As I was doing this grueling tortuous work, I thought frequently of Ann Lamott's wonderful book, Bird By Bird - Some Instructions on Writing and Life. The title comes from a childhood memory Lamott has about a report her brother had to write for a school assignment. The report was about birds and he had brought home many, many books so that he could write his report. The books that he had had for many weeks were piled high in front of him and the deadline was the next day; he had not begun to write his report yet. Overwhelmed with anxiety, without a clue how to tackle this massive assignment, he desperately asked his father for guidance. His father said simply to his son that the only way to get this done was: bird by bird.
It was comforting to remind myself of this touching story and pure advice which I could apply to my gargantuan task, spreadsheet by spreadsheet, receipt by receipt. As much as I hate detail and record-keeping of any type, I found great comfort in bringing order to chaos. I created color codes and other innovative devices to make this very unpleasant task artful and even a bit enjoyable. The biggest lesson was to dig in and face the challenge so that I would be able to look back on and celebrate its completion.
As we look at how these lessons apply to communication, we can see that avoidance is usually worse than confrontation.
Here is an excerpt from Speak Easy, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success that looks at the downside of avoidance in communication:
Avoiding communication or using indirect ways to express what you want to say will prolong the agony of a situation and usually be much worse than the actual conversation you’re dreading so fiercely. How many times have you said to yourself, after finally having the courage to say something that you’ve been agonizing over and avoiding: “That wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be!”? Or even better: “That was so much easier than I thought it would be and I feel so much better having gotten that off of my chest.”? Facing reality and saying what you have to say directly almost always weighs less heavily than avoiding the encounter.
Anticipation quite frequently weighs much more than actuality:
The following relevant vignette opens Speak Easy’s Chapter 3: There’s A Good Way To Say Everything:
Michelle is the Head of Programming for a nationally syndicated radio station based in Northern California. She also oversees the Traffic, Promotion and Community Affairs departments.
Michelle has a strong work ethic and is dedicated to being the best professional she can be. She’s proud of how well she selects talent. Indeed she has the best hiring record in the station in terms of turnover. It’s rare for someone she’s hired to leave his or her job or be lured away to a competing station.
Michelle interacts with others exactly the way she’d like to be treated by her managers and coworkers. She respects people’s privacy and autonomy. She trusts they will do the right thing and that they will come to her if they have problems. One of her core beliefs is that if you hire the right people, and give them long leashes to do their jobs, the station will run itself. She’s always calm under pressure and believes that everything happens for a reason and that everything will eventually level out, given enough patience and time.
She loves her job, although she often thinks about the old days when she was developing programming concepts and pitching ideas. She’s sometimes baffled by how all of her time now is spent on tedious administrative detail and tiresome management accountability.
Her door is always open. The fact that people rarely come to see her in her office never crosses Michelle’s mind as a concern. She has the “No news is good news”/“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” approach to work and to life.
She’s the mother of two teenage children who describe her style of parenting almost exactly the way her coworkers and subordinates describe her style of management. Her children rarely bring their problems to their mother because they believe she will be disinterested in talking to them or helping them resolve their minor or major dilemmas.
Michelle openly says that she’s conflict-avoidant. She will go 180 degrees in the opposite direction to avoid being part of, observing, or being asked to resolve any type of confrontation or disagreement. She believes that if you turn away from disputes, people will work things out for themselves. She almost never raises her voice or shows her emotions. She has few fluctuations in her even temperament.
When Michelle is one of four executives at the station selected for a 360-degree feedback program, she’s quite pleased. She’s eager to find out what she’s doing well and how she can improve. When she sits down with her coach to review her 360-degree feedback report, she’s rather shocked. It never occurred to her that all of the autonomy she’d given people was seen as disregard and lack of leadership. Michelle is stunned to learn that people see her as inaccessible and unavailable. Even though her door is always open, she sits at her computer facing away from the doorway and everyone thinks she’s engrossed in what she’s doing and doesn’t want anyone to disturb her.
People say that they never bring problems to Michelle because they see her as someone who is uncommunicative and afraid to assert herself. They think she won’t take needed action when there are problems that need resolving. They report that they never come to her with workplace issues or personal difficulties because they think she doesn’t care and won’t do anything to resolve the situation even if she did. What surprises Michelle the most about the feedback is that she learns that her boss thinks she’s not on top of her job and that she’s not keeping him informed at all.
Michelle embraces the coaching support that is provided to her following the 360-degree feedback. She asks the coach to help her be a better communicator and to tackle conflicts head on so she can change the perceptions people have about her. She realizes how valuable it is to initiate conversations and to ensure people she wants to participate in resolving problems. She sees how critical it is to convey what she’s thinking and feeling so people will understand what her views are. She knows that if she communicates what’s important to her and provides people with direction, resolution, decisiveness, and repercussions, she will earn the respect she’d always believed she had and that she merits.
It’s eye-opening to Michelle to learn that without communication and action, her belief system and values will be unknown to others. She’s most appreciative of these new insights when she realizes how applicable they are to her relationships with her children. It’s hard for her to take in what her life would have been like if she’d never come to understand how beneficial it is to be an open and frequent communicator.
She knows that her natural style is to be a silent observer. She now challenges her old belief that this was the way to empower others. She also knows that her fear of confrontation needs to be redefined and reinterpreted to prevent her from slipping back into her old comfort zones of avoidance and isolation. Michelle asks to be able to work with her coach for an extended timeframe so that she can turn her new awareness into consistent communication that’s second nature for her. She knows it will take time, focus, dedication and determination.
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I made up this week for how little I wrote last week. Let's make next week's topic another surprise! By the way, Speak Easy was featured in the October Kirkus Discoveries Newsletter.
Until next Friday,
The Wordsmith
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