SPEAK EASY NOTE #25 - WHO WANTS TO BE A VICTIM?

I am working with a client to help her improve her presentation skills and in particular to help her gain more professional presence when she is making presentations to senior executives in her company. Last week we were preparing for a presentation she would be making this week. She was rather nervous about the presentation and I asked her how she experiences the management team she will be making her presentation to. She replied, “They intimidate me.” Her voice was full of discomfort when she told me this and she sounded very different from the confident knowledgeable person she usually is. I then asked her to describe these executives in more detail, to tell me what they are like, and she said, “They are intimidating. They like to ask questions that people don’t have answers for. They often interrupt when others are presenting. They are a bit like dogs with bones when they want to go down a path that no one else is interested in.” As she provided these descriptions, I was struck by the clear contrast in how she was speaking. She actually sounded amused by these characteristics. She definitely sounded self-confident and relaxed. And most of all she was simply describing these people on a level playing field without any sense of victimization by them whatsoever. The most striking difference was how she had naturally and easily changed her use of the word “intimidate”:

“They intimidate me.”

Versus

“They are intimidating.”

When I pointed out to her how differently she had sounded when she simply described these people as intimidating rather than saying they intimidated her, I saw the sparkle of recognition in her eyes. What a simple distinction and what a big difference this distinction made. She began to tell me how dissimilarly she had actually experienced making the two different statements.

We talked about what happens when we use passive language and what happens when we change that language to descriptions that do not victimize us. We then proceeded to work on her presentation to set the stage to decrease or prevent intimidating audience behavior. We also talked about and practiced together good ways to handle and respond to intimidating comments and behavior. It was wonderful to hear how well the presentation went this week. It is immensely satisfying to work with clients and see them incorporate new awareness, bringing them enhanced approaches, communication and behavior.

In “SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success” available from Word Craft Press, I write about victim language:

When you describe situations by using language that expresses what happened to you, you’re taking on the role of a victim. If, instead, you can describe what happened, what the circumstances are, and what you’re doing as a result of what happened, you will be able to experience the situation differently.

COMPARE:

Victim Statement: “What happened to me just completely destroyed me.”
Situational Description: “The experience was so unpleasant and difficult.”

Victim statement: “That kind of remark just does me in.
Situational Description: “I experience that kind of remark in such a negative way. I like to make sure to discontinue communications when people speak that way.”

Victim statement: “My wife dumped me for another man.”
Situational Description: “My wife decided she no longer wanted to be married.”

Victim statement: “I was terminated and have to find a new job.”
Situational Description: “My former employer eliminated my position and now I’m making decisions about what next career steps I want to make.”

It’s critical to become aware of how victim statements like these weaken how you feel about yourself and contribute to others seeing you defeated by your circumstances. By using situational descriptions instead, you will feel less like a victim and more in charge of your life, and those around you will see you in control of difficult challenges rather than as a powerless or injured person.

Until next time,
The Wordsmith