Speak Easy Note #26 - New Speak Easy Platform

It has been quite awhile since I have written a blog posting. There were a few reasons for the unanticipated lengthy hiatus:

1. Taking a break could be cleansing and refreshing, clearing a path for new ideas, truth and clarity.

2. A dear friend and colleague suggested that I was sending out too much and too frequent email.

3. I had wanted to introduce a new platform to Speak Easy Notes.

4. I was traveling and technical glitches prevented easy posting to Speak Easy Notes.

And so what I thought would be a couple of weeks off somehow turned into almost three months! Thank you to those readers who let me know they missed my blog postings and that they read them religiously. I have truly appreciated hearing how valuable my communication advice has been to you and your colleagues at work. It means so much to learn that what I have written has touched others in a meaningful and significant way.

What I would like the new platform to be is my responding to individual communication questions from readers related to both professional work situations as well as personal relationship dynamics. I would like for people to send me a brief synopsis (consisting of 100-words or less) describing a situation or circumstance they are experiencing, along with the communication challenge they would like to tackle.

EXAMPLE

Situation synopsis:

My girlfriend’s mother constantly describes in a very judgmental tone to uninvolved people - like a repair person fixing the washing machine - what she would like for my girlfriend, her daughter, to do about something - when her daughter is not present to hear these comments but I am. To me, it seems completely inappropriate for my girlfriend’s mother to be exposing uninvolved people to this information and to her opinions, and to be saying these comments in the hopes I will tell her daughter. It is very difficult for me that she regularly communicates this way.

Communication challenge:

I want to ask my girlfriend’s mother to stop doing this and let her know how much I dislike this type of communication. I want to be respectful of my girlfriend and avoid a confrontation with her mother. What are some good ways to handle this type of communication challenge?

Signed,

Stressed Boyfriend

Response:

Dear Stressed,

First of all, I can hear how uncomfortable you are when you feel that your girlfriend’s mother is discussing private information with strangers concerning your girlfriend, and especially how much it bothers you that the mother is making these comments in front of you without your girlfriend being there to hear for herself what her mother is saying.

Before giving you advice on how to have a communication with the mother, I would ask you first to be 100 % sure that you want to say something about this altogether to her. Sometimes it is better to say nothing in these situations so that you avoid reinforcing and calling attention to the negative situation, feeding right into it and giving it importance by making it “bigger” than it already is. This concept is similar to managing bad behavior in a pet. Often when your dog misbehaves, it is better to ignore him or distract him if possible by giving him a command to “sit and stay” that you can calmly praise him for than to make a big deal out of his annoying barking. Sometimes negative reprimand increases an undesired behavior because there is so much attention given to it. When your girlfriend’s mother says these types of things, if you can internally capture an attitude that encapsulates: “So what!” “Who cares what she says?” “How silly and unimportant this is!” and immediately leave the room as quickly as possible without saying anything, you might be communicating what you want to communicate in the best way possible.

If you decide that you do want to speak to her about this, it is important that you make sure there are just the two of you present for this conversation and that the talk takes place at another point in time shortly following when her public judgmental communication took place. It might go something like,

“Nancy, there is something I wanted to let you know in private. First, I want to tell you that I am respectful of your opinions and your right to express them. (Make sure there is no “but” following that prior statement.) It is also important to me to tell you that I am uncomfortable hearing what you wish Sarah would do about something when she is not there to hear what you are saying. I wanted to let you know how I feel about these types of conversations and how much I would appreciate not hearing these kinds of comments. Thanks for your respect and for listening to what I wanted to tell you.”

It is better to refrain from saying anything about whether you will communicate or have communicated any of this to your girlfriend. Again, by keeping that out of your comments, you actually are communicating that you are not going to be the mother’s message deliverer. If the mother asks you if you are going to tell the daughter anything about this or if you have already shared the conversation you overheard, you can respond respectfully by saying something like, “I wanted this conversation to be about privacy and respect and that is really all I wanted to say right now.”

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I look forward to receiving your communication challenges and selecting from them the ones that best represent communication issues many people face on a daily basis. I may adapt some of the examples and I will certainly camouflage people’s identities so that privacy is respected. Please let me hear from you.

Until next time,

The Wordsmith
SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success

SPEAK EASY NOTE #25 - WHO WANTS TO BE A VICTIM?

I am working with a client to help her improve her presentation skills and in particular to help her gain more professional presence when she is making presentations to senior executives in her company. Last week we were preparing for a presentation she would be making this week. She was rather nervous about the presentation and I asked her how she experiences the management team she will be making her presentation to. She replied, “They intimidate me.” Her voice was full of discomfort when she told me this and she sounded very different from the confident knowledgeable person she usually is. I then asked her to describe these executives in more detail, to tell me what they are like, and she said, “They are intimidating. They like to ask questions that people don’t have answers for. They often interrupt when others are presenting. They are a bit like dogs with bones when they want to go down a path that no one else is interested in.” As she provided these descriptions, I was struck by the clear contrast in how she was speaking. She actually sounded amused by these characteristics. She definitely sounded self-confident and relaxed. And most of all she was simply describing these people on a level playing field without any sense of victimization by them whatsoever. The most striking difference was how she had naturally and easily changed her use of the word “intimidate”:

“They intimidate me.”

Versus

“They are intimidating.”

When I pointed out to her how differently she had sounded when she simply described these people as intimidating rather than saying they intimidated her, I saw the sparkle of recognition in her eyes. What a simple distinction and what a big difference this distinction made. She began to tell me how dissimilarly she had actually experienced making the two different statements.

We talked about what happens when we use passive language and what happens when we change that language to descriptions that do not victimize us. We then proceeded to work on her presentation to set the stage to decrease or prevent intimidating audience behavior. We also talked about and practiced together good ways to handle and respond to intimidating comments and behavior. It was wonderful to hear how well the presentation went this week. It is immensely satisfying to work with clients and see them incorporate new awareness, bringing them enhanced approaches, communication and behavior.

In “SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success” available from Word Craft Press, I write about victim language:

When you describe situations by using language that expresses what happened to you, you’re taking on the role of a victim. If, instead, you can describe what happened, what the circumstances are, and what you’re doing as a result of what happened, you will be able to experience the situation differently.

COMPARE:

Victim Statement: “What happened to me just completely destroyed me.”
Situational Description: “The experience was so unpleasant and difficult.”

Victim statement: “That kind of remark just does me in.
Situational Description: “I experience that kind of remark in such a negative way. I like to make sure to discontinue communications when people speak that way.”

Victim statement: “My wife dumped me for another man.”
Situational Description: “My wife decided she no longer wanted to be married.”

Victim statement: “I was terminated and have to find a new job.”
Situational Description: “My former employer eliminated my position and now I’m making decisions about what next career steps I want to make.”

It’s critical to become aware of how victim statements like these weaken how you feel about yourself and contribute to others seeing you defeated by your circumstances. By using situational descriptions instead, you will feel less like a victim and more in charge of your life, and those around you will see you in control of difficult challenges rather than as a powerless or injured person.

Until next time,
The Wordsmith

Speak Easy Note #24 - Quenching Your Thirst No Matter What's In The Glass

Since so many of us continue to be making more out of less and learning how to do without, I have selected a section of “SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success” available from Word Craft Press for this week’s blog posting that focuses on the importance of looking at everything from a new and positive perspective:


Often when we look in the mirror of our lives, our view is narrow and distorted rather than broad and encompassing. There’s a tendency for people to zero in on what’s wrong or missing rather than see what they have. They also tend to bring a habitual optimistic or pessimistic perspective to their communications. Just like certain people have a tendency to use negative rather than affirmative language formation, people have a propensity to see the world from a full or empty perspective.

There’s an often-told story of twin children with completely opposite views of the world - one was extremely optimistic and the other was quite far beyond pessimistic.

One Christmas Eve, their parents decided to take action to resolve their children’s extreme views. The parents filled the little pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy a child could want. They filled the little optimist’s room with manure.

On Christmas morning, the parents first went to their pessimistic child’s room to find the child crying in a heap in the middle of the room, lamenting, “With all these toys I got for Christmas, there are too many parts that can get broken. I’ll never have enough batteries to keep these toys running. I won’t be able to understand the instructions and learn how to use them. I’m probably too stupid to do them right anyway. I know I’m going to break something. Somebody will want to take these away from me. I’m going to have to share these with other kids. I don’t know what to do first.”

With sighs of exasperation, the parents left the pessimistic child’s room and entered into the little optimist’s room full of excrement. This second child was ecstatic and was running around screaming with joyful delight, “I am so excited. With what I woke up to in my room today, there’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”

It’s definitely all about perspective.

How you see the world becomes your reality

and controls what you say about it.

We know that over 90% of how we receive communication is non-verbal. Changing the words we use, however, still has the power to change how we feel and how others react to what we say. We will begin to see situations differently when we begin to choose different words to describe them:

AVOID: “There’s only half a glass left.”
BETTER: “There’s still half a glass left.”

AVOID: “She never calls me.”
BETTER: “I’d like to talk to her more often.”

AVOID: “At my age, there are so few options left for me.”
BETTER: “At my age, I’m so clear about which options I want to select.”

It’s true that in many instances there’s a smaller amount rather than a larger one to express in our communication. Rather than being about how full or empty the glass is, it’s about explaining what there is in the glass to drink. If there are only three drops of water in the glass, the point is to figure out how to describe quenching your thirst with whatever amount you have. You can’t articulate how to drink the empty part so it’s unproductive to focus on it.

Until next time,
The Wordsmith

Speak Easy Note #23 - Working It at Work

In Chapter 10, Working It at Work in “SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success” I have selected seven best career management practices and labeled them as

“YOUR CAREER GYM COMMUNICATION WORKOUT”

1. Be prepared.

2. Be positive.

3. Give “live” illustrations.

4. Avoid limiting qualifiers.

5. Be focused.

6. Avoid negative assumptions.

7. Be consistent.

#1 – Be Prepared

Groundwork plays a significant role in career advancement.

A fundamental key to achieving professional success is being well-prepared.

It’s critical to do your homework for any type of professional or work-related meeting that you’re going to attend or participate in, no matter the size or the venue.

# 2 – Play Up The Positive

Whenever you determine that something won’t work or isn’t working, make sure you find a way to convey, “This is exactly what we need to do to make this successful.”

Rather than describe what’s wrong, it’s always better to focus on communicating the solutions to fix the situation.

Remember that you can always communicate everything you want to say in an affirmative way .

#3 – Be A Story Teller – Live Examples Work Best

One of the most effective ways to sound confident and to overcome nervousness or artificiality in communication is to be a story teller.

When you’re describing actual positive experiences you’ve had, your communication becomes quite natural and energized because you’re re-experiencing what happened and you’re seeing yourself in a positive situation.

When you’re describing an actual experience that occurred and you’re using it as an illustration for the point you want to make, you will sound much more believable than when you use a hypothetical or theoretical description or try to use facts or data to convince people of your genuineness or authenticity.

# 4 – Toss Those Qualifiers

As long as you see and describe your experience as limited, you will convey self-doubt and will certainly not be seen as having professional presence or as being a thought leader.

Limitations place the emphasis on what’s missing rather than on what exists. Habitually qualifying chips away at the substance of what you have to offer and who you are professionally.

You can eliminate qualifiers from your speech patterns without replacing them with exaggerations and misrepresentations. The goal is to focus on what exists without adding disclaimers, doubt, and hesitancy. Use communication that says you take ownership and pride in what you do and who you are.

#5 – Aim Straight For The Target

Never distort! Never misrepresent!

“SELECTIVE HONESTY” means to target your communications selectively and avoid self-revealing broad-based confessions or testimonials that tell all, leaving you exposed in ways that are unnecessary and unbeneficial.

If you aim your communications directly at the bull’s eye instead, you can become skilled and fluent in targeting your responses to your advantage and to the listener’s focus as well.

Even when your comments are innocent and harmless, when you forget to target your communications, you can unknowingly be diminishing your professionalism and potential for recognition and advancement.

# 6 – You Know What They Say About Assumptions

Negative assumptions provide the foundation for defensive and self-defeating communication.

Make sure you communicate from a perspective that demonstrates you are basing your comments on a positive premise.

#7 - Inconsistency Always Bites You On Your Backside

If you want to be seen as a professional and you want to advance in your career, it’s important to be aware of how subtle inconsistencies in your communications can influence how you’re seen and how your opportunities for advancement can be measured against them.

We all have competing characteristics and circumstances in our lives. Life is full of paradox. The point is to be aware of what you are communicating before blurting out whatever comes into your head.

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Career fitness is vital for success and satisfaction. Look at the career communication exercise regimen as a package and make the career workout part of every workday. The payoff will be that over time all of these behaviors and communications will become so second nature that they will be completely natural and effortless. These guidelines are the right foundation for preparing for the JOB INTERVIEW as well.

You can read more about The Career Gym Communications Workout in “SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success.

Until next time,

The Wordsmith

Speak Easy Note #22 - The Killer Resume

When I first earned my Masters Degree, I became a resume snob for a short period of time. After all, I thought, I have a Masters Degree in Counseling and I will help people with making critical life decisions about who they are and what they will do with their lives so that they can feel productive and contribute to the world. I will help them look at their internal barriers and emotional roadblocks. I will help them enhance how they see themselves and how they present themselves to others. Any business professional could help people write their resumes, I had decided. And then BAM! How wrong I was hit me quite soon after assuming this limited attitude about the process and value of helping someone write his or her resume! At that time, I was primarily working with women who had taken time out of the workforce to raise children, some of them for quite a number of years. It was astounding to see the transformation that took place for these women when I was able to help them craft resumes that took their lives and volunteer experiences and presented these in a professional and business-like manner. It also became very obvious that writing a resume is very connected to a person’s self-esteem and level of confidence. Writing a resume is putting oneself on a piece of paper. This is not an easy task for people to do. Even skilled writers have a great deal of difficulty writing resumes because of all that I have just described and because the writing itself is quite different from all other writing forms.

At some point down the road, as I honed my skills in fine-tuning people's resumes with them, my cousin and I sat down together to work on her resume.  She was a single mother then and had recently lost a husband and his considerable income; she needed to seek employment.  She began describing her experience and I thoughtfully began to work some magic in turning what she had done into significant professional business descriptions.  As I worked, she commented, "Oh I see.  What you do for a living is b--- s---!"  I continued working and without missing a beat, answered, "No! There's a very fine line between b--- s--- and what we're writing and we're NOT going to step over that line!"

So I came to love the work of crafting competitive and fine resumes for my clients. I came to appreciate the many levels of benefit a strong, well written resume could provide. I saw that resume writing incorporated my two top strengths: Wordsmithing and Counseling.

Since it’s always a good practice to keep your resume fine-tuned and up to date, I have decided to make resume writing the topic for this week’s blog. I encourage everyone to update your resume and/or create your latest bio. Even those readers who are retired or simply not working currently nor seeking employment, will benefit from making sure you have your updated profiles ready to give to those who ask you for these. Maybe you will be asked to speak before a group or participate on a panel on a topic you care about. Perhaps you will want to be a part of a task force. Maybe you will join an organization that asks you for your background. And even if you are someone who is happily ensconced in a job that you want to stay in, it is quite valuable to have an updated, highly marketable version of your resume ready for whatever unfolds.

I have decided to provide another TOP TEN list for this topic:

THE TOP TEN LIST FOR WRITING AN AMAZING RESUME

 

#10. A resume should be no more than TWO PAGES long - ever. Many people recommend a ONE-PAGE resume. If you use two pages for your resume, make sure to fill the second page so that it is at least 75% filled; otherwise condense to one page! If you use a two-page version of your resume, make sure your name and “Page 2” appear at the top of the second page. If the second page continues a section from the first page, create a heading or indication of what is being continued from first page. No matter what type of resume you’re writing, the first page must have a work chronology with dates included. It’s unnecessary and not recommended to include the months in the dates on a resume. Most students, younger less-experienced workers, and entry-level individuals usually would have a one-page resume.

#9. Remember the Three Cs of resume writing: Be CLEAR, CONSISTENT, and CONCISE.

#8. AVOID using HACKNEYED, weak, repetitive language such as “responsible for”, “served as”, “acted as”, “handled”, “assisted", “helped”, “performed”. Make sure the language on your resume feels authentic and comfortable for you. You must be prepared to discuss everything on your resume!

#7. When writing the work history sections of your resume, always start with the most recent experience and work backwards in REVERSE CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER.

#6. Use STRONG ACTION VERBS whenever possible to describe your experiences. Resumes require telegraphed language and should never have complete sentences on them. Avoid using “a”, “an” and “the” on your resume. Also avoid “I”, “me” and “my” on your resume. Resumes are actually written in the third person and are about a person rather than written in the first person where I talk about me.

#5. Whenever possible, demonstrate and illustrate your experience with ACTUAL EXAMPLES. Throughout your resume, make sure you have illustrated the strengths and focus you have laid out in the beginning/focus resume sections. De-emphasize or omit unimportant and irrelevant information.

#4. Make sure your career goal is about the VALUE you will ADD rather than about what you want to gain from your employer. Quantify and show actual RESULTS and SOLUTIONS whenever possible.

#3. Your resume must reflect FOCUS. It is okay to omit having an Objective to start your resume. It is not okay for your resume to be without focus. There are many ways to ensure that the focus is strong, including the use of opening sections like the following: Areas of Career Interest, Professional Expertise, Strengths, Selected Achievements, Industry Experience, etc.

#2. The average amount of time spent on the first reading of a resume is only 17 seconds! Make sure the key pieces of information on your resume POP off the page.

#1. A resume is a MARKETING document. Its goal is to demonstrate your key selling points and marketability as an employee and strong contributor to a work environment. Select everything you put on your resume with that in mind rather than include everything you have ever done.

There are many ways to write a strong resume. If you could find the top ten RESUME CONSULTANTS in the entire country to advise you on your resume, they would all tell you something slightly different and for sure, you would end up with ten different versions of your resume from working with each of them.

Once again, I have written about a topic that is not in “SPEAK EASY – The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success” available for purchase through Word Craft Press. Of course, having your resume updated goes hand in glove with Chapter 9 on networking featured in last week's blog posting as well as Chapter 10, WORKING IT AT WORK which may be a good topic for next week’s blog. Tune in to find out …

Until then,
The Wordsmith

Speak Easy Note #21 - Reaching Out

• Recently, I was searching for some needed information in my old “sent” email list and saw a name of a business colleague whom I haven’t been in touch with for a couple of years. I decided to reach out and say hello to reconnect. The email response I got back said, “It is amazing that you contacted me at this moment because I had just been thinking of you; someone has just asked me to recommend a good communication coach.”

• I set up a meeting last week with a former co-worker I hadn’t seen for ages. In this meeting we talked about an old colleague that we both liked and respected tremendously. This person we discussed was a favorite executive I hadn’t thought of or spoken to for many years. The coworker was able to provide me with the email address for this dear friend and I am so pleased to be able to reach out to a key person in my professional history that had somehow completely slipped off of my radar screen.

• In two weeks, a friend I grew up with in Virginia, now living in North Carolina, has invited me to a Sunday brunch gathering of eight women who grew up in my home town and who all went to some portion of school together growing up. One of these women was in my first grade class with me and attended the same schools as I did from kindergarten through our senior year in high school. Some of these women are an actively important part of my life today and are truly like sisters to me. Some of these women I haven’t seen in many years. One of these women was a good friend in elementary school and lived on the same block as I did and I have not seen her since sixth grade.

• Several years ago, I was in California, sitting alone having dinner and reading outside at a restaurant in Old Pasadena. A lovely young woman at a table along side of mine noticed my book and started a conversation with me about it. We became quickly aware of the passion we share for reading and by the end of dinner, we had exchanged business cards and have been connected from East to West coast ever since. At one point we talked about starting a virtual book club and decided that the formal structure and the obligation to select, read and discuss specific books would not be for us. We’ve ended up sharing our lives, our favorite recipes, photos of our families and most importantly the books we are currently reading and love ever since.

As they say, it really isn’t what you know; it’s always WHO you know, that makes a difference in this world, in this life. And so, it’s always important and beneficial to reach out to people. This applies to every facet of personal and professional endeavors. In particular, in this very difficult economy and job market, with the highest numbers of unemployed workers that most of us have ever experienced, the most highly valued activity we can incorporate into our lives is to reach out to those we know and to expand the quantity and quality of our relationships. The success and satisfaction of our lives will be directly proportioned to the quality of the relationships we create and nourish.


In “SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success” available for purchase through Word Craft Press, I cover a wide range of key elements for successful networking. Instead of including excerpts from this chapter, I have decided to provide the summary and review section found at the end of Chapter 9:

Speak Easy Rules
Review and Summary
Chapter 9 - Expanding Your “Who You Know” Quotient


- See NETWORKING as research and relationship building.
- Include solutions when discussing your challenges.
- Believe you have or can access the right contacts.
- Share what you know when asking important questions.
- View NETWORKING as more than spreading your name.

I encourage you to read this chapter in SPEAK EASY so you can elevate and enhance the way you reach out and build relationships.

Until next time,
The Wordsmith

Speak Easy Note #20 - Top Ten Reminders for Business Email

There is nothing about email in my book SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success because email is about written communication and SPEAK EASY is only about spoken communication. Someone has suggested that I write a book on written communication and call it WRITE ON. It is certainly something to consider doing since a grand portion of the coaching I do is about written communication. People ask me to provide guidelines for email in the work setting all the time and so I have decided to create the TOP TEN EMAIL RULES AT WORK.


#10. Start your email with the person’s name followed by a comma. “Dear” is not necessary. End all of your emails with a closure. It can be simply your name or just your initial(s) or it can be something like “Regards,” followed by your name. Just make sure you’ve indicated an end to your email.


#9. Keep your emails as courteous, concise and focused as possible. Make sure you include personal concern and brief friendly content in your email communications just as you would if you were speaking directly to a business associate, colleague or client. Respond to email promptly.


#8. Keep your business email professional. Use complete sentences, correct spelling and proper language for business email. Avoid using your business email to receive or distribute dirty jokes or X-rated photos. Once you hit “send” your email is out there and can come back to haunt you at a later time.


#7. People often attribute tone and attitude to email communications that are unintended. Monitor your email carefully and communicate directly with people to avoid the possibility of misinterpretation.


#6. Make sure that you’re not using email to avoid a face-to-face or direct communication with someone. Conflict avoidance often escalates a situation or can bite you on the backside down the road.


#5. Remember that anything you send via email can be forwarded to others without your control. Ask yourself before you send it if you’re comfortable with the potential of your email being forwarded.


#4. Be highly selective when choosing to copy others on a business email. When appropriate, use the blind cc feature to protect people’s privacy and to avoid exposing people’s email addresses when you are sending email to multiple recipients. If you’re sharing the contributions of others or helping others to get recognition, copying key people is a positive action. It’s bad practice to use email to expose someone who has made a mistake, whom you don’t like, or who you think is stupid.


#3. Use email when you need to communicate written dated proof of factual information; otherwise communicate all other necessary negative feedback or views through personal verbal spoken communication.


#2. Never send email in the middle of an emotional reaction. Give yourself at least overnight to calm down before firing off an email response about something or someone that has upset you.


#1. The company you work for owns your email account and all of its contents. Make sure you’re aware of this and that everything you send and receive through your work email account would be appropriate for your boss to read.


Until next time,
The Wordsmith