Please help me figure out how to handle a very difficult crossroads with my daughter, Sara. We have always been very close until she became involved with her current boyfriend. We have always shared a love of good restaurants, ethnic/gourmet food, foreign films/independent movies, and liberal American politics. We've always been on the same page with all of these and they've been the cornerstones of our strong relationship. We used to go out to dinner and a movie together at least once a week and we’d talk endlessly until 2:00 in the morning about all of these topics. The boyfriend, Tom, is a good deal older than my daughter and is not as educated as she. She has just completed her doctoral thesis to earn a PhD degree. They are currently living together in the next town from where I live, fifteen minutes away. He just doesn’t share any of her interests at all which is bad enough. Worse than that is the fact that he’s determined to change my daughter’s political views and areas of interest, particularly by trying to keep my daughter and me from sharing the kind of time together that has always been so important to our relationship. Not only has Sara stopped going out with me for our girls’ night out dinner and movies together, she has told me that I've been rude to her boyfriend and that I treat him disrespectfully. He has told her she's too old to spend so much time with her mother and that he doesn’t want her to see me so frequently or to spend time with just the two of us anymore. Every time she and I speak on the phone, I can hear his voice and his tone when she speaks to me and not hers. She is a completely different person from the dear loving daughter that I've known for the past 25 years. There is also something in her tone that sounds just like her father that I have never heard in her voice before. Her father and I divorced when she was very young and she had very little contact with him when she was growing up and he passed away many years ago. Each time I hear her bitter and accusatory tone, I get very angry and defensive and our conversations have escalated to such a degree that we haven’t spoken for the last six weeks. I've written her a few times, trying to get everything resolved and back on an even keel. When she’s called after receiving my written communications, she’s been very nasty and I just explode when I hear what she is accusing me of. I’ve come to hate the boyfriend and feel like they both owe me a big apology. I have done nothing but try to be a loving supportive mom to my daughter. The chasm between us is huge and I don’t know what to do or how to communicate with her anymore.
Signed,
Sad and Angry Mom
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Dear Sad and Angry,
This situation sounds truly heartbreaking. After so many years of such a warm, loving, and connected relationship, it must be extremely hard to feel so distanced from your daughter.
There are many psychological threads running through these circumstances as there always are in all that we experience in life. It may be helpful to you, and also add some perspective, to identify what some of these may be. I’m picking up on a few undercurrents that could be contributing more barriers to your relationship with your daughter than you realize. It sounds like you two have been extremely close and that she never had any kind of closeness with her father at all. Girls who have lost their fathers or who have had difficult relationships with their fathers, will often seek out older men to replace or make up for what was missing in their childhoods. I’m also looking at the possibility that since you have always had this closeness with your daughter, that she may never have been a rebellious teenager and is somehow experiencing a bit of latent adolescence right now, particularly because she is just finishing her doctoral program and facing being out there on her own in the world in a particularly difficult job market and economy. Young adult females coming out of college who have been extremely close to their mothers can sometimes feel very frightened of facing the new life ahead of them. She may feel a need to disagree with anything you say or believe in right now; that doesn’t mean that she always will. Her relationship with an older man who can provide for her and easily control her life could be feeling like a very safe cocoon to your daughter. And lastly, your daughter’s closeness to you can feel very threatening to an insecure man who wants to be the sole provider and life-fixer for his young girlfriend. Quite a confluence of potential contributing factors, right?
Given all of these pieces that potentially form the foundation for what's going on, it's important for you to focus on managing your own emotions, behaviors, and communications in the best way possible while
- adjusting your perspectives on everything that is happening
- remaining authentic and true to yourself
- making sure you are loving and kind to your daughter
- demonstrating genuine respect, without judgment, of your daughter and her boyfriend.
You cannot control what your daughter or her boyfriend do or say. You can only control your own perspectives, behaviors and communications. The basic premises are to remember to keep your communication level (including tone of voice and facial expression) and to validate your daughter’s feelings no matter what your own viewpoints are.
The first step is for you to become calmer within yourself. If you continue to be defensive and explosive you will naturally contribute to this escalation that you so want to de-escalate:
“Each time I hear her bitter and accusatory tone, I get very angry and defensive and our conversations have escalated …”
AND
“She has been very nasty and I just explode when I hear what she is accusing me of.”
Remember when you remain unruffled and acknowledge calmly what you’re hearing, you are NOT admitting guilt or agreement. Make sure you omit the word “but” from your transition from an acknowledgement to stating your own opinion, and make sure you refrain from anything that sounds like, “I think you should” or "How dare you accuse me ...".
The following are the types of communications that may lead your daughter and you back to the closeness you have always had.
“Sara, I hear how upset you are about this, and want you to know that my goal is always to be respectful and understanding of your feelings. It is also important to me to be true to myself and share my views on this.” (And then your views have to be what you think and want rather than what is right or wrong with what they are saying and doing.)
“Sara, our time together has always meant so much to me and I hope that we can still find a way to share the kinds of things we have always enjoyed together. Please help me understand exactly what you want and what your preferences are.”
“As difficult as it is to hear …………………, it is very valuable for me to know that you and(/or) Tom have that point-of-view.”
Here is a link to one source of many that can contribute to your acquiring the type of communication you would want to develop for this and other aggressive communications you encounter in life.
Above all remember this:
WE ARE NOT CREATURES OF CIRCUMSTANCE;
WE ARE CREATORS OF CIRCUMSTANCE
-- Benjamin Disraeli
WE ARE CREATORS OF CIRCUMSTANCE
-- Benjamin Disraeli
I hope this input contributes to your meeting these challenges in ways that are right for you. Even though it’s always impossible to predict the future accurately, there’s comfort in knowing that the strong and beautiful relationship you’ve always had with your daughter will contribute greatly to the good future outcomes you seek. Professional counseling or therapy for you separately or for you and your daughter together could be a highly valuable option to consider. These matters are very layered and complicated and come about as a result of a long history of family dynamics. We can never see ourselves objectively.
Until next time,
The Wordsmith
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