Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Speak Easy Note #26 - New Speak Easy Platform

It has been quite awhile since I have written a blog posting. There were a few reasons for the unanticipated lengthy hiatus:

1. Taking a break could be cleansing and refreshing, clearing a path for new ideas, truth and clarity.

2. A dear friend and colleague suggested that I was sending out too much and too frequent email.

3. I had wanted to introduce a new platform to Speak Easy Notes.

4. I was traveling and technical glitches prevented easy posting to Speak Easy Notes.

And so what I thought would be a couple of weeks off somehow turned into almost three months! Thank you to those readers who let me know they missed my blog postings and that they read them religiously. I have truly appreciated hearing how valuable my communication advice has been to you and your colleagues at work. It means so much to learn that what I have written has touched others in a meaningful and significant way.

What I would like the new platform to be is my responding to individual communication questions from readers related to both professional work situations as well as personal relationship dynamics. I would like for people to send me a brief synopsis (consisting of 100-words or less) describing a situation or circumstance they are experiencing, along with the communication challenge they would like to tackle.

EXAMPLE

Situation synopsis:

My girlfriend’s mother constantly describes in a very judgmental tone to uninvolved people - like a repair person fixing the washing machine - what she would like for my girlfriend, her daughter, to do about something - when her daughter is not present to hear these comments but I am. To me, it seems completely inappropriate for my girlfriend’s mother to be exposing uninvolved people to this information and to her opinions, and to be saying these comments in the hopes I will tell her daughter. It is very difficult for me that she regularly communicates this way.

Communication challenge:

I want to ask my girlfriend’s mother to stop doing this and let her know how much I dislike this type of communication. I want to be respectful of my girlfriend and avoid a confrontation with her mother. What are some good ways to handle this type of communication challenge?

Signed,

Stressed Boyfriend

Response:

Dear Stressed,

First of all, I can hear how uncomfortable you are when you feel that your girlfriend’s mother is discussing private information with strangers concerning your girlfriend, and especially how much it bothers you that the mother is making these comments in front of you without your girlfriend being there to hear for herself what her mother is saying.

Before giving you advice on how to have a communication with the mother, I would ask you first to be 100 % sure that you want to say something about this altogether to her. Sometimes it is better to say nothing in these situations so that you avoid reinforcing and calling attention to the negative situation, feeding right into it and giving it importance by making it “bigger” than it already is. This concept is similar to managing bad behavior in a pet. Often when your dog misbehaves, it is better to ignore him or distract him if possible by giving him a command to “sit and stay” that you can calmly praise him for than to make a big deal out of his annoying barking. Sometimes negative reprimand increases an undesired behavior because there is so much attention given to it. When your girlfriend’s mother says these types of things, if you can internally capture an attitude that encapsulates: “So what!” “Who cares what she says?” “How silly and unimportant this is!” and immediately leave the room as quickly as possible without saying anything, you might be communicating what you want to communicate in the best way possible.

If you decide that you do want to speak to her about this, it is important that you make sure there are just the two of you present for this conversation and that the talk takes place at another point in time shortly following when her public judgmental communication took place. It might go something like,

“Nancy, there is something I wanted to let you know in private. First, I want to tell you that I am respectful of your opinions and your right to express them. (Make sure there is no “but” following that prior statement.) It is also important to me to tell you that I am uncomfortable hearing what you wish Sarah would do about something when she is not there to hear what you are saying. I wanted to let you know how I feel about these types of conversations and how much I would appreciate not hearing these kinds of comments. Thanks for your respect and for listening to what I wanted to tell you.”

It is better to refrain from saying anything about whether you will communicate or have communicated any of this to your girlfriend. Again, by keeping that out of your comments, you actually are communicating that you are not going to be the mother’s message deliverer. If the mother asks you if you are going to tell the daughter anything about this or if you have already shared the conversation you overheard, you can respond respectfully by saying something like, “I wanted this conversation to be about privacy and respect and that is really all I wanted to say right now.”

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I look forward to receiving your communication challenges and selecting from them the ones that best represent communication issues many people face on a daily basis. I may adapt some of the examples and I will certainly camouflage people’s identities so that privacy is respected. Please let me hear from you.

Until next time,

The Wordsmith
SPEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success

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