choosing to say. If the outcome is escalation of an already tense situation or further pressure for you or others, then seeking support will be self-defeating and only add to your challenge.

The best type of support is objective. The less involved the person is with your story, the more able that person will be to listen and respond without bias and concern for personal repercussions. A natural instinct of someone connected to you personally is to come to your defense and to say what you want to hear. Cushions like that feel wonderful to sink into; just make sure there are also those in your support mix that are free from wanting to please you or protect their own self-interests.

There’s a good reason why people choose professional counsel and why professionals, like attorneys and psychologists, remove themselves from situations that can be seen as having conflicts of interest. Give yourself the cushion of support and choose supporters who can listen and respond as objectively as possible. Find people who will give you candid feedback and who can critique your communications and your strategies.

All that being said about objectivity and professional input, never underestimate the value of a good hug. To survive infancy, babies must be stroked and held. The human need for connection is universal. Enrich your life with balance and surround yourself with an array of support cushions. Take initiative, be responsible for yourself, seek input from others and make connections.

Until next week,
The Wordsmith

Speak Easy Note #13 - On Being Thankful

Thanksgiving week has come and gone and with it came reflections on being thankful. The challenges of this past year bring a whole new perspective on feeling grateful and expressing thanks. It seems as if everyone has financial pressures and is looking at how to survive on less or on less than nothing in many cases. Yet somehow the crisis we face has brought out something quite wonderful. There is this sense of we are all in it together somehow. People seem more considerate than ever:
            
             I lost my gloves in the theater last night and a person I did not know went to great lengths to help me find them.

             I dropped my Playbill on the curb while waiting in the rain for the Number 1 bus on Fifth Avenue and a complete stranger picked it up and wiped it on his pants to dry it off and handed it to me.

             Two of my dearest friends volunteered to serve a Thanksgiving meal to the homeless at the Guthrie Center (known at one time as Alice’s Restaurant) at the Old Trinity Church in Great Barrington, MA.

It is good to be appreciative of what you have and it is good to express your thanks.

Here are relevant excerpts from SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success, available for purchase through Word Craft Press:

A good way to manage difficult or challenging communication is to respond with a thank you:

“Thank you for telling me this; it’s important for me to know just how you are experiencing this situation.”

By thanking someone, you

> Indicate that you welcome openness

> Show that you want to increase your awareness

> Demonstrate that you value others’ viewpoints

When we choose to respond like this, it’s best to refrain from adding a disclaimer. If we say thank you to someone and then add, “But that isn’t the way I see it.”, we have erased the thank you and defeated its purpose. It’s wonderful to expand on the positive and share differing perspectives. If the purpose of the “thank you” is to acknowledge without engaging in a debate or doing battle with someone, then END your communication at the thank you, rather than expand it.

We know that over 90% of how we receive communication is non-verbal. Changing the words we use, however, still has the power to change how we feel and how others react to what we say. We will begin to see situations differently when we begin to choose different words to describe them:

“There’s only half a glass left.
“There’s still half a glass left.”

“She never calls me.”
“I’d like to talk to her more often”

“At my age, there are so few options left for me.”
“At my age, I’m so clear about which options I want to select.”

It’s true that in many instances there’s a smaller amount rather than a larger one to express in our communication. Rather than being about how full or empty the glass is, it’s about explaining what there is in the glass to drink. If there’re only three drops of water in the glass, the point is to figure out how to describe quenching your thirst with whatever amount you have. You can’t articulate how to drink the empty part so it’s unproductive to focus on it.

Until next week,
The Wordsmith