Thursday, August 12, 2010

Speak Easy Note #32 - Managing Unexpected Feelings

Dear Wordsmith,


I have had a sudden unexpected reaction to an unfolding complicated family situation. My daughter has recently given birth to a precious baby son. I have been divorced from her father for over twenty years; he has been re-married for less than a year. Even though my daughter, her husband and the new baby live in the same town as my former husband and his new wife, our daughter wants to have the christening and a party here next spring in Maryland where she and her husband grew up and where many close friends and most of the extended family live. There will be a church christening and I would like for the party afterward to be in my home. I live in a renovated carriage house that is a wonderful space for large parties. I decided that I would like to ask my former husband and his new wife to host this party with me. My daughter is very happy about this. My daughter’s husband’s parents are no longer living.

I realize that this is a delicate situation since the second wife and I have never spoken to each other nor had any contact whatsoever. My daughter and I asked my former husband to discuss this possibility with his wife and she was surprisingly receptive. What never crossed my mind was that his wife would immediately begin to start planning and making arrangements for this party without my participation or involvement. I find myself full of strong reactions and unanticipated emotions. Please help me figure out how to communicate what I want to say and what I actually want to do about this. I would not want a party in my own home for the new baby to be planned and hosted by my former husband and his wife without having an equal footing. Thanks for giving thought to my situation and to providing ways for me to handle all of this. I realize that this is going to be very emotional no matter which decisions we make.

Emotionally Surprised Former Wife

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Surprised,

What a complex and layered situation. Let's see if we can examine some of these layers individually so that you can weigh what you want to say and do. My goal will be to provide objective perspective to what you have described. The key, of course, will be managing these unexpected and completely natural emotions through direct, open and authentic communication choices.

The good news is you have time to make adjustments in the interactions between you and wife #2 and to create mutually comfortable adaptations in how this event will be planned and orchestrated - and where it will take place.

I'd like to address the concept of “equal footing” with you. There really is no equal footing here. She is married to your former husband. You are not. You are the natural mother of the daughter. She is not. The party will take place in your home and your community, not hers, not theirs. So, you see, the most basic components that make up the foundation for this event are without equality or equal footing – as is almost everything in life. The ways in which we feel diminished by others or left out of certain equations can be particularly strong when it comes to family events in families where there is divorce. These are the times when we must come face-to face with our own sense of self-worth, with our comfort with who we are, and with our acceptance of our life choices. The stronger you feel about yourself and the stronger your relationship is with your daughter, the more easily you will be able to find acceptance in the dynamics and needs of the second wife, tolerance for the unfolding of the planning process and ease in communicating what you want to say.

As life’s milestones occur - marriages, births, special achievements, illnesses, deaths - there will be a variety of times when your path will cross with wife #2. If there is a way for you to find common ground for cordiality and for being together in a comfortable way, it would certainly be preferable to the zero-contact arrangement you have had up until now. What better time than planning a family celebration to forge a new dynamic. Opening the doors of communication to plan a party will be a worthy ambition.

The first step is to share the reactions you have had. It is important to feel legitimate about your feelings and express them without ultimatums like, “I won’t allow a party in my home if I’m not equally hosting and planning it.” Rather, by simply stating that you have had some unexpected reactions, you are starting the necessary communications to get to a new and better place. Without demands, you can state that it is important to you to contribute in a meaningful way to the planning and hosting of the party and you want to find the path to make that feel right for everyone.

If there were a simple way for you and wife #2 to be together with others present such as your former husband, your daughter and/or her husband, as an initial way to share time and begin conversation, this would be wonderful. If you could put a few ideas together that feel comfortable to you such as, “I would like to provide the flowers for this party.” “I would like to have my name included in the invitation.” “Here’s what is very important to me for the party to be in my home: …” One of the most important elements of these conversations will be to listen and then validate and acknowledge what she is saying. Letting her know you have heard what is important to her is very different from saying that you agree with her or that you are agreeing to do what she wants. And, of course, it is very important to make sure that the word, “but” does not follow those acknowledgments. “Let’s keep talking so that we can make this happen!” is the communication approach for these conversations.

Of course, there may be another element altogether. If either you are or she is unwilling or unable to “engage” with each other because of control issues, unmanageable emotions or lack of emotional stability altogether, then there may be little hope for a good outcome. If you see that you cannot come together to talk about and plan this event, the likelihood of a jointly hosted party may be nonexistent. And so you may want to make other decisions about the party’s location and/or who will be hosting it.

The opening three chapters of  SEAK EASY, The Communication Guide for Career and Life Success  will be very helpful to you in bolstering your communications for this challenging timeframe and situation. Chapter 11, “Getting What You Want” may be particularly helpful as well.

Until next time,
The Wordsmith

No comments:

Post a Comment