Your response last week was very helpful and provided me with great new perspectives and communication approaches for the difficult circumstances between my daughter, Sara, and me. Here’s a brief version of what I wrote to you last week:
Sara and I have always been very close and have shared many common interests. Her boyfriend, Tom, who is a good deal older than she, is determined to change my daughter by trying to keep us from sharing time together. Sara claims I've been rude and disrespectful to Tom. I’ve become very defensive and our problems are escalating; we haven’t spoken for weeks. I really want to be close to my daughter again and am finding it very difficult to control my anger.
There is a new layer to this situation that I need more advice about:
My cousin Diane has always been like a sister to me and has also been very close to Sara since she was a little girl. What I just learned is that Sara has turned to Diane and has been confiding in her and spending time in her home. For some reason Tom has no resentment of Diane and is fine with Sara and Diane spending as much time together as they want. It’s very painful to me to hear that Sara is reaching out to Diane and telling Diane how disrespectful I’ve been to Tom. I also resent that Diane is able to spend an abundance of time with Sara when Sara and I are no longer spending any time together or even speaking to each other. The worst part of all is that Diane kept all of this from me and it wasn’t until I ran into Diane’s son this week that I learned from him that Sara and Diane have been spending so much time together. I called Diane and told her how upset I was and told her that I think it was wrong for her to have kept this from me. I also told her that she should stop letting Sara come to her house and confide in her and that if she wouldn’t agree to that, then I wasn’t going to have any contact with her right now. Diane got very angry at me and told me she was only trying to protect my feelings by not telling me anything and that she just wanted to help. She said she didn’t want to abandon Sara when Sara was having such a hard time worrying about me as well as trying to finish her dissertation. Now I have a double dilemma to deal with. These are the two people I care the most about and these conflicts are taking a big toll. Please help!
Signed,
Hurt and Angry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Hurt and Angry,
Ouch! Double dilemma and quite painful indeed! You must be feeling so hurt. The two people you love the most remain connected to each other while you are excluded from their lives and interactions with both of them.
Let me see if I can identify some helpful perspectives on this very distressing situation. Since you’ve made it clear how much you love your daughter, perhaps you can find a way to have a positive view on the fact that she has a family member to turn to right now. After all, this is your cousin that you’ve always been very close to that she’s choosing to confide in. It could be Sara is choosing a way to hurt you by turning to Diane since she knows that you’re likely to find out about this. On-the-other-hand, it could also be a way to be as close to you as she can be without upsetting Tom who is influencing her to stay away from you. There’s a clue that her love for you is the prime motivator in Diane’s comment that “Sara is having such a hard time worrying about [you]”. This must be extremely painful for Sara too and Diane is certainly caught in the middle. With the amount of anguish you’re experiencing as a result of Sara’s choices, it makes it very hard for you to see how painful this must be for your daughter and cousin as well.
Since you’ve always been so close to Sara and shared so much together, it’s probably quite difficult to wrap your head around the potential latent adolescent component that I mentioned last week. Sometimes when there has been such a strong connection and inter-dependence, there can be a powerful sense of needing to break away and separate.
Your feelings about Sara and Diane being together without your knowing this and about Sara’s criticizing you to Diane are certainly legitimate. What mother wouldn’t have those reactions? What’s important is to manage your emotions and communications to lessen the tension that is building. The key is to find a way to express these feelings in a non-accusatory, non-judgmental, non-ultimatum way.
Let’s examine what you said to Diane and how you might want to adjust the way you communicate going forward.
You said:
“… told her that I think
Here's a way to express your valid reaction without being accusatory:
“I feel very hurt and upset that you kept this from me.”
You said:
“I also told her that she
Here's a way to express the same sentiments without being judgmental and without ultimatum:
“Diane, I know how much you love Sara and want to help. It’s extremely hard for me to know you and Sara are spending time together and that you’re talking about me when I’m not there and when Sara and I aren’t speaking or seeing each other. What I would like and am asking is for you to stop spending time with Sara until she and I are re-connected and communicating with each other.”
Even when expressed as a desire in an appropriate way, this request creates a slippery slope, similar to when a couple gets divorced and friends and family members are asked to choose sides or abandon one of two long-standing relationships. You might want to simply let Diane know what you're feeling without making any request for her to stop spending time with Sara.
“Diane, I want you to know how hard it is for me to know you and Sara are spending time together and that you’re talking about me when I’m not there and when Sara and I aren’t speaking or seeing each other.”
The strong history and deep bonds you've had with your daughter and your cousin over the years provide a solid foundation for optimism. Remember the guidelines from last week:
- adjust your perspectives
- remain authentic and true to yourself
- make sure you're loving and kind to your daughter
- demonstrate genuine respect to all
“Everything happens for a reason, people change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they're right, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can come together.”
Marilyn Monroe
Until next time,
The Wordsmith
Author of
SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success
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