Friday, September 18, 2009

Speak Easy Note #3 - The Destructive Disclaimer

No More Buts

Finally, here's the "trouble-maker" I've been teasing you about for two weeks.  It's such a tiny word and can be quite benign; it's also capable of causing significant havoc. 

What would happen if you made a pact with yourself to go through an entire day without saying the word “but” a single time? It may be much harder than you think. For some reason, people have a tendency to get from one thought to the next through the use of this tiny word:

 “I like coffee but I like tea better.”

“London is a pretty city but Paris is more beautiful.”

“I’m going to a movie but I’d prefer to see a play.”

 “New York has great architecture but Chicago’s architecture is magnificent.”

So you see that “but” can be a useful word to connect thoughts and can be totally harmless or simply practical in a lot of what we say.  Let's look at one kind of instance where "but" becomes a trouble-maker.

If you validate what people have said to you and follow your validation immediately with a disclaimer that begins with “but”, you will have negated what you said in the prior validation statement. Also, you will have set the stage for argument rather than discussion:

AVOID: “I hear how much you want to go to The Bahamas over Christmas but I hate the hot weather and want to be where I can ski for the holidays.”

BETTER: “I know that you want to go to The Bahamas where it's warm for the holidays. It’s really important to me to be in a cooler climate and ski over Christmas.”

By eliminating “but”, you can create a natural progression to add another affirmimg sentence like:

“Let’s figure out how to plan our vacation time so that we both are happy with our choice.”

Adjusting the words and tone of your communication to reflect a level playing field of communication without the “but” negation will bring ease and enhancement to difficult conversations.

To break the pattern of frequently using the word “but”, see how often you can end one sentence and start the next one without saying “but” or can substitute the word “and” in place of “but” whenever possible.

“New York has great architecture but Chicago’s architecture is magnificent.”

“New York has great architecture and Chicago’s architecture is magnificent.”

“New York has great architecture. Chicago’s architecture is magnificent.”

To gain many more COMMUNICATION TIPS go to
Word Craft Press to learn about and purchase "SPEAK EASY - The Communication Guide to Career and Life Success"

The next Speak Easy Note will be about still another three-letter word that can set exactly the opposite tone from the one that is desired in any communication. 

Until next time,
The Wordsmith

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